With dd and ds1 we part time co-slept. They were right next to my side of the bed in a crib but they’d normally come in from halfway through the night and stay there til morning. They both did this til they were about 3 or 4yrs old.

When they were tiny they’d sleep in between us under their blankets and we’d shove the duvet down on us so it didn’t cover them and if it was cold we’d have another normal blanket over our upper bodies.

We were discussing getting a mattress for the crib the other day for the baby and then discussed maybe just solely co-sleeping and not bothering with the crib….until I read that “under no circumstances should you co sleep if you are extremely tired” and all the other obvious ones such as not if you’ve been drinking or smoking etc.  So then that got me worried about permanently co sleeping with no crib option at all - because with a new baby and two school age children to cope with surely there will be times when I/we are “extremely tired”.  When ds was tiny I was in a permanent state of exhaustion - so much so for the first couple of months I never even woke when he’d cry for his feed during the night and he was right next to me!! Thankfully DH would always wake up! 

Now, I must explain that I am pretty certain I had PND for at least 2yrs after ds was born (undiagnosed as didn’t want to see the GP) so that could have possibly explained the extreme tiredness…but obviously there’s no guarantee I won’t get it again.

Also, with regards to co sleeping - we have a mattress topper - I guess the baby can’t sleep on that, but I was thinking about shifting the topper over so I’m still on it but the baby is on the normal mattress underneath (have him next to me and not in between us) and then fit the bed guard to my side to stop him falling out. But then when the mattress topper next to him is he at risk of turning into that?  Should I just get rid of the topper completely until he’s older?

Also, our mattress is pretty old (can’t afford a new one right now) - will steaming it be sufficient to get it clean enough for a newborn?

Please tell me what you have done to combat these issues as DH is especially worried about it all.
Thank you! x x x

I would remove the topper. A small square pillow for you, warm top and duvet only to your waist. Baby in warm sleep suit if necessary.

That means there will be no blanket, pillows etc that might be a problem

Hello Skye-Blue,

My first impression is that if there were no problems with your older children, despite PND etc, then there is probably nothing to worry about.  Most importantly though, there is nothing that you can’t sort out in a day.  If you decide one day/night that co-sleeping isn’t working, you can just go out and buy a mattress for the crib - no need to buy one ‘just in case’!  Or if the mattress topper is in the way, you can just move it.

I don’t know why the baby couldn’t sleep on the mattress topper (although other people may have some good reasons).  He will be pretty light so even if it is quite soft, he probably wont sink right into it.

wrt steam cleaning a mattress - I don’t have a lot of experience of steam cleaning, but I would be concerned about blasting water into a mattress.  I think it might just leave you with a damp bed which will get mouldy.  Could you take the mattress topper outside and beat it with a stick - like people used to do to carpets?  Or would you consider buying a new mattress topper only?  We have a protective cover over our mattress - like another sheet, which I think is waterproof so could be another option (just cover it up instead!)

I wouldn’t worry about the being tired bit, I remember reading this when my oldest was about 18 months we had co-slept continuously up to then (and not read anything about it before then) and thinking what a load of cobblers.  You are permanently tired with new baby, it is a veiled way of telling parents not to do it. 

I would do what you and you husband are comfortable with.

I’ve been extremely tired for eleven years but I’ve never squashed any of my babies (and neither has anyone else - it doesn’t happen unless under the influence of drink/drugs) and have always woken up when they’ve needed me. I hate that bit in the advice, it seems to be designed to frighten new parents. Surely it’s more likely that someone who is extremely tired will have difficulty waking and responding to a baby that is further away from them? I think it’s also a risk more associated with falling asleep on the sofa - they don’t often separate out safe and unsafe co-sleeping in the research.

Claire xx

When bf and cosleeping your sleep cycles synchronise with the baby, so you don’t actually sleep very deeply, ime

When I was finally allowed to go to sleep after giving birth, after labour, a big blood loss and a full night’s lost sleep, my husband asked if I wanted the baby with me, and for the first and only time, I said “no”, because I was so exhausted I didn’t feel safe - I knew that nothing would wake me in those first couple of hours. I think that’s the level of tiredness the guidelines are referring to though, not the normal “being shattered” that comes from being a parent of more than one child. I was practically comatose though - slept through having my blood pressure taken twice. Obviously if you sleep *that* deeply you might want to consider other options, but normal deep sleep is ok in my experience.

Angie

Sounds like you have had some good experience and advice there already. Just to add our experience - We had an arms reach co-sleeper next to the bed, which was good as baby had her own space, but nice and snuggly and close too. DH drinks most evenings so wouldn’t have them between us.

DD is now 19 months and spends most if not all night next to me with DH in a single butted up to the double and DS on the other side in a single the smae, so in effect we have an 11ft bed! We also have a topper which never seemed to be a problem. I also never woke even though was extremely tired! x

er actually I mean I do always wake even when super tired - don’t know what my fingers are typing!!!

You can get a good thick mattress protector sheet/cover (or 2?) and then top with two fitted sheets.  That would be hygenic enough, even with a less so mattress.  I think of the babies I se esleeping in the dirt in their mothers arms for a nap on a film in Nambia and think, wow even my milk stained sheet here is totally fine

I have slept with all of my children, from day one until they moved out, ages 6, 4 and one still in with me at 4.  I have suffered bone tiredness, but as long as you are not taking drugs or drinking there is no reason to think you will not wake for your baby.  Lying next to them and breastfeeding is a way to become so in synch that you wake without knowing.  When I was at uni, (Durham) my uni studied co-sleeping and had a sleep lab.  As students we got to watch some of the videos and they were fabulous.  There was one that sticks out in my mind, where I think we all sat biting our nails, a very huge mand and a very huge woman shared a very small regular double bed.  I don’t know how they even turned over.  Then their babyws born and slept with them!  You could hardly see it between them but lo and behold every night it survived to cry another cry.  It was amazing.  The parents shifted in sleep, hitched the blankest, up, down, the mother would roll with the baby in her arms (just as I found myself doing when I would turn over at night).  It really set me up to want to co sleep when I became a parent.

I think just have confidence, perhaps steam clean or vacum and neem treat your bed (way in advance) and double up with fitted sheets.  I always used a little wool blanket too for us both, extra to the duvet, just so it could be something light and breathable we could have right up to our necks/over shoulders.  The Disana one from cambridge baby is superb.  I think even their pic shows my dd!  Well it used too…...

I agree with Claire, Angie, and mamauk—I don’t believe that normal levels of parental exhaustion are dangerous, and I wish they wouldn’t include that in the guidelines.  All parents are tired!  We’ve coslept with our daughter from the beginning and although I wasn’t sure how it would work before I had a baby, as soon as she was in bed with me it all made sense; my body was aware of hers, no matter how tired I was.  I think if I was so tired that she would’ve been in danger, I would’ve known it, as Angie did.  I’ve never worried about smothering her.  And really, as Claire says, if you are that exhausted, isn’t the danger of something happening to your child in another room—and you being unaware of it—even greater than the danger of you rolling on top of your child?