Hello all,

Every year at this time I seem to find myself reflecting on where I am, what I’m doing and where I want to be.  Where I want to be, is not at all where I am!  Let me explain.

I want to have a relaxed, simple, calm lifestyle where we celebrate the seasons do lots of arts and crafts and have a very peaceful daily and annual rhythm.  This is not how I was brought up (that was very mainstream: children seen and not heard, strict behavioural code and do what society expects and be “correct”, whatever that means), and I find that I just don’t know how to make the change.  It’s so hard to change parenting styles, mid-flight I guess!  Plus I am a very anxious person, so relaxing and “letting it go” is difficult for me.  My 3yo DS seems to have inherited these traits.  Where we are is chaos and, over the past year have descended to a place that involves lots of me being angry with him.

Anyway, I find myself spending lots and lots of time (and ££) reading reading reading- books, blogs, forums….and I need to start doing.  The computer is my source of inspiration, and angst, since every free moment I have, I’m on it.  Plus I had all, or most of, my creativity beaten out of me as a child (long story that…mostly for my psychiatrist!), so for activities/stories unless I have an explicit materials list and instructions, I’m at a loss.  And my poor son, if he tries to do something his own way, and not the way it’s “supposed to be done”, I get all anxious and don’t know how to proceed.  I don’t want to beat the creativity out of him so I end up just kind of sitting there, and things that were supposed to be Mommy/son end up being just son. 

My son does go to school in the mornings, four days a week (all his choice), and pretty much doesn’t nap anymore (although he needs it, so early evenings are quite an experience).  I would LOVE to have a more structured afternoon for him.  The trouble is I always find myself needing to do other things (like cooking, laundry, tidying….) and with the exception of cooking, he’s not into helping me out.  Or he tries and just makes ultimately more work for me (which stresses me out).  He ends up getting lots and lots of time for free play.  He does have a younger sister (1 yo next week) and they do play very well together.  The trouble is, the play lasts just a few minutes then he gets bored and tries to get my attention, usually in a negative way.  DD is starting to become more independent, but she does not like it when she can’t see me, and often needs to be in direct physical contact (preferably with a breast in her mouth!), so I find myself struggling just to get time for myself (and lately have been feeling resentful about it).

What I’m curious about is, how much do you guys plan and how much is free flow?  How do you get or do you get your kids involved in your projects, both art/craft and homemaking?  I do sew and have been just itching lately to do some projects, but needles/shears+little kids just seems like a bad mix to me.  How do you handle it when they just end up making more work for you?  Where do you get your inspirations from for your daily and annual rhythms?  I don’t know most of the festivals- we were raised very strict Anglican, but rebelled, so outside of Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving (I’m American) I don’t know many traditions.  I’d like to have seasonal celebrations, from Christianity, but also other traditions and help my children be more aware of the passing seasons.  I’d like to create more seasonal memories than just Midnight mass on Christmas eve and hunting Easter eggs at church.  The blogs/forums are useful for finding these things out, but I really am an old-fashioned girl and need things on print/paper that I can easily refer to (preferably while I’m laying in bed).  If you had to limit yourselves to two books on this topic, what would they be?

If you do a lot of planning, do you have a pretty detailed week (by detailed, I mean daily activities and stories spelled out for each day, all the necessary materials assembled etc etc….kind of like lesson planning, but hopefully more fun!), or do you have a vague idea and just wing it?  I’ve tried doing the planning, but find that either my self-discipline gives out, or my son just isn’t interested.  He likes looking at books for example, but will not let me read stories to him (stories are for bedtime apparently and well, for him bedtime is a baaaaaad thing).  I bought a set of finger puppets, but haven’t gotten them out.  Need to do that, but odds are he won’t sit still for it, and again for me it needs to be scripted and memorised.  I hate that about myself!

Anyway, this is long enough.  Hopefully you got this far!  If you did, thanks and I’m looking forward to what insights you have to share.

Peace

Hi Susan,
wow what a wonderful mama you are, to put so much thought (and worry) into your parenting is such a sign of strength and determination to find the right way for your family and I really admire that!
For me the absolute key to it all is ‘me’. I know that if I am tense and stressed and my mind is else where nothing in the day will flow, the kids may be spontanious and fun but I can’t see it only the mess and the squabbles. However, if I am well rested and have been looking after myself then I am simply a better mum. I am more peaceful and calm, I can live in the moment, and see each unique second for the womderful moment it is. To do this I try to look after myself as best I can, I follow ayurveda which is an ancient health system and it really works for me, I try to make sure I get enough sleep (my 17 mo is an early waker so this means going to bed early), I try to get some kind of fresh air and exercise everyday and I like to make sure I have time for ‘my’ crafting. On a more practical level with the kids and the home, I found that a time table for cleaning can be good, you know pick a room/ set of rooms a day, do those jobs to clean that room, plus your laundry and one other not every day job (I made a list of these like clean the windows, wash the shower curtains… and do one a day). I would do this stuff in the morning and prepare as much as possible of the evening meal so that when your ds comes home you aren’t trying to do other things, you can just be with him. It might take a little training to be in the moment with him, but I find making conscious observations really helps, I look at how Joa’s hair curls, or how Benny pouts his lips when he concentrates, that sort of thing. The doing is more important than the end product at this stage so mabey try doing activities together for a while that don’t have #an end product’ like playdough or bees wax or drawing and just let it happen, join in be next to him and allow yourself to play, he will follow your lead and do the same. When you#re enjoying the making together then perhaps move on to simple projects.
Another thing I like to do is make a list at the beginning of each season of the things that I want to make and bake with the kids.this helps a little with the planning and I can then collect materials or if we find oursleves with nothing to do on a sunday afternoon I can look at the list. More often than not though we end up doing very little on the list, but that’s ok.
I hope this helps a little and that you find a balance that works for you,
hugs Laura x

I know there will be lots of mums here who will be able to give you great advice and ideas on how to move towards achieving your goals, as for me I have found huge inspiration from this forum and it is helping me to work towards developing my parenting and home life towards the way I would like it to be - it’s a long journey!
I think one little bit of advice I would say is if you doing activities with kids it doesn’t have to be perfect! they would not have any idea that you may have intended a craft project to look different to how it turned out, or a story to have the ‘right’ words. and maybe if they do know that it turned out different to how you expected but was still enjoyable and that it didn’t really matter in the end - then you are teaching them a very important skill in ‘going with the flow’ and helping you to relax more and trust yourself, I think the more you experiment with just having a go at something, the more you will enjoy it. My big problem was reading books aloud and feeling self concious, and thinking I need a great repertoir of voices and accents for all the different characters, and I have started to experiment with silly voices, and it’s not nearly as bad as I thought, and I’m enjoying it more now.
For seasonal stuff I am enjoying just pointing out the changes we see, collect leaves and things to take home and have a nature basket to reflect the changing seasons and hope to build in some structured celebrations, I think that is how family traditions can develop when you all start to anticipate and prepare for events in the near future, each year, but when I was growing up it was also just christmas, easter and the inevitable present and chocolate. I want to be more consious about how we mark the events and seasons with particular foods and activities, and am still working out how to do that - interested in what advice you get there!
I enjoy reading parenting books but don’t hold the information very well in my brain so often worry that I am not doing or saying the right thing. One book I’m dipping in and out of currently is ‘the idle parent’ which is really great in that it encourages you to question the idea that busy parenting is the best parenting - it is really getting me to rethink my expectations of myself as a parent - if you find a copy I encourage you to have a look.
Big hugs and good luck x

I don’t know if this helps or not, coming from a different angle but the same stresses, etc - when I was and am really stressed I tend not to do open ended craft like sticking or cutting that creates loads of mes because the panic while it’s happening just wasn’t worth the shouty screamy mama it resulted in, obviously in hindsight that sounds ridiculous BUT at the time the thought of the mess and the disorganisation was upsetting to me and set off panic attacks and stress!
I tried to overcome this by doing little jobs in the morning, clearing the table for example so that dd could do an activity in the afternoon when she got back from nursery after eating.  I didn’t want to set up loads and couldn’t get my head round it SO i went to Wilkinsons and bought a few art kits, they are brilliant.  Cheap and everything in one box, things like paint your own room sign or photo frame.  Paint your own money box or car was very good, Alice loved it (she’s 3 too).  You can get them cheap on ebay too.
Also minimal cleaning up as I put on the table some clear plastic (bought off a roll at the Range shop) so I can wipe it down but if I’m really stressed I can fold it up and forget about it.

I found (after advise on here) that paint blocks/water colour paints are much easier to set up and clean away than runny paint that gets everywhere, these and a bit of paper are great.
Use card (or plain bought cards) instead of paper and your ds can create birthday cards or Christmas cards

Playdough is great for speed of setting up and clearing away, also simple rolling and stamping with shapes means in no time he can help with biscuits   Also it stimulates the imagine but if you don’t want to ‘make’ something the rolling, squishing and so on is quite therapeutic and so good for you and him and your one year old, I roll out some playdough and my ds (18 months) stamps, stabs, presses the playdough, he also sits in his booster seat as if he is left free he just climbs on the table.
Magic painting books are popular here as is colouring in, felt tips were allowed first only on the table so were a treat, especially as the younger one would grab at them. Dot to dots are great as Alice is enjoying learning numbers and asking for things like that, she also has a couple of writing books as she asked me to help her write and she will sit and do that for a while sometimes with me, sometimes on her own.

I often don’t involve myself in the activity and just get on with things in the background so I’m around but not directing and stressing, so I can load the dishwasher, wipe the sides down, etc.  Or sit and knit/crochet or you could sew but be prepared to put things down and out of the way because activities don’t last long.  I normally finish with a snack as it takes alot of energy to be creative   And then I have a little time to tidy up.

Don’t feel guilty about not doing things with your son, they are so independant at this age it’s hard to get involved and don’t forget 1 year olds quite like saucepans and wooden spoons for bashing so can be placed on the floor but can crawl off when bored, if you are feeling delicate (when stressed the noise is too much for me) get colanders or plastic/wooden bowls to bash

Hope that helps, sorry to waffle!
sarie

The way I manage to be free flowing with activities is to be basically organised…that is, we have a craft/art cupboard which is organised to within an inch of its life! So we have a pile of colouring books, sticker books and blank books, a box of interesting paper, a box with mark making implements, a box with the painting stuff, a box of bits for sticking, a jewellery making box and a clay box. We also keep a junk box downstairs to transfer boxes etc. into from the recycling. Having it all pre-organised means it takes no effort to get out an activity and they can then do what they want when they feel like it.

I also use Pinterest to keep ideas stored for more organised activities. Having a supply of ideas makes it easy to find something to do when they are at a loose end. I find that activities that they can do quickly work best or ones that have several quick stages with gaps in between work well as Leni can’t concentrate for long. We definitely do more since having an organised space to do it in, if Leni has to wait for things to be cleared first she loses interest before we manage to get anything started!

Clarexxx

It sounds like as much as you don’t want to stick to a plan and want to be a flowy, season doing earth mother that is not what you see yourself as. Try not to put a label on yourself otherwise you will only get disapointed if you don’t meet your own expectations. You know where you came from and what made you who you are today, try to accept yourself but also try to change one thing at a time where you feel it is needed and don’t be hard on yourself.

For example f you are not able to ‘‘go with the flow’’ at the moment then start with a loose plan so you are organised as that sounds like what helps you along.
so heres a plan that you could alter to suit yourself and your son , also a slight routine may help him .

7am         wake get dressed together (take a bath/ shower together)
7.30-8.00   breakfast, chat about what will happen today
8.00         free play (i usually set up the lego into towers/ building blocks into a village/ animals, teddy bears picnic etc the night before that will appeal to my two and they will instantly get into a game using imagination etc which leaves me to do the dishes, tidy up after breakfast. He may go straight to play before breakfast and continue after.
then see how well he plays.the aim is to do what you need to do while he is engaged when you see him getting restless you need to pause what you are doing or encourage him to help you.
10.00 snack in a bag and go for a walk, point out the leaves, insects, cats, clouds, weather, other people etc
11.00 free play where you can play too, you follow where he leads, if he starts playing farms you be the cow etc, let him tell the story and you follow. it doesn’t matter if the cow drives a car, etc.
11.30 you make lunch, he wants he can wash the veg at the sink, mix, put things in a pan etc, let him do what he will but you can guide him by e.g if he is washing veg not to have any cups at the sink as this will result in cups of water on the floor etc,cut a sponge in half to lessen water mess.
12.00 sit down to lunch together
12.30 free play , you clean up, feed baby
2.30 art/ craft http://www.dltk-kids.com/    http://www.coloring-book.info/coloring/  http://www.first-school.ws/INDEX.HTM  prepare b4 he is sitting waiting .i.e the night before
3.00 snack
free time/ shopping/ cleaning / visiting someone etc/prep dinner
5.00 dinner together
6.00 upstairs , play on the bed under the blankets, tent, cave. cuddles , torch . then get ready for bed, stories .cuddles
7.00 sleep

ok so this is a very rough idea but the general idea is you do activity then free play, activity, free play and this means a snack is an activitiy remember that putting raisons in a bowl for him to sprinkle on his porridge is an activity for him.
you can gage from him if he needs a guided activity or if he is happy in free play.
try regular meals and snacks one art activity, story and walk each day that should be plenty for all of you, make bathtime a family event and bedtime a fun time, sometimes in the afternoon we go up to play on the beds as an ‘‘activity’‘
it is all spontaneous and once you have an idea of things in your head it will be a lot more free flowing than now when it will seem a little contrived.

if he has his own little table and chair it won’t stress you so much if it becomes a mess, better than the dinner table.
some activities include:
1. homemade playdough     http://www.playdoughrecipe.com/cooked-playdough-recipe/
2. Painting   lg piece of paper (you can drop a couple of small blobs of paint on it and he can finger paint, saves washing brushes, pots etc. make sure you have somewhere to put the finished paintings out of reach whilst drying we use a string with pegs, like a washing line, use an apron with sleeves, plastic, tablecloth, wash hands in sink or straight into bath after.
you can also have two small pots of colour i use old meat trays and he can walk his animals /cars through it etc. don’t tell him what to do just describe what you see him doing.
3. helping cleaning, hoovering, cooking, washing things.
4. wash walls/windows, he can have a spray bottle with water in and a brush cloth etc outside activity.
5. walks
6.cooking, biscuits etc

hope this helps a little to give you some ideas just remember to plan a little the night before what you will eat, activity etc. my brain also needs to be organised , i have lists everywhere but the house is very calm and free flowing because my mind is organised. the kids though are not in any definate routine that they know of other than meals as we see how the days going i.e whether we walk , craft, shop in the morning afternoon etc
good luck

Thanks all!  You all have really good insights to share, and I am appreciative of all of them.  I think a big part of my issues are that I do want everything to be perfect for my kids, and in attempting to reach this, I’m becoming neurotic myself!  My brain doesn’t turn off, and I have so many ideas and ideals.  I can’t possibly put all of them in place.  I miss my yoga class- it’ll be a long time before I have the time to do that again- I tried to start meditating, and can’t even find a consistent 5 minutes a day to do that! [sigh]

They’re young, and in a few years I know I will miss this stage, exhaustion and everything. 

Wandermob- you nailed it- I don’t fit my own image of what I want to be, and that does create tension.  I’d like to at least strive to get closer to it.  I will never be a free flowing Earth mamma, and will always envy those who are!  But I do think being closer to the earth, and actively marking its cycles will only make my kids (and me!) more aware in the long run.  Hopefully more grounded, too.  Plus, it just looks like fun!

The schedule is uber-helpful, thank you for taking the time to write that out.  I know also that there are lots of amazing ideas buried in this forum.  I also know that I will lose so much time searching it, because I will find so many threads I want to read.  This forum is a guilty pleasure, I learn so much here!  It’s back to that inspiration/angst thing. 

Thanks a lot ladies!

I am not sure there are many truly free flowing earth mothers around- I think most of them have off days and activities that work well and equally activities that are a nightmare from start to finish.