Today at a family gathering I was getting a bit nervous feeding Poppy who has been getting increasingly brazen when wanting to bf and I was trying to keep my top low which was getting in her face a bit, so she was trying to push it up again.
Without really thinking I quietly said to her ‘some people don’t like to see it’ and she looked me straight in the eye and pulled my top right down to her mouth.
I was shocked and horrified that she ‘got it’ straight away and reacted like this - I don’t know what I expected really but I don’t want her to become embarressed to feed in public.
How do some of you rationalise (or not) other peoples reactions to bfing to a nursing toddler?
So worried this may become an issue for her now, do you think it could influence the weaning process???

You have nothing to be ashamed of! You were being respectful of the feelings of others, and teaching the same to your daughter - doing what you felt was right in the moment. In hindsight, if you and your daughter are comfortable nursing in public, then I would just go for it. However, I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with being discreet - I personally don’t like having my top hoicked up - in public or not, and I and both my kids have perfected the art of nursing practically invisibly! It’s a godsend when having to nurse outside in the cold!

My older daughter is still going strong at 3.5, so I don’t think that encouraging her to keep me covered has made her feel she is doing something “wrong” or made her wean

I guess it depends on why you said what you did - if it was purely for the sake of others, then maybe they need to rethink their attitudes to nursing, but if it was to help *you* feel more comfortable, either physically or emotionally, then I don’t think there is a problem at all. If it was going to affect your daughter then she would have stopped - but she didn’t, she listened to you and did as you asked! Oh, to have a toddler like that!

Angie

Hi Lizy,

Just out of interest, how old is Poppy?

Don’t feel bad at all, I understand how uncomfortable it can be, for me especially around family, and especially when my 19 month old is having a good old feel of the other boob as she nurses!

If it would help at all, maybe you can say to Poppy that you want her to know she can feed whenever she wants and that that was your reaction, nothing to do with her, and that you love to feed her? Although my daughter is only 19 months old, I genuinely believe that speaking to her, and in particular, apologising to her if I’ve done something I didn’t mean to, really helps. Even if she doesn’t fully get it (and I believe they get a heck of a lot more than you think, as your daughter demonstrated!) I do think they understand emotion and it might help both of you? Just a suggestion - I always feel better for it.

I used to be so embarrassed at b/feeding, so sure someone somewhere had an issue with it, but in over 18 months, in all the strange and wonderful locations I have done it in, I’ve never once had any issues. With family I feel differently, because although no one would say anything, I know some are definitely thinking, ‘My God, why are you *still* breastfeeding her?’ My MIL said to my husband once that my daughter would still be feeding when she’s 18 if I didn’t wean her soon!

What helps me is feeling like I’m a part of something much bigger than me - even if I don’t always feel comfortable, I enjoy feeling strong and confident doing it wherever the hell I like, because I genuinely believe that part of my role as a breastfeeding Mama is to be part of the social change too - even if it just raising awareness. It warms my heart to think that perhaps some little girl somewhere might see me doing it, and that image, along with any others, might stick with her, might even play a part in her decision to bf later in life.

I really love imagining that my daughter will grow up in a society that is much more informed and open-minded than the one we currently live in, where, hopefully, it will not even be an issue for her, and I know that our personal bf-ing relationship will play a big part in that. I know all that is easier said than done, but I find that if I at least act confidently, the confidence itself follows, and the less you show that you are embarrassed, the less other people will feel there is anything you should be embarrassed about!

Another thing that really helps me is I really now my facts when it comes to extended bf-ing, and if any of my family make a jokey comment, I like to remind them that not only is it doing my daughter a world of good, considering her immune system doesn’t mature til she is 6, and breastmilk is constantly adapting to suit her needs but actually, for every year I breastfeed, my chances of getting ovarian cancer or type 2 diabeties decreases. Also, thank God our ancestors didn’t wean til we were much older or none of us would be here now!

Long reply…but remember, you are doing such an awesome job, and you should feel so proud of yourself and so happy for what you have are continuing to do for and with your daughter!

xx

Angiegw - 20 May 2012 10:04 PM

... she listened to you and did as you asked! Oh, to have a toddler like that!

Which was my thought when I read that. Don’t beat yourself up about that!

Hi Lizy,

You shouldn’t feel ashamed at all. You’re within your legal rights to breastfeed your baby in public places, no matter how old your baby is. I don’t seem to be able to add an attachment, so check the link below for the actual wording of the law:
http://www.maternityaction.org.uk/knowyourrights.html

I carry with me at all times this print out; just in case I get hassled, I’ll show that. I carry this document with me since I was told off recently for breastfeeding my then 2-months old baby while waiting for the interview to get my National Insurance Number. I can’t understand (well, I do; it’s “sexual”) why people feel so embarrassed seeing a woman breastfeeding; the nipples aren’t even exposed; you can hardly see anything, except that the baby is obviously feeding happily. Personally, I find it uncomfortable to raise my top because it gets in the way of baby feeding; so, I actually wear clothes with tops that lower down easily, and it is still quite difficult to make out the breast.

Well done for breastfeeding your baby! Hugs, Bianca

Bianca, actually I don’t think Lizy is ashamed of breastfeeding in public; if I’m reading correctly, the “ashamed” in her topic title refers to what she said to Poppy about keeping her shirt down.  But I agree with what other people have already said—depending on Poppy’s age, I think it’s perfectly fair to discuss your needs/expectations with her.  Like Angie, I don’t much enjoy having my clothes hoicked up even at home (I get cold, plus I’m sorry but I do need to feel like I have some control over my own body, even when bf-ing!), so I laid out the rules very early on, and Ru is now almost 3 and I’m pregnant AND she’s still breastfeeding, so I don’t think it scared her out of breastfeeding .  I just presented it very gently as “Mummy doesn’t like…,” which to me is fine because breastfeeding is a relationship between me and my child, and I think it’s good for her to know that even Mummy has things she likes and doesn’t like.  It doesn’t bother me in the least when other mamas breastfeed less discreetly—I always think, good for them if they don’t have hang-ups around this!—but it just doesn’t work for me personally; as a family we’re open and comfortable with each other’s naked bodies but I’m very self-conscious and modest outside my home.

I do have to admit that bf-ing in public has become more complicated for me the older R has grown.  I admire your devotion to the cause of making long-term bf-ing more acceptable, Mamamake, and it’s a cause I very much agree with in theory, but once Ru was over two, there were not many places I felt comfortable bf-ing in public.  Mostly around other mothers who had made the same choice, really; out in the wide world, I did honestly find myself unable to deal with judgment.  So again, I talked about it with Ru; there were times when I would tell her to wait until we were in the car or at home.  It’s never been a huge deal because we don’t leave the house all that much, but now at nearly 3 she sees it as something we do when it’s just family.  I did my best not to make it seem like something negative, but like something cosy and intimate that we do in private—I know that that attitude is usually reserved for talking to kids about masturbation or sex, but in our case it’s applied to breastfeeding past the age of 2 as well, though again, I make exceptions when I am with other mothers who are breastfeeding older children.

Preetabird - 21 May 2012 09:54 AM

Bianca, actually I don’t think Lizy is ashamed of breastfeeding in public; if I’m reading correctly, the “ashamed” in her topic title refers to what she said to Poppy about keeping her shirt down.

Ooopps. Mea culpa. Sorry, my fault; my excuse: baby brain and tiredness. Thanks for pointing that out Preetabird. Hugs, Bianca

The really strange bit that gets me is that some people feel *offended* at seeing a woman BF, even if it’s done very discreetly, but nobody bats an eyelid or causes a fuss about a woman on a hot day in the park wearing a bikini!

You have done nothing to be ashamed of.  What you’re teaching your daughter is about respect.  Regardless of what other people thing about you breastfeeding in public or at all, it’s about how you are comfortable feeding in public.  I’ve seen some Mum’s who happily pull their top down and don’t care how much breast they expose, and that’s fine if that’s what’s comfortable for them.  Personally while I had no problem breastfeeding in public at all, I didn’t want to expose my breast for all to see (plus it can be cold) so I would wear a vest top which I could pull down underneath another top that I would pull up.  This allowed my DD excess to feed but kept me covered to a level I was happy with.

Your daughter has to learn to be respectful to you and your body, as you are respectful to her.  There’s nothing wrong in having a few rules about what’s acceptable for you both when feeding

Thanks for the lovely replies, I do feel reassured hearing your experiences and can appreciate that it is perfectly acceptable to have some rules within our breastfeeding relationship. Poppy is 2 years and 7 months now, and does’t always do as I ask  
I do the same as you Michelle and have a long vest to pull down under the top that I pull up but it can still be a bit awkward espesially as she loves to fiddle with my *spare* nipple at the same time, as you also mentioned MamaMake (and I love the idea of providing some bfing memories for future mummys to draw on too btw!)
I suppose I just need to explain that I am more comfortable sometimes being a bit more discreet. It is not often I feel the need to be so private about it (unless it is cold) but it is good for her to understand that yanking on my clothes will not always be acceptable.
I may move to breastfeeding less in public as she gets older preetabird but whist she is feeding so frequently and getting so much comfort from it in unfamiliar surroundings I don’t want to change that just yet.
I did read in ‘the drinks are on me’ that peer pressure and attitudes from others can influence a childs decision of when to stop breastfeeding but realise that a one-off event is unlikely to have much impact, I think it is worth me being aware of that though.
Thanks for the link Bianca - I will have a look as my understanding was that only mums bfing babies under 6 months were protected by law!