By The Green Parent

12th August 2013

Interacting with other human beings can be difficult. Our attempts can often be mired with doubt and awkwardness, never knowing whether we’re coming across as well as we’re hoping or how far to take our humour with each person we’re attempting to interact with. Getting it right can seem like an impossible battle, but what if the answer to the struggles is simple? What if all we have to do is be ourselves? Follow this simple and exciting path to self-discovery...

By The Green Parent

12th August 2013

By The Green Parent

12th August 2013

Sounds too simple? Stick with me…

Being yourself is harder than you might think. From birth, we’re raised with certain social norms and with the expectation of certain behaviours. Many of these norms and conventions are enforced with discipline that range from smacking to time outs or removal of privileges. Quickly, we learn that we must behave a certain way in order to gain positive attention and anything outside of that will result in withdrawal of positive attention and, all too often, affection. In the case of time-outs, we’re even banished from the rest of the family. Few of us are free to just be.

As a result, as we grow, learning about who we are and what we’re all about can be a difficult path. Some people never really find out, often because the sad truth is that fitting in and not rocking the boat is the simplest way to live an easy and conflict free life. People opt for the path of least resistance, because it seems like a happier life.

In reality, this rarely works out. Suppressed people are angry, miserable and frequently suffer with anxiety and low self-esteem. Life is also more complicated, because it becomes more filled with hypocrisy and contradictions the more we attempt to avoid conflict. The answer to a more balanced way of living, is in being free to be whoever we truly are and being unafraid to say whatever we really think.

The path to self-discovery
The first step in being ourselves, is learning about who we really are. Challenging ourselves to think outside of the box and confronting our emotional response is the most important part of how we get there. Think. Debate. If something makes you angry, consider why. When I recall learning about the damage that praising children can do, I am reminded that I felt very uncomfortable, though I made excuses for why praise could only ever be a good thing. I couldn’t shake the feeling that what I had read made some sense to me, so I pushed through those awkward feelings of guilt and discomfort and learned some important things about how to be an unconditional parent. I grew a lot from that one experience as it taught me that challenging myself could lead to enlightenment and, rather than feeling awkward about getting things wrong before or indignant, I wanted to learn more and challenge everything I had ever believed about so many things.

Along the way, I’m not going to lie, a number of people have walked out of my life. Some I liked, some I didn’t. Debate will do that, people have their hang-ups and I’ve learned that almost everyone has at least one hot topic of their own. Being unafraid to challenge people on that is going to cause friction. But, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.

Be fearless
Holding back through fear of causing offence is only showing people what we want them to see, not the truth. Not our real selves. If you choose to be deliberately abrasive, you will lose a lot of friends and quite quickly. If you simply choose to be honest, you might well lose some friends and that can be pretty sad. But, what you are left with is a group of people who fully accept you and with whom you can relax and just be.

Losing people we care about is a truly horrible experience. But, losing ourselves for the sake of people we care about is far worse and if they care about us, they wouldn’t want that either. Sometimes we just have to accept that, however much we like another person, our differences can be irreconcilable and it is because we care that we let them go. We don’t do them, or ourselves, any favours by being false just to keep them in our lives. It is a completely pointless charade.

What it comes down to is, what matters most to you? Having lots of shallow friendships and a busy social schedule (which warrants some personal reflexion in itself) or having a handful of genuine, meaningful and lifelong connections?

If you’re looking for the latter, you only have to be yourself to get there.

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