... if something you held very precious was ruined by the thoughtless behaviour of someone who you consider should have known better?

Before we moved house last year I had sorted through Freya’s paintings and drawings that she had done from when she could first hold a paintbrush/pencil up to age approx 8 years old and made a roll tied with ribbon of the ones I wanted to keep. As far as I was concerned they had been left wrapped up in plastic and on a shelf in the garage (we have no loft) when we moved in.

At the weekend I discovered them on the floor of the garage, under some heavy bags, damp and eaten by mice. Someone had just chucked them there despite knowing what was inside.

I was so upset - I can’t begin to describe the pain I felt.

I have tried to analyse where I’m coming from with this - why I should be attached to ‘stuff’ when I’ve tried so hard to let go of things over the last few years. Reason keeps telling me that nothing truly dreadful has happened, but my heart just hurts so much that I can’t even talk about it right now.

I suppose the fact that I couldn’t have any more children after Freya was born makes me feel more possessive and attached to events and things associated with her babyhood - and she is the miracle that shouldn’t have happened but did - but I can’t stop feeling so hurt that the someone who did this didn’t feel the same…

If this happened to you would you feel like this? Am I overeacting? Or would you feel the same?

I would feel the same - those things are very precious to me and I try to keep them safe. I’m aware however, that they just aren’t important to my husband - the things he holds precious are our girls themselves - he lives in the moment with them and isn’t bothered at all by old pictures, baby clothes etc, even old photos. That’s not to say that he shouldn’t look after the things that are precious to me - of course he should, but they just aren’t a high priority to him like they are to me. If I haven’t directly told him that something is special to me, he wouldn’t know - even if it was tied with ribbon and wrapped in plastic! Even if I have told him, it’s unlikely he’d remember over a period of years.

I guess my point is, as awful as it feels (and I would be heartbroken), when you’ve had a chance to get upset about it, you’ll need to make a decision about whether the paintings are *as* important as your relationship with the “someone” - does they fact that they don’t hold these things in the same esteem as you mean that you have less in comman than you thought (ie: is it a symptom of a deeper problem) or can you see that this person values your daughter, but perhaps in a different style to you?

Angie

We used to have a big box with all the older childrens scan photo’s, birth photo’s, first drawings, paintings, writings, first outfits, etc. We moved home when our oldest child was 6 years old so a lot of memories of our four oldest childrens early years. The box was taped up, labelled, wrapped in plastic film to protect from any spills, and then placed in a specific room which I clearly asked everyone not to go into as those items were going in the car with us. DH was doing the moving along with his friend. To cut a long story short the box vanished during the move. DH swore he never touched it, he knew it was precious to us both. The friend denied all knowledge. The box was never seen again. I was so so angry, couldn’t accept it may have been DH, he knew the importance, blamed the friend, blamed vindictiveness - how could you “lose” a box of that size between two houses?
I got over it eventually, told myself that there were far more important things in our lives - we didn’t need physical reminders, we still had memories locked away and happy healthy children to fill our days.
I don’t keep anything any more though. Artwork is displayed for a while and then recycled (sometimes there are photo’s taken), first clothing/shoes etc are passed down or given away, photo’s are kept on electronic media. What we have is what we need or use right now or will in the future. The experience made me less sentimental over physical things which is probably good for us - we have 8 children and a grandchild, thats a lot of memories
So to answer your qestion - no, I don’t think you’re over reacting, I felt the same back then. But it’s not the end of the world, you will get over it eventually. Although you will probably always have pangs too, I still do occasionally when sorting through stuff.

B xx

Yes, I’d feel the same. I find it really hard when this happens - things I take a lot of care with, or spend a long time thinking about, just not seeming to matter to another in the same way. I wonder if we do have stronger attachments to all the peripheral stuff because we’re more ‘in it’, iyswim? I guess for me, my daily life IS the children and their lives and so I have a very strong attachment to the things I’ve valued highly from these times, the things that I feel are really important. I’m sorry, I don’t have any idea what would be useful to say, I just wanted you to know that I know exactly what you mean and would feel the same. Hugs

Claire xxx

My feeling this is more about the ‘thoughtless behaviour’ than the art work?

You know the reality is that one day these things, EVERYTHING we own will be gone. Our house could catch fire, we could have a flood, we could be called to evacuate in an emergency and you wouldn’t pack the drawings; you would simply ensure everyone you love is safe and with you…

I can understand your attachment to these items, however Freya is still your miracle child and you don’t need the drawings to prove that; you only need to look into her eyes and hold her close to remember the miraculous event of her life.

Your issue, as I see it, is with the person who carried out the ‘thoughtless behaviour’ and it’s how you choose to respond to this that will determine the way you find closure. You can’t get the items back; they are now gone, but you still have the person who carried out the behaviour in your life.

I think the key to successful relationships lies in accepting that we do not always share the same values. Hopefully we share the ones that are deeply, deeply important to us on a soul level. But there will be other areas where we simply have to accept one another’s viewpoint. I am quite sure we can ALL find areas in our relationships where a clash of values is at play.

So you can express yourself without confrontation with something like “When [I discovered the drawings had been damaged] I felt [however you feel - my heart hurts / upset / ] because [I thought they had been carefully stored and taken care of]”.
That way you are expressing how you feel but without blame to the other person.

I had a similar thing with a drawing a friend did for DD when she was born. It was beautiful and I put it on the mantlepiece. One day DH was lighting a fire and he left the lighter going and put it on the mantel - well you can guess the rest; the picture caught fire.

Yes I was upset and hurt, I thought he had been bloody careless. But I realised on reflection that *I* should have framed that picture and put it on the wall where it couldn’t be harmed by a naked flame. Or *I* should have kept it in a room where there was no danger. Or *I* should have put it into an album rather than leaving it in a vulnerable place.

Maybe you could take back some of the responsibility for this incident. If these paintings were on a shelf in a garage how important were they honestly, truly, deeply? Wouldn’t those paintings be more valued framed and on the wall or beautifully presented in an album?

I realised that putting a picture as it was on a mantlepiece wasn’t exactly good stewardship; it was an accident waiting to happen. I also learned, when I went mad at my husband, that his value on the painting was nowhere near the same as mine; so there was a lesson learned for me…

I hope you feel calmer about things soon and who knows, maybe like I can with the painting my friend did for me, you might even be able to laugh about this one day

All love
SC X

Thanks for that - I’m glad it’s not just me

I think I was most upset by the fact that the someone - yes it was husband! - didn’t pay attention to what he was doing, despite the fact that he had been told not to move/touch certain things as I know what he is like!

He is definitely not attached to things in the same way that I am, and is quite cavalier with his own stuff which is why I was so specific. I always have to point precious things out to him otherwise he will not be careful - but this I just cannot understand.

I know he is upset that he has hurt me so much - and I am so frustrated that he just didn’t THINK when he was moving stuff around in the garage - and I know there is no real point in having a row as nothing can be done about it but….another part of me wants to hit him.

I know I will have to wait for the hurt to subside - it does help to know that I’m not overreacting though.

Thanks for the hugs and stories

Just found your reply, Starchild, after my last post was sent.

I hear what you are saying, and I have been trying to rationalise it in a similar way - after all, no-one has died/been physically injured etc

The paintings had to be in the garage, as part of the deal of my keeping them was that they didn’t come in the house. In the past I tried to keep just about everything that belonged to Freya over her baby and childhood - it became a big problem, and it took me a long time to let go.

I knew it wasn’t healthy. The house move before this last one took place when Freya was about 8yo, and that was the opportunity to ‘move on’ in more ways than one.

When I was ready to ‘let go’ there were certain things I had to keep - and these drawings were some of them. That’s part of the reason I’m so upset - I had already done the ‘choosing’.

I know what you are saying about housefires etc, which is why I’m trying not to lose the plot over this - but it does still hurt, and that’s what I’m trying to come to terms with.

Sure thing, DH and I have very different ideas/feelings about many things, which often works in our favour - two different perspectives on a problem for example.

I have had to forgive him and fast - or it would blow up out of all proportion, and as I said, he was very upset when he realised what he had done. I need to work on me and MY feelings - and it is comforting to hear all your stories/opinions/ideas for coping

Ahhh, now I’ve read the rest of the story I can see how painful this was for you. But look at how far you have travelled; you’ve been on an amazing journey of letting go. You should feel really proud of yourself.

From here, you are handling everything beautifully; with grace and balance; you have such self awareness - I love that in people

SC x

crystalmummy - 14 May 2012 10:54 AM

Just found your reply, Starchild, after my last post was sent.

I hear what you are saying, and I have been trying to rationalise it in a similar way - after all, no-one has died/been physically injured etc

The paintings had to be in the garage, as part of the deal of my keeping them was that they didn’t come in the house. In the past I tried to keep just about everything that belonged to Freya over her baby and childhood - it became a big problem, and it took me a long time to let go.

I knew it wasn’t healthy. The house move before this last one took place when Freya was about 8yo, and that was the opportunity to ‘move on’ in more ways than one.

When I was ready to ‘let go’ there were certain things I had to keep - and these drawings were some of them. That’s part of the reason I’m so upset - I had already done the ‘choosing’.

I know what you are saying about housefires etc, which is why I’m trying not to lose the plot over this - but it does still hurt, and that’s what I’m trying to come to terms with.

Sure thing, DH and I have very different ideas/feelings about many things, which often works in our favour - two different perspectives on a problem for example.

I have had to forgive him and fast - or it would blow up out of all proportion, and as I said, he was very upset when he realised what he had done. I need to work on me and MY feelings - and it is comforting to hear all your stories/opinions/ideas for coping

You and your DH sound like me and mine. We are totally opposite in the way we think. He is very for the moment - doesn’t even like to plan what to have for dinner til it’s dinner time! I try and be organised and also like to keep things like the children’s items (the two older ones have a “baby box” with keepsakes but this is a HUGE storage box - not just a shoe box! - it has favourite items of clothing, paintings, all their birth cards, first shoes, their hospital tag and even the clip from their cord all stored in there.) Finley will have his own once he has done things too (he’s 4 weeks old at the moment so not even grown out of his first clothes yet!).

I have been with DH since I was 19 - I am 35 now and I still feel like I will throttle him at times with his difference in opinions to me. Since Fin was born it has re-surfaced again as I feel it has done when each child was born - just because I am more particular about things when the children are tiny and he’s really not - so we often clash for the first few months, even over a year until life has settled down and I’m not so particular anymore.

Like you say, sometimes it works in our favour - different perspectives on things - but sometimes it drives me to insanity!

Huge huge hugs as I know I would have been mortified too (we lost DS1’s first 2yrs of photographs as we never got round to saving them onto disc/memory stick and the PC died on us and lost them all - I still don’t feel I’ve totally got over that despite managing to collect quite a lot from family to replace the memories.).

x x x x x x x x

No you’re not over reacting, and even if you were, you are still entitled to feel your pain.

I still feel anger and pangs thinking about all my kid stuff that my brother threw away.  He inherited my mum’s house after she died, and despite it all being in the loft and not bothering him, he decided to throw it all away and then send me an email afterwards telling me that as I’d not bothered to come and collect it he’d got rid.  I was so furious I told him what a selfish ignorant T*** he was, and to never contact me again.  With the other history between us we never did speak again, (although I did try to make contact many times) - he is the brother that killed himself last year. 

When Rye wwas born I did save some things his hospital tags, first baby grow he wore, first clip of his hair etc… when I left his dad, the box got left behind (I could have sworn it was in my meagre belongings to bring with me… but we’ll let that go), any how when I realised I didn’t have it and asked my ex for it, he claimed no knowledge.  I know he’s lying, however.  But I’ve just had to let it go otherwise it would be something that would eat at me.

These days I’m less sentimental; I like to take photos, and in effect my blog is my record of Rye and precious moments - (thus I back it up often!).
But yeah, actual belongings I’ve become less attached to.

Saying all that,, there are times when I find myself feeling very rankled when I like about all my old schoolwork, sewing machine (a singer for goodness sakes!), books that I’d saved from my childhood etc and Rye’s box.

((((hugs))))))

Jx