Well. Here is that subject again. Babes getting on with new teacher and I think relatively okay at school and then comes the familar worry when we are about twenty yards away from the place. Two boys, one of whom has bullied her consistently before - called her a poo face at lunch time yesterday and more worryingly stopped her from sitting where she wanted to sit. Babes was also worried that these two were ‘planning something’.

I spoke to teacher straight away, left it with him, saw Babes with special friend going in to classroom. On the way home, I saw one of the boy’s mothers and instead of cycling right past, decided to very calmly speak to her about it. At no time during the course of last year did this mum approach me or apologise about the bullying. I explained that her son had been calling my daughter names and bullying her and that DD was upset about it - I also finally said something about the upset that this had caused us as a family last year. The mum expressed surprise and said the school hadn’t spoken to her about it yet (I mean the latest thing, not the last year stuff). I said ‘no, they don’t always’. Before I cycled away I asked her if she could speak to her son and stop this behaviour happening.

When I got home I sent copy of incident to head and teacher and explained that I had spoken to the boy’s mum.

I suppose no matter how strong I feel at other times - this sort of thing really does my head in. It really does. I also got a phone call from the school as Babes fell in P.E and cut her lip. I understand whey they are telling me this and will make sure that Babes tells me herself and that an accident form is properly done, but the whole thing is so wearing. I’m really conscious of the fact that I’m going to need to set off for school soon and would welcome the odd friendly vibe as staying calm, strong and loving for Babes is really difficult sometimes.

thanks
w.w.

Wonderwoman - 27 September 2011 02:50 PM

....... as staying calm, strong and loving for Babes is really difficult sometimes.

Yes that bit is so hard isn’t it, well much of it is hard, but that bit, the holding it together bit, is really the toughest thing about motherhood.  I guess also the thing is when these things happen, which absolutely are not right or ok, perhaps calm isn’t always the way to be about it, being angry about it, which I would be, but it is so tough with these big emotions and these big issues that feel too big when they are small ......

Thank you Skycurl, really appreciate you writing something. At the school pick up I was met by a lovely mum with whom I had shared this earlier - and Babes left holding hands with her son since they are special friends. So that helped enormously. Don’t know what is going to happen with this, and yes, Skycurl you are quite right, things like this to me feel like a punch in the stomach - although martial arts wise I feel I can cope with an ACTUAL punch in the stomach better than this! Yes, maybe you are right, being calm isn’t the best way perhaps, because there is upset somewhere on the part of little ones and if you don’t show a little of the upset you feel it is like they are not seeing you are emphathising. Anyway, it is part of the journey and don’t know how this one will turn out, but glad for mum friends, special friend for Babes, new teacher who is brilliant and really cares about her I think - and hoping all this will carry us through…
best
w.w.

I don’t know how either you or your little one manage to keep sane!

I’ve missed sending you a pre school trip hug but here’s a belated one all the same.  I hope you both have a quiet and restful evening.

San xx

Glad it went well, in a sense. Xx
Sometimes , I think, we do need to let our children see that we are angry, upset or frustrated with issues.  They need to see that feeling those emotions are valid too.  I am sure you do that already. X

Not sure if this will help…but it does goes along with the theme of this thread about showing how as a parent you feel and that it is right to sometimes get angry.

When I was 4, I was bullied by a boy called ‘Tod’.  He was older than me (I was a small kid) - I don’t remember much about the bullying but I do remember what my Dad did.  He had to come up the school because I kept getting put in the corner and the teacher, Mrs Taylor (all I remember about her was her orange kaftan that she always wore) wanted to talk to him about my behaviour.

Dad explained I was being bullied (hence my behaviour), the other parents were not dealing with it and the teacher said she would look into it (Dad had tried talking to Tod’s parents but to no avail).  What I really remember was thinking that nothing would change and I’d still be getting into trouble.  However, when I was walking with Dad back across the playground, I pointed out Tod and Dad went and spoke to him.  Even now I remember, Dad being firm and saying that if Tod wanted to pick on someone then perhaps he should pick on someone his own size and if he didn’t, my Dad would come and have another ‘chat’.  Dad wasn’t agressive but from that moment, Tod was always there for me.  If another kid, tried their luck, Tod got them off my case.

My Dad’s approach taught me not to be afraid and as I got older through school, I always stood up for myself.  You do remember the people that bully you.  When I was 7, a boy called Paul, grabbed my wrists in the playground and refused to let me go, we were out in the playing field - I managed to get one hand loose and slapped his cheek - he never bullied me again (I’m not sure who was more shocked) .  At 13, Wayne Smith kept sticking a drawing compass in my hand in my biology lessons (he was a bad boy, I was a bit of a swot) and he thought it was funny.  That was until I did it back - I pinned his hand to the desk and told him politely to stop sticking a compass in my hand…he never did it again.

For me the important thing was in the beginning, seeing that my parents were doing something to help me and this is something i have carried throughout my life (probably made me the outspoken person I am today).  I can’t abide bullies and even now if I see it happening to someone as an adult, say in the office, I’ll step in, it’s been a good lesson and one I would replicate if all else fails.  As long as your child sees you doing something and succeeding then you can fix this.  I understand it’s difficult, but by talking to the childs mother this is a good step to you taking control - if all else fails, get the school to get everyone in a room to discuss it (not sure how the whole parent, child, playground approach would go down in this day of age )

Best of luck x

all this does help a great deal ta. Also had a supportive message from a mum at school who said her son will keep a special eye on my Babes which helps because he is a lovely lad and special friend of hers.
best
w.w.

Sorry, I didn’t see this. I think it is good that you spoke to his mum. I would be so mortified if I found out my child was bullying and if the teacher had told me this was happening I would be very scared about approaching the parent unless I knew them, I hate confrontation. But if you came and spoke to me calmly I would do everything I could with you as a team to correct this behaviour. As you know we are having problems with ds1 and I am at a loss to know what to do with him. 5/5 nights I have been called back for a word. Maybe the mum feels the same and by you helping and telling her would be such a positive thing. I dread going to pick him up from school now so I can sympathise with the dread (can’t remember if you used that word)

I am sorry, I know everyone is different and I hope I haven’t got the wrong end of what you are saying and said the wrong things.

Jen, the compass thing made me wince ooooouch.

haven’t had a chance to put anything else down on this thread yet as so much happening but all replies helpful and thanks.