I am having some issues with my mum at the minute which are really stressing me out.  As a result of them I am finding I don’t really like her as a person at the minute and I am not close to her and certainly don’t want to discuss or involve her in anything.  It’s really upsetting me as I always had this lovely extended family togetherness image in my head and it’s just completely impossible at the minute.  My husband keeps telling me he doesn’t know why I bother and it would be less stress on me if I just didn’t involve her at all, but then I think that’s not exactly going to improve the situation is it?  Sometimes I wonder if I’m overreacting and if this is normal behaviour and I’m just too sensitive.

I know some of it is old resentment and anger that I have just never managed to get past.  This includes how she reacted to the news that I was pregnant “is that all you wanted to tell me…right” and then hung up, after I had my my eldest “well your a good mum to her, but people like you (mental health problems) shouldn’t have children.  She also refused to be their legal guardian at one point, then had a big go at me later on when I said she wasn’t as she obviously didn’t mean what she said originally.  She also wasn’t happy with our choose of guardians and has tried to forcibly change my mind.

In the present there are the little things, comment on how I keep house, decorate, dress, my weight, what I feed the girls ect. And bigger stuff such as when she couldn’t emotionally blackmail me into sending the girls to school she said she is going to report me to the LEA and made hints about Social Services too as i will be damaging the children psychologically.  The schooling thing is a big issue and includes lots of sly comments at inappropriate moments.

I just feel so disrespected.  She called me to ask about buying a toy for one of their birthdays, I said no I didn’t want her to have it.  But she bought it anyway.  She doesn’t respect our decisions with regards to anything, toys, food, sweets ect. I just feel so railroaded.  There are also sly comments made about our choices and how we are strange always with the insinuation that we are in the wrong, stupid and damaging the kids.  I’m sorry how can a gorgeous felted tea set damage them, apparently only in the fact it’s not a plastic tea set.  She also promises the girls things and then never delivers.  My eldest is still asking when she is going for the picnic with nana that she promised her she would do in a few weeks 2 years ago!

I feel like she is trying to control my life in a way.  She has told me I’m not allowed any more children, as she can’t cope???? I have instructions about not telling certain people who I am in relation to her and how I should treat other people based on her views.  If I won’t do what she wants she comes back saying she is so worried about whatever it is it’s stopping her sleeping and making her I’ll and it makes me feel guilty.

I guess I feel that if she wasn’t my mum, I wouldn’t really have anything to do with her.  Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can broach it sensitively, without causing an argument with a hope to improving things?  Or is it as my husband says a lost cause and just give up? At the minute I’m doing a lot of non committal mmmm’s and nodding or not responding to stop an argument but it has become a minefield to have any conversation.  I love her because she is my mum, but I hate this situation.

I’m sorry for rambling, but it feels so good to have it all out as it has been going round and round in my head for ages getting me more and more wound up without me seeing a way out.

Thanks for reading anyway and well done if you actually managed to get to the end of it all.

No advice I’m afraid, but just wanted to say that sounds like *so* much to deal with :(

Angie

It’s difficult to offer advice when you don’t know the people involved, but it sounds to me like a bit of breathing space is required. If you tell yourself that that is what it is, just some time to reflect and ground yourself, then you won’t feel guilty for not being in contact with her for a while.

Sometimes we just need some ‘time out’ of relationships. It’s hard when there is a pre-conceived idea of how a relationship is supposed to be, and yours doesn’t follow that pattern (I know!), but it is then that it becomes important to focus on what is going well for you. You might not have the wonderful extended family that you dreamed of, but you have a smaller circle that works for you, and you need to focus on that - that’s what I do anyway.

Hope this has helped a bit - I’m sending you hugs too xxx

Sounds like you have it difficult at the moment xx

I understand a little as in the past I had a lot of stuff put on me from my Dad who always turned stuff around to make it my fault for his feelings/issues/whatever and I too have had my husband telling me to just accept i’ll never have the relationship I want with him. I must say I have to some extent done this and it feels a little easier, although I think will always be some sadness that I haven’t had what I’d call a good relationship with him. Saying that you say you love your mum because she is your mum - I know what you mean and I too love my Dad. It’s just nature i think

If you can try and focus on your immediate family as they are what are important and will be with you for a long time.

Not sure if any help but just wanted you to know you are not alone in having dodgy parents!! (sorry!    )

it sounds to me like your mother can’t cope with the fact that she has lost control of your life since you’ve become your own person,this is an obstical she will probably never get over. She sounds very similar to my own mother who constantly criticises my decisions on everything, life style, deciding to home school, dress code. When ever i go to visit she makes comments on my weight and what the kids are wearing and says we belong on a hippy comune even though i don’t always dress “differantly”.Her reaction when i told her i was pregnant with my 1st was “well what are you going to do then?” so you can imagine what she was like when i told her about my 4th pregnancy.The best thing i every did was move away from near where she lived which isn’t far but the less effort I’ve made with her has somehow made her want to see me and she’s a little nicer. She still likes to make the odd comment but I’m firm with her and let her know how i feel and if she wants to carry on seeing us then she needs to be more civil or not to bother. My mother always says to me when ever i need moral support “I’ve done my time ,I’ve had my children” well i choose to always have time for my children and not think of them as a burden that i have to put up with for the rest of my life. You are not someone she can control or push around, you sound like you have a nice family unit within your own 4 walls. Why not start your extended family begining with you for your children to enjoy ,you be the loving nana to your grandchildren and you take the kids for that picnic instead. I hope this all makes sense and hopefully helped even a little. lots of love and hugs Caren xx

Thank you for all your replies. They have really helped me gain a little assurance that I’m not going crazy and have helped me gain a little perspective.  Caren, the way you are describing your own mother makes her sound very similar to mine and your advice has really helped, if even not with the relationship itself with it in my own head IYSWIM.  I do think it is all down to control, but I feel such a dissapoinment to her because I am obviously not the daughter she wants and try as I might I can’t be that and still retain myself and what is important to me.

I think getting some space may be the key.  When I lived in the Isle of Man I think we got on a lot better.  We still had one or 2 big arguments but on the whole for me I felt the relationship was easier and then when we or she visited it was like a holiday so everyone was on best behaviour.  I did feel that I had to call her about every little thing that happened in a week, this week (well since last Tues) I have started trying to move avay from this and maybe limit it to one big phone call /visit a week aside from big things and maybe that will also give me something more to talk about when we do meet rather than long awkward silances.

Thank you as well for suggesting that instead of longing for a relationship I will never have, instead focussing on having the relationship I want with my children and grandchildren.  I think that is a really good idea and a positive way of looking at things.  I am also really grateful that I have quite a good relationship with my MIL too.

Thank you all for your responses I am very grateful and they have helped me feel better about the situation.