5 things not to say to teenagers

Made worse by the fact the media scapegoats teenagers whenever they can, creating an image of a feckless, drunken, aggressive bunch of hoodies roaming the country. This is our list of things not to say to your teenager which is by no means exhaustive – feel free to add your thoughts and comments!

What are you going to do with your life?
Admittedly, this question has a lot to do with delivery. But addressed in a confrontational way it has the ability to make a teenager feel like a failure before they’ve even had a chance to ‘have a go’ at life. In our fast-paced society, there is often an expectation that teenagers should have it all worked out and start planning for their careers early on. Put under pressure at school to make educational choices to further their future, they can feel like once they’ve started along a particular route there’s no turning back. And that’s the ones who have vaguely said they’d like to be a vet or an engineer. For others, choosing subjects at GCSE and A Level can be fraught with panic as they become disassociated from what actually brings them pleasure and opt for subjects they know will please those in authority, be it parents or teachers. And still others might feel so battered by the educational system they have absolutely no idea whatsoever what they’d like to do. Well-meaning family friends often pose this question to terrified teens who pop down for a glass of water during their parents’ dinner party, and to see the look of horror on a child’s face says it all. Far better to approach this one gently, taking an interest in your teen’s interests and talking about potential careers that might grow from them. Helping your teen to think outside the box when it comes to careers is also useful; not everyone is going to end up being a teacher or an accountant and there are many sources of support for those setting up their own business, however small. Find examples of people in interesting, diverse careers that might inspire your child to give them a sense of potential and possibility. Don’t write off future careers because you have fears your teen won’t earn much/enjoy success/gain respect – these are all adult concerns that can crush the spirit and imagination of a teen. And remind your teen if they’re really floundering that careers are no longer for life. Lots of people try out many different jobs before they find something that makes their soul sing. For creative people, this ability to try on lots of different personas feeds into their creative work anyway. The focus should always be on helping your teenager to actualise their dreams.

You can’t sleep all morning!
Well, in actual fact, they can and do! Research shows that biological sleep patterns change dramatically during adolescence. According to The Sleep Foundation http://sleepfoundation.org, both sleeping and waking times shift later during this time of upheaval. So a teenager who is going to bed at midnight and waking up at midday is perfectly normal. The optimal amount of sleep also extends during adolescence with 9 ¼ hours stated as the ideal amount for best functioning. Irregular sleeping is common during this time in a child’s life too with late nights and lie-ins at the weekend. As a parent, the best thing you can do is facilitate a good night’s sleep by ensuring your teen spends some time winding down in the evening and has a comfortable relaxing space for snoozing. However keen you are to get outside and enjoy a sunny day with them, resist the urge to throw them out of bed at the crack of dawn and tell them to smell the flowers. Accept that during the teenage years, it’s likely you’ll see less of your child during weekends as they catch up on sleep. Perhaps one way round this is to try teenage sleep patterns yourself – enjoy those lie-ins you missed out on when they were small and stay up late catching up on their news, cooking together, watching films and enjoying each other’s company. Most of all remember your teen isn’t sleeping to annoy you, they simply need more rest as their bodies and minds experience enormous changes. Enjoy the peace and quiet before they start playing their music again!

You’re disorganised/unhelpful/unmotivated etc.
Negative speak like this sets a really sour atmosphere and demeans you child when they are at one of their most vulnerable life transitions. Teenagers push all our buttons, and once they know our buttons they keep right on pushing them. They call for an extraordinary amount of patience and understanding in our parenting of them. Sometimes a teenager seems like a toddler in an adult’s body, particularly when they’re throwing a temper tantrum and slamming doors. A parent shakes their head in disbelief – can this really be my sweet-natured child who until a month or so ago enjoyed cuddles and being tucked up in bed? But that is when a teen needs their parents the most: to know they are loved and accepted unconditionally. Laying down ground rules is essential and so is calling time on obnoxious behaviour, but how a parent goes about this is vitally important. Many teenagers are racked with low self-esteem and struggling with poor self-image and a sense they know they’re behaving badly but can’t seem to stop themselves (those hormones!). So behaving rationally and calmly as a parent goes a long way to showing the kind of behaviour we expect, as does helping your teen find a way to express their emotions. Finding fault with them at this crucial time does nothing to help them build a sense of self as they move towards adulthood. In fact, the things we are told we are as teens (lazy, disorganised etc.) seem to be the jibes that stick, haunting us for years to come.

When I was your age (said in a ‘I was doing a lot more than you are right now’ kind of way)…
Whatever you were doing, your teenager is living in a totally different world. Whether you were climbing Ben Nevis or organising volunteer work in Mongolia, pointing this out to your teen is likely to make them feel that they’re not living up to your expectations. There are lots of reasons your teen may be listless and de-motivated and finding out why is far more useful than making comparisons to your own youth. Teenagers today are faced with a completely new set of challenges to those we had to deal with at the same age. Social media has changed this generation’s lives forever and, whilst it has brought many positive aspects to their lives, it also creates paranoia and social one-upmanship on an unprecedented scale. Teenagers have far less down time than we enjoyed – with a world connected 24/7 there is less opportunity to slip away for contemplation or quietude. And yet part of this growing time calls for reflection and stillness, something a teen constantly updating their Facebook pictures or Tweeting about the night before cannot find so easily. If you find yourself itching to say this anyway, ask yourself why. Perhaps you have a burning passion for climbing you’d like to share with your teen, or an interest in cultural exploration. By sharing these adventures and dreams with your teen – perhaps looking through a photo album together – you can help them see that you were once their age, going through similar challenges (after all, teenage-hood is teenage-hood) and perhaps you might find you share common interests and want to have an adventure together.

Any teasing comment – however warmly or gently made – about a teenager’s appearance
Though the sullen, tattooed, raggedy-clad, pierced youth in front of you may seem to have their look all worked out, one snippy comment from you can bring their self-esteem crashing down. Because whilst they look to their peers for approval, teenagers still want their parents to respect them. There’s always a danger in a family of casting children in particular roles within the familial framework – the wild one, the cuddly one, the dopey one – and these can really sting when your teenager is trying to forge their individuality. Your cuddly child might start to have hang-ups about his weight once he becomes a teen and being referred to as ‘cuddly’ can sound like drawing attention to his physical appearance. Don’t make comments about what clothes suit your teenager even if you think they are dressing in things that really don’t do them justice. They’ll work out their style in their own time and teenage-hood is, after all, about experimentation. Just because your teen has a red mohawk now doesn’t mean they’ll be rocking that look when they’re 35. And so what if they are? Allowing our teens to show us new fashions and styles can be exciting if we let go of our preconceived ideas of what is sensible/suitable/least likely to gets stares in the street. One time to step in is if you feel like your teenage daughter’s clothes are demeaning/dangerously revealing, but even here it’s wise to tread carefully. Explain your feminist values and why women are worth so much more than their bodies but that you understand that that is not, on the whole, what society has led us to believe. Be gentle and explain that even though your daughter looks gorgeous and has a fantastic figure there’s a lot to be said for keeping some of it under wraps so that people can get to know her for who she is rather than what’s on show.