I get that feeling too - and I’m in no way saying that younger parents find it less stressful or anything - obviously there are trade-offs with all options, financially and in terms of stability etc. I just feel that I have had an easier ride in being able to grow into myself while already having to accommodate my children (one child, mainly I suppose as I was older by the time I got married and had the others) which allowed me to have radically different expectations about my life and my hobbies, social life etc than my friends who had time to develop a separate adult existence before they had their children. Those choices that you mention - having never had them, it’s easier not to have them than to have them and lose them, I think. I guess it’s just a different set of compromises!
The leader at the group I go to is one of the loveliest, gentlest, least judgemental people I’ve ever met! Which is probably why the group is so respectful and ‘hardline’ proponents of ANY aspect of childcare are not in a position to criticise others or make them feel insecure. It’s very funny - most of the group said at their first meeting that they’d been putting off coming because they don’t like these groups and thought it’d be clique-y or preachy but that now they wish they’d come sooner as it’s such a warm, friendly and respectful place. We’re all different and we all do things differently - I do lots of things that are within AP labels, slings, breastfeeding etc, but I don’t breastfeed full-term, for example, because I decided that a rational mother was better for my children than one who dreaded and resented each feed. I shout a lot more than I’d like, I let my children watch TV when they’re ill and sometimes when they’re not just because I need a few minutes to think straight without anyone demanding anything…
I agree with most of the comments above, but I do feel that the AP principles aren’t fairly represented - flashcards are nothing to do with AP, it’s about supporting your child at their pace, not hothousing at all! Also, it’s not about putting the child’s needs above everyone else in the world. I can’t find Dr Sears saying that anywhere. It’s about a healthy, respectful relationship between parents, parent and child and siblings.
This thread also raised an interesting point for me. I’ve always felt that I had an easier time adjusting to parenting than many women do because I was so young and had never had the chance to settle into a routine, do the things I liked or even discover what those things were. I went straight from being a child to being a parent and actually, I think it is far easier to just get on with it because when you don’t know any other adult life, it’s much less of a compromise of your own needs/wants. I think it must be a lot harder if you have had a career, a home of your own (that is tidy?!) and a social life, and you have to give that up/put it on hold. I’d be really interested to know if anyone else has thought that - I know several of us were teenage parents?
Claire xx
I can certainly relate to this; although I was married and had financial security i was a mother at 19, I had just finished my A levels then was pregnant fairly quickly, so hadn’t “spread my wings” so to speak. I was naive and didn’t have any experience with children, but after an initial few weeks shock i was very relaxed and took to parenting very easily. I was young and had lots of energy; older friends who had babies used to speak of exhaustion and I just couldn’t relate to that. I’m 29 now and more “set in my ways” and have much less patience than what I did ten years go. I think if I were to have a first baby at my age now I would definately miss out on pre children life a lot more. Most of my friends (who are about 5-10 years older than me) are relieved when their maternity leave ends, although they obviously enjoy being with their children they need more, simply because that is what they were accustomed to before having children. Sorry, i think I’m going off in a tangent now!
I dont know….I came to motherhood relatively late-ish at 32 compared to some of you guys and though Id definitely say Id like more energy, I dont however want my old life back. I just dont think like that. Im relieved not to be living my old social life quite frankly!! Im also glad I had the opportunities to travel before children, and being perfectly honest, my life now is much easier in lots of ways & I actually have more time, than the 10 years I spent working pre-children. Having been in the teaching profession, I was quite used to having all my spare time accounted for!
The parenting part doesnt bother me, even when its hard. What I detest is the grind of domestic chores. I really, really resent and hate that part, now *that* makes me grouchy!
Of course Id like more spare time to pursue other things….I know in time that will come though. I do waste alot of time though, so I know if I were a bit stricter with how I use free time or time when the kids are playing, I could achieve some of those other things.
I think Ive gone right off the point again I dont think I ever really answer the question!
Plus I really wouldnt have wanted me as a mother when I was 19!!!! I think I came to motherhood at just the right time for me, I was really ready for it to change my life. I wanted my life to change.
Hmm, but what’s been described isn’t necessarily AP but permissive parenting. At no time does AP state that you have to give up your own needs in order to be attached to a child, nor does it suggest that the parent cannot set boundaries for behaviour and expectations. Indeed family is the first socilisation that a child will experience; and family and indeed society is essentially, about compromise.
I hear what you’re saying too Claire, and perhaps for some “older” parents there is a sense of “giving up”. I think that is based on mental attitude to a great deal. I was in my 30’s before I fell pregnant, completely by surprisse with Rye. My life is utterly different from what it was, and I have changed immensely. Perhaps because I was not overly happy pre-Rye, and becoming a mother has given me a lifestyle that makes me very happy indeed.
Sure I hate the tedium of housework; nonetheless I do not look back on my life before and wish I could have any part of it back - even the great bits; because I’ve moved on, I’m in a new phase of my life and I’m loving seeing what it brings in terms of Rye developing, the new friends I am making, the networks and community that is being built, the activities and trips - everything. It’s wonderful.
The only thing I do wish for, is that I’d realised earlier that I do like children and enjoy them…. I very much doubt I will ever have another child now, not even sure I want to at this stage; but had it been an option a few years back, I would have loved another child or two.
I became a mum at nineteen, hubby just twenty one with twins! Round the clock bottle feeding was endorsed by the hospital as breastfeeding was not “in” at the time… in 1986! Another babe followed three years later followed by two more when I was 36 and then at 41!! I’ve seen so many changes in these past 25 years and although I enjoyed being a young mum and had heaps of energy compared to now(!), I do feel more relaxed as an on older parent.
AP was totally new to me and although I’ve breastfed all the others bar the twins, it was only when i had Pip now three that I discovered baby wearing, for sure this saved my sanity in that first year!! Life continued and she was part of it all from the word go. She has also been the one to breastfeed the longest and sadly I did have to wean her after her third birthday as I needed to be on medication for my health and this was not comparable with nursing. The only thing I don’t do well is co sleeping as I cannot sleep properly as our bed is not big enough for three, hubby however is great in this respect so he co sleeps with Pip and I kip in her bed!! She has spent time in her own cot/bed on and off but when she’s unsettled we opt for the easy way.
Like all aspects of parenting there are extremes across the board and I can see how confusing it might be for a first time parent to gain the support and encouragement they need, it’s not easy when met with a die hard proponent of a particular method! Thank goodness for a space like this where people are loved and encouraged through the good and the bad.
Thanks for sharing the links and apologies for waffling!
I was nearly 25 when I had DD, not sure if that’s old or young, depends on where you are in the country. It’s very old for where I’m originally from, very young for where I was living when I got pregnant! My life was all over the place and was expecting lots of changes anyway as my job situation wasn’t working out. My baby wasn’t planned though and apparantly I never seemed maternal and I never expected to have children. But I wanted to do the best I could for DD. I read a couple of baby books and magazines and it felt “detatched” and then I found GP magazine which introduced me to AP, UP etc. When I read Dr Sears’ Attachment Parenting, I didn’t read it as a rigid plan to follow (he doesn’t actually TELL you what to do at all), I just found it encouraged me to do things naturally and gave me confidence to do what I feel right instead of following what my mother says I “should” and “shouldn’t” or “can” and “can’t” be doing. And not only is he a doctor, but a father of 8, so I’ve used his book as advice and as scientific arguments to dismiss the comments such as “just give her a bottle at night”, “she shouldn’t be feeding hourly” (at a few weeks old), “you can’t carry her for much longer”, “you won’t be able to put her down”, “she has to sleep in a cot”, “maybe she needs a dummy”. When experienced people say all that to you, it can be hard to answer if you’re young and inexperienced and very easy to accept their “advice”. I needed AP to tell me my instincts aren’t wrong! In fact I didn’t want to cosleep at first and we didn’t for a couple of weeks, but it just kind of happened and now it works really well, but if I’d not read what AP says about it, I would probably still be fighting to get her to sleep in her cot and I would be a lot more stressed! But I would never do something just because it’s in the AP guidelines and I wouldn’t beat myself up if I couldn’t or didn’t want to do something in it.
Thankfully now everyone comments on how content she is, how much she’s growing, how alert she is, or how natural we are together.
I suppose I consider myself very fortunate, whilst I was 25 when I had DS1 we were the first of our friends to have children. We had no-one telling us what to do, so we just did what felt right. Once we met other parents, as you do when you become one, we were the only ones without a carry car seat, because we decided we wanted to carry our baby, not a car seat. We were the only ones with a sling, but what was lovely was out of our antenatal group a vast proportion of us decidede to breastfeed, and in effect had our own support group afterwards as we maintained contact.
As for AP, there were elements of it in there from the start, but I only came across the term and even the books once I was pregnant with DD 4 years ago. I guess it all comes down to trusting yourself, and thinking outside the box. Also taking what works for you and your family, and discarding (without guilt) those bits that do not work. Even returning to work when Ds1 was 7 months old was possible as mum became his carer for those 2 days, and I could pop back at lunch times to give him a feed. At the end of the day I think AP and the modern woman working hand in hand comes down to having the support network that AP was based on in the first place.
I suppose I consider myself very fortunate, whilst I was 25 when I had DS1 we were the first of our friends to have children. We had no-one telling us what to do, so we just did what felt right. Once we met other parents, as you do when you become one, we were the only ones without a carry car seat, because we decided we wanted to carry our baby, not a car seat. We were the only ones with a sling, but what was lovely was out of our antenatal group a vast proportion of us decidede to breastfeed, and in effect had our own support group afterwards as we maintained contact.
As for AP, there were elements of it in there from the start, but I only came across the term and even the books once I was pregnant with DD 4 years ago. I guess it all comes down to trusting yourself, and thinking outside the box. Also taking what works for you and your family, and discarding (without guilt) those bits that do not work. Even returning to work when Ds1 was 7 months old was possible as mum became his carer for those 2 days, and I could pop back at lunch times to give him a feed. At the end of the day I think AP and the modern woman working hand in hand comes down to having the support network that AP was based on in the first place.
What’s worse than friends telling you what to do is (well-meaning) family who ‘s experience is based on 25-50 years ago, which was generally based on bad advice based on having no trust on nature, and trying explain to them that a baby will not dehydrate if she doesn’t have bottles of water and she doesn’t need to use a baby walker to strengthen her legs before she can walk, without them getting defensive.
Luckily for me I live next to a town with a hippy image. And with all the hills and tiny shops, most people round find it more practical to use a sling. I think slings are the main visual AP thing.
I’m late to this conversation but my idea of parenting, although given the name Attachment Parenting here in the West, is to parent instinctively. I will only do what feels right for me and is not forced and does not induce guilt. It’s all I’ve ever been drawn to. I don’t get how parents will stick to anything that makes them feel crap, just so they tick boxes. I grew up in a society where baby wearing, co-sleeping, BLW and EC were practised as the norm. But it was a community effort. Babies and children were also spanked and whipped though, and I’m making do without that aspect! Parenting my son has been and is the most intense experience I’ve ever embarked in, and I refuse to do it in any way that does not come naturally to me. If my son would sleep in his own space, I’d happily oblige him, but as it is, he’s a co-sleeper that checks to see if I’m beside him, otherwise he wakes up and gives me hell. Even naps are seldom taken alone - hard going! But, he’s my job now, so I go with the flow.
Im also glad I had the opportunities to travel before children, and being perfectly honest, my life now is much easier in lots of ways & I actually have more time, than the 10 years I spent working pre-children. Having been in the teaching profession, I was quite used to having all my spare time accounted for!
