Authentic relationships begin with you; when you choose to be real, honest and uninhibited, you choose to be authentic. Personal authenticity is the key to attracting authentic relationships.
How does that work?
Personal authenticity is about being confident enough to be true to yourself and to others. It means being honest about all that you are, how you feel and being comfortable with vulnerability. Being real is a journey of self-discovery as, often, we have grown up with expectations and social conventions shaping who we are to the extent that we don’t always feel that we can trust our own judgement and we fear hurting others, having different opinions and alienating ourselves as a result. This makes for a series of complex, and false, social interactions and, ultimately, false relationships. How can anyone truly know who you are if they only see what you choose to show to them? How can anybody truly know anyone if this is a form of behaviour most of us are engaging in?
The façade that we show to the world begins early in childhood as we respond to the positive and negative reinforcements of our caregivers toward our behaviours. We learn to behave in a way that makes others happy but that, sadly, may not be true to who we are. From the negative traits of suspicion and fear to the seemingly positive traits of always making people laugh or always putting others first, the tools we developed in our childhood to protect ourselves may be holding us back from developing emotionally fulfilling relationships here and now.
The change must begin with you. Taking responsibility for your own emotions is the first, and most important, step; choosing to act, rather than react. This is where the journey of self-discovery lies as learning to take a minute before we react forces us to look at our emotions for what they really are. The next step is in accepting other people’s flaws; not anyone is perfect and people will let you down; they will be thoughtless; they will even be rude and hurtful. It is important to acknowledge that it is about them, rather than a reflection upon ourselves and our value, in order to maintain healthy relationships. From there, we can open an honest dialogue with people who are repeatedly hurting us and work toward a more authentic relationship with them.
If we hold back, through fear of rejection or causing upset, we often find ourselves feeling trapped and miserable in situations that make us unhappy. Whilst it may, at first, appear as though there is no solution – one option has the potential to make us happier and more empowered through a more authentic way of living.
Beyond ourselves
As parents, we also have a responsibility to raise the next generation of adults to be the most authentic version of themselves. Whilst we may frequently lament the world in which those most precious to us are forced to exist, we must acknowledge the significance of our part. Raising a child, unconditionally, is an important step in the right direction.
Though we love our children unconditionally, the conditions we place on our support and affection are often considered conditional love to them. If, for example, we use a naughty step in a separate room to “correct” negative behaviours – we may wish to consider the message this is sending to our children: That we do not wish to be near them when they behave in a way that we dislike and that their behaviour is shameful. If we only show our affection, support and encouragement when our children behave in a way that pleases us, the message that who they are, warts and all, isn’t good enough has the potential to set them up for a lifetime of unhappy relationships. Quite unintentionally, we devalue them at a time when they are learning about the world and are most in need of our support and love.
Alfie Kohn, author of Unconditional Parenting, believes that moving away from punishment and reward toward a positive, ever-present and loving style of parenting is essential for the future happiness of our children in themselves, their relationships and beyond ” Children need to be loved as they are, and for who they are. When that happens, they can accept themselves as fundamentally good people, even when they screw up or fall short. And with this basic need met, they’re also freer to accept (and help) other people. Unconditional love, in short, is what children require in order to flourish. “
Positive steps
By practicing mindfulness, we can encourage more authentic relationships within our lives. We can be happier in ourselves and our relationships. By parenting our children with love and compassion particularly when they seem to deserve it the least, we are encouraging their sense of self and their self-worth.
We can also be more authentic with our children. In a recent article (link) we discussed giving children the option to call us by any name they choose to give to us, whether that is “mum/dad”, our real names or a pet name, rather than the titles we choose for ourselves as being one way to encourage an authentic relationship with our children. Beyond this, simply being real and honest with our children and treating them as equals with an equally important voice, in the way we would any adult member of the household, is the most powerful way that we can show our children how valued they are.
If we can take steps to change our own behaviours and to raise our children to be confident in themselves, we can make small but positive changes in our world and society. In the wise words of Gandhi “If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. … We need not wait to see what others do.” If we are unhappy with the state of things, we can only hope to change that by changing ourselves.
