All too often, however, the casual bragging steps into parents living vicariously through their children. What looks like a not-so-casual comment about young Caspian’s first Spanish sentence aged 16 months is actually the makings of a very unhealthy mother-child relationship. It’s the precedent of expectation.
Some of the happiest parents I know have some of the most normal children I know. Maybe they talked a little early, maybe they’re physically very capable. But, they are normal. So normal, they’re not even facebook brag worthy. Some of the unhappiest parents I know, interestingly, have some of the most supposedly gifted children. The correlation between the two is highly suggestive.
Living vicariously through children, celebrating their genius in every status update or ever so painfully “innocuous” comment, is the work of people who are unhappy with their own lives and achievements. A gifted child would, therefore, be the badge of honour they so dearly crave. The proof that they are brilliant, since they are obviously taking all of the credit for their equally brilliant offspring. While this might seem harmless, at first, it is almost always setting everyone up for a fall.
When early talker turns out to be a normal child, only slightly chattier, or maths genius is simply interested in numbers and science or the artistic child who now can’t even be bothered to lift a crayon – the potential for disappointment and resentment sets in. Not the reflection they were looking for, the parents’ sense of self is once again dashed. Ultimately, normality is the reality for the vast majority of “advanced” children given that true giftedness often appears in perfectly normal, or even slightly delayed, babies and toddlers once they reach school age. The delays tend to be more telling as giftedness tends to focus in one or two areas, which can often leave other areas of development overlooked.
For normal children, achieving success is not about parents’ hopes and dreams for their child. No amount of pride or pushing can inspire success or for a child to reach for their own hopes and dreams. Instead, like anything, children learn about this by directly observing their parents achieving their own goals. Don’t push your child to succeed, show them how it’s done. Show them how to work for what you love and believe in, whether that’s a specific career or the dream of opting out and travelling the world in a little camper van. Show them. And nothing is more de-motivational than pressure and expectation, no matter how loved, supported and respected a child is otherwise. And nothing can be more inspirational than seeing achievement and success in action.
