Lucy Corkhill

By Lucy Corkhill

02nd February 2015

Maintaining a happy and harmonious marriage - one that is supportive, uplifting, loving, nurturing and fun - is no easy task, particularly when coupled with the demands of childcare, domestic chores and work. Those that last a lifetime require commitment, dedication and a certain kind of magic. Here are some ideas to keep your union a strong one.

Lucy Corkhill

By Lucy Corkhill

02nd February 2015

Lucy Corkhill

By Lucy Corkhill

02nd February 2015

Communication
There’s no more useful tool than the three Cs; communication, communication, communication! Making time to talk, and listen, to one another enables you to support each other through all life’s ups and downs. Communicating successfully is an art to be learned. Marshall Rosenburg founded the Centre for Non-Violent Communication and has written many helpful books on the subject of what he calls compassionate communication. Some have advocated the use of a ‘talking stick’ or object; whoever is in possession of the stick is free to talk without interruption. They then pass the stick to the listener and their turn begins. It is also helpful to clarify that you have heard or been heard correctly, as misunderstandings can be the cause of great distress in a marriage. Really take time to listen to your spouse without judgment, recrimination or blame. Communication becomes even more important if kids arrive on the scene – in the early days of parenthood, both parties can feel isolated in their new roles and aware that their relationship has changed. Time to talk!

Discuss your expectations of marriage and/or parenthood
The media often presents marriage with a certain gloss and glamour. If you went by the articles in your average bridal magazine, it’s all about making sure your dress doesn’t clash with your bridesmaids’ corsages and getting the chocolate fountain delivered on time. In the heady rush of excitement of planning a wedding, many forget the reality of a lifelong marriage. In the months prior to a religious ceremony, the celebrant conducting the wedding will often ask the prospective couple to answer a series of questions about their ideals, hopes, fears and, often, parenting. If you are planning a civil ceremony, it still pays to sit down with your partner and talk about your basic hopes for marriage; what you expect from one another; whether or not you plan to have children (and how soon!) and how you want to approach parenting etc. Imagining different scenarios – if one of you was unable to work for a period of time, if a family member was ill and needed assistance etc. – and discussing how you would cope is a great way to find out if you share the same values and morals as each other.

Appreciate your spouse
Taking each other for granted is one of the key reasons people fall out of love with each other. In day to day life, with the demands of children, work and home, it is easy to neglect forging a loving connection with your spouse. Happy couples often cite feeling acknowledged and respected as an individual as central to their content relations. When you see your partner, take time to really look at them, compliment them on something that catches your eye, scan their face to try and understand their emotions, stop what you’re doing and listen to them when they tell you about their day. Rather than moan about what they haven’t done, take time to thank them for what they have. And let them know how funny/sexy/clever/kind/generous you think they are on a regular basis.

Keep on learning about sex
Psychologist, Dr. Judith S. Wallerstein, co-author of The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts, carried out in-depth interviews with 50 couples who have been married at least nine years, had children together, and independently regarded their marriage as happy. Her nine psychological tasks for a healthy marriage included the need to establish a ‘rich and pleasurable sexual relationship and protect it from the incursions of the workplace and family obligations; it is the second part of this task which must not be overlooked or taken for granted.’ Making time for passion and intimacy creates and fosters a bond which will see you through both rough times and smooth. And don’t assume just because you’ve been making love for 20 years you know what makes each other tick – maintain an open mind to exploring your sexual dimensions as you change and mature.

Resolve conflict as it arises
Psychologist Dr. Howard Markman at the University of Denver believes that ‘how you handle conflict is the single most important predictor of whether your marriage will survive.’ Address your feelings as they arise, and go for non-accusatory statements such as “I feel upset when you stay at the office late because I would like to spend more time with you”, rather than “I hate that you always stay late at the office because it’s like you don’t want to spend time with me”. Open topics for discussion, rather than raising your voice. If you find yourself arguing with your spouse, take a step back and try and work out what is really upsetting you. If you have a little time to think, is there a way in which you can express how you feel without pointing the finger? If you feel anger boiling, go for a brisk walk to clear your mind.

Laugh together
‘The couple who laughs together, stays together’ – there’s been many variations on this theme but in a recent poll by the BBC, most happily married couples agreed ‘a shared sense of humour’ kept them going when the going got tough. If you haven’t had a giggle together in a while rent a funny movie or book tickets to a comedy show – a dose of laughter is a potent aphrodisiac too!

Provide support and encouragement
A good marriage is in many ways like a life-long friendship with someone who you can turn to in your darkest hour. A caring spouse is like a kind of life coach, cheering you on to bigger goals, helping you achieve your dreams and providing you with a safe space to let off steam when it doesn’t go to plan. Be aware of your spouse’s hopes and aspirations and do what you can to help them shine.


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