Lucy Corkhill

By Lucy Corkhill

15th February 2013

Family rituals and celebrations are the glue that bind us. The New Book of Family Traditions by Meg Cox is a wonderful book is packed with great ideas for creating fun experiences, sacred time and lasting memories.

Lucy Corkhill

By Lucy Corkhill

15th February 2013

Lucy Corkhill

By Lucy Corkhill

15th February 2013

When most of us reflect on our childhoods, it is the rituals that stand out. We find ourselves serving a particular food on a particular day because our mothers always did. Or we find ourselves breaking into song when doing a task because our dads did. Rituals form the building blocks of connection, celebration, security and familiarity. I always remember Sunday evenings in our family; when we’d have our hair washed and then snuggle in the living room for toast and a small chocolate egg each. Or on days off from school when my mum would take me to Hampton Court because of my obsession with the Tudors! We also had a tradition of our favourite meal on birthdays, a simple ritual I have continued with my own family.

But what constitutes a ritual? In her jam-packed book, The New Book of Family Traditions, Meg Cox suggests it’s the little things we say and do as families that are imbued with meaning, that form the make-up of our family rituals. She puts it like this: ‘There is a great difference between routine and ritual. Routines are obligatory activities that require little or no thought. Rituals encompass spirit, magic, and that overused word, empowerment, to transform you to new levels of accomplishment and being.’

We all use ritual in our family’s lives to some extent. Bedtime rituals, like a bath, story, drink and cuddle before lights out. Or board games on a rainy afternoon. Some families celebrate religious festivals, some enjoy nature activities specific to the season. Children thrive on these kinds of familiar activities, and enjoy the fact they are shared and special to their family. Rituals send out the message that family is important and worth celebrating. They can last throughout a childhood: rituals can be adapted to suit the teenage years and can provide a way of maintaining connection with kids who are forging independence away from the family home.

In the introduction to her book, Meg Cox cites these ten benefits of ritual for our kids:

Ten Good Things Rituals Do for Children
1. Impart a sense of identity
2. Provide comfort and security
3. Help to navigate change
4. Teach values
5. Pass on ethnic or religious heritage
6. Teach practical skills
7. Solve problems
8. Keep alive a sense of departed family members
9. Help heal from loss or trauma
10. Generate wonderful memories

The New Book of Family Traditions is divided into four chapters. Chapter 1 is about getting started, finding your purpose and making it personal. Chapter 2 is Everyday Rituals, including Problem-solving Rituals, Rituals to Keep the Peace, Pet Rituals, Weekly Family Nights, and Chore Rituals. Chapter 2 is Family Festivities and Ceremonies in which Star Birthdays, Garden Rituals, Coming-of-Age Rituals, House Blessings and Graduations all feature. In Chapter 3 – Holidays – you’ll find Snow Day Rituals, First Day of Spring, Christmas Charity Traditions, and Kwanzaa amongst others.

The book is interspersed with words of wisdom from families and a few professionals, including information from a technology-driven family who use the wonders of the media world to create family ritual, another father who took all his kids on monthly full moon walks, and tips on handling anger from expert Naomi Drew. There are also lots of ideas for making objects special to your family, like a talking stick, family banner, Father’s Day t-shirt and heart-shaped Love book. In fact, the book is literally packed to bursting with great ideas so that even those struggling to think of ways of introducing ritual will be spoilt for choice. Each section contains resources to find out more, and though the book is American and thus the resources American-centric (the festivals, or ‘holidays’, also lean this way), the websites offered are a good start to setting off on a journey of discovery. The new, revised edition of the book (hence the ‘new’ in the title) includes ways to harness the potential of modern technology and other aspects of a changing world to empower our family connections.

An affirmative celebration of family, the book is a wonderful way to begin making the everyday sacred. Some of the rituals are simple, like the tooth fairy, and will probably be part of your family traditions already. Some are more unusual and a great reminder that, rather than rushing through life trying to get things done, we make a far more lasting impression on our kids if we stop and share special moments together. There is plenty of food for thought here, and myriad ways to create long and lasting family memories.

Ritual binds families. As Meg Cox says: ‘Ritual in general, all the little and big things we do together as families, works as a safety net, a security blanket, and an ongoing promise of protection.’

Some favourites (amongst many) to get you started:

A New Name
The Gardiner family of Stanchfield, Minnesota, takes this milestone very seriously and has created a detailed coming-of-age program. This might be awkward if there were any boys in the family, but with all girls, it’s been lovingly embraced. Barbara Gardiner and her husband, Kevin, spend time with each girl before the period starts, reading and discussing a book called The What’s Happening to My Body? Book for Girls, by Lynda Madaras, co-written with her daughter, Area. As a family, they talk about how the change to womanhood is also a time of mental and emotional challenge and encourage the girls to try new sports and other activities. Also, each girl is allowed to choose a new middle name, based on a sense of her emerging adult personality. On the day the blood comes, there is a special family dinner, Dad brings home flowers, and the girls get a special gift from Dad.

Rating the Day
The Eaves family ends the day by sharing the good things that happened that day, plus anything bad or sad, and then each person gives that day a rating. “It can be anything from excellent to blah. We don’t try to force days into being good if they were not,” explains Sue Eaves. “It teaches us that most of our days are at least good, and those that aren’t, we get through them. Also, you can have a day with some bad things in it, but that didn’t make the whole day bad. This has resulted in some interesting conversations about life.”

Daily Wishes
Along with goodbye morning hugs in our house, we try to say at least two things we hope for the person that day. My son might say to his father, “For today, I hope your commute is easy and your work is fun.” Tailoring the wishes to the day proves we’re paying attention to each other’s lives: a comforting proof of love.

Yes Day
Darcie Gore wrote in Family Fun magazine that she got tired of saying “no” to her three girls constantly and decided to declare the next Saturday “Yes Day”. She started a “Yes Jar”, so her daughters could deposit written requests for things they couldn’t do immediately, such as “wear my Cinderella dress all day”. On a Yes Day, the activity requests are read, and the kids pick one special thing they all want to do that day. The first Yes Day began with a breakfast of chocolate milk and doughnuts, and included such activities as freeze tag, a pillow fight, and the application of toenail polish…

Other books worth reading:

Living Passages for the Whole Family: Celebrating Rites of Passage from Birth to Adulthood by Shea Darian

The Family Virtues Guide: Simple Ways to Bring out the Best in Our Children and in Ourselves by Linda Kavelin Popov

Family, Festivals and Food by Judy Large

loading