By The Green Parent

03rd April 2014

The pursuit of good parenting can seem endless. In truth, it really is – it’s an ongoing, evolving process that grows and adapts with your family’s needs. But it can also be tiring and confusing. In reality, most of us wind up tying ourselves in knots wondering where the line between being a respectful parent and being a permissive parent actually lies. It certainly doesn’t help that there are more “experts” around these days than there ever where when we were growing up and many of them take the form of unqualified individuals that have simply gathered a large following on their Facebook page. Knowing what good parenting looks like can sometimes seem impossible.

By The Green Parent

03rd April 2014

By The Green Parent

03rd April 2014

And it only gets more complicated when we look to the world around us for answers. Listening to mothers claiming that they just knew their child needed to “Cry-It-Out” or that they knew their 6 month old baby no longer needed any night feeds, it’s difficult to believe that instincts count for much these days. Without them to fall back on, it is small wonder that people find themselves following the words of people who seem to make the most sense to the or are floating between different philosophies wondering where they fit in and what the magic answers are.

How do we know what’s right?
In my limited experience of parenting two girls who are not yet school-aged, I’ve swung between different philosophies from being pro-praise and positive vocalisations to being an “Unconditional Parent”. I’ve gone from being militant about healthy foods, to being equally passionate about “Unfooding”. Like so many – I’ve evolved, I’ve grown and I’m willing to embrace new ideas and challenge myself as I go. But I still feel like I am fumbling around in the dark some days.

And I’m not alone. In fact, the majority of parents feel similarly no matter how collected they appear to others. The fear that we are somehow “messing it up” can be the biggest part of why we are becoming confused or getting bogged down in the irrelevant details of a non-existent perfect parenting model. Behind every great child is a great parent who is terrified that they are making major mistakes and, sometimes, we can lose sight of this – we can overlook the fact that, already, they are great whilst we are busy worrying about their future selves.

Parenting exists in a continuum, sure you can mess it up and sometimes you can absolutely nail it. But if you’re listening to your children and are willing to keep working at it, to be respectful and to be real with your children then chances are you’re doing a fantastic job.

What does “being real” involve?
We all know how to be respectful, but being real can come less naturally to us than we might be aware. Being real is about being yourself, warts and all. It’s not about having free-reign to shout and ball, children still need to see you as a role model for healthy emotions and behaviours – but part of being a healthy person means expressing when you are angry, or sad or unsure.
It has been said, one of the hardest things in the world is to resist the urge to fight back when somebody hits us. We’re fighting a natural defensive response. It is, of course, easy for most parents to control when it comes to children hitting out – but that doesn’t mean sitting emotionless whilst parroting “Gentle hands, Joseph”. Sometimes, it’s OK to seem a bit cross or impatient in your tone. It’s OK to be real. In fact, it’s important. Hitting hurts and upsets people and they learn these lessons best from people who can express those normal emotions healthily and in a way that is respectful and considerate of their child’s developmental understanding and emotional status.

Being a good parent is about so much more than labels and “getting it right”. It’s about respect, hearing your children when they speak, paying attention, being real and living in the moment. It’s about modelling the kind of behaviour you hope to inspire in them. It’s a big job and many people, sadly, do make mistakes. There’s no secret to good parenting, however, it’s just about letting go of pre-conceived notions which, it can be hard to accept, sometimes means going against the grain. Even if that means you’re out of the club.

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