Up until about three weeks ago I have been hugely happy, excited and mellow this pregnancy.  I would wake up and bounce out of bed pretty much.  I walked far every day and did all of my usual things but more happily.  I was excited every time I thought about meeting this baby - who *will* this person be?!!!

But these last couple of weeks.  What a difference.  I have cried every day, sometimes several times.  My body aches, I have discovered I am seriously anaemic (ferritin level at 5, Hb at 8.4) and have been so tired I can hardly get out of bed.  Then once breakfast is over, I just want to get back in and sleep. 

I am irritable and have no patience for any one or any thing. 

The baby too is breech and has been for about a month.  I feel, some what irrationally, that it has decided it doesn’t want me, so irritable and grumpy it must hear I am and has ‘turned away’ from being born.  I have tried every technique I can find, physically, to turn this baby and do them all day long, to no effect.  I used to talk the baby in my head or out loud, now I just feel desperate when I do so and it feel false anyway, like we are not connected.  It is making me feel really low.  Yet on another level I know these are all *just* my thoughts.  And I can change them.  I know I could see this as a lesson, or series of lessons:  like maybe learning how to actually rest instead of rushing around, or learning that life is fine just as it is and everything will be ok if I let it.  Only I am in this place of not seeing the lessons very often.  Just the negatives of everything.  Like being too tired to do anything (which I totally blame myself for, I truly thought with my arsenal of supplements and careful diet i would be meeting every need, but I FORGOT iron!  Which considering my history of anaemia was just stupid). Or that maybe I am just a shit mother and the baby senses this and has changed it’s mind about being born.  Which is crazy since it cannot stay inside me forever.  I am not being rational about anything.  Just emotional and crying half the time.  Or trying to sleep.

Sorry.  Just had to let it out.  I don’t remember this from any of my other pregnancies.  I am hoping that it’s all some chemical thing that my new iron regime will sort out.  My midwife said that iron depleted women are more likely to get depressed than women with adequate stores (studies show).  In a couple of weeks I should have gained a point on my Hb (tying to get it to 10 for the birth), so I am just hoping my mood lifts with it.

Thanks for listening anyway,  I know I am supposed to be marvelling in the miracle of my pregnancy, I wish I was too, especially so late when I ‘should’ have my mind pointed towards birth.

Claire

(holding you in my thoughts)  There were moments with Tali when I was lying in a pregnant heap of self-pity wailing “this baby HATES me!” (Usually down the phone to Ashleigh.) 

I can’t tell you some magic fix that helped me get over my certainty that it would be a disaster, that I’d made a mistake and it was too late to change my mind, but once I was in labour I felt happy and excited again - and I still keep expecting some huge disaster because everything is so ridiculously good and easy.  It does physically hurt when you are holding yourself to the things you want/need to feel, or *should* feel, and all there is inside is that little voice accusing you of “not good enough”. 

I think a good one to hold on to right now is “this too shall pass!”  I’m sure when your iron levels are recovering you will be able to talk rationally to yourself a little more.  And look for gentleness in how you treat yourself.  The other stuff will come, sooner, or later, it isn’t a one-off test that you pass or fail.  xxx

I’m sorry you’re having a rough time :-( .  Every pregnancy is different no matter what we do, so don’t blame yourself for having different emotions this time around!  But don’t discount the effect of low iron levels on your mood—your midwife is absolutely right that anaemia puts you at a higher risk of depression.  Perhaps you can concentrate on raising your iron levels—are you doing anything else in addition to taking the prescribed supplement?  As for the baby being breech, sometimes babies turn at the last minute, even during labour!  If you’re already doing everything you can to turn the baby, perhaps it’s time to try and take your mind off it, relax, and do some nice things for yourself….

Thank you both

I *have* been taking either floradix or spa tone all the way through, but they have not *done* anything to improve my iron status.  The nutritionist I spoke to this morning (and my midwife) both conformed that both products were great for ‘maintaing’ a current level but did not do much to shift higher a low status.  In fact my friend Heather said that she has know floradix work only once and then the mother was taking nearly 9 times recommended on the bottle, going through an entire bottle every two days!!!  Can you imagine the cost of months of use at £15 a bottle?????  Anyway, I am sick to death of the taste of that stuff.  My acupuncturist recommended Higher Nature True Food easy Iron, so it’s on it’s way (as well as the pharm one I already have). 

T=I am glad you both responded it’s good to hear what you have to say.

Off to watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang now with my dd and knit and not think about breech babies

Just popping in to say that my friend gave birth on Wednesday to a vaginally born breech baby - she is rightly feeling very pleased with herself! So, it can be done, and it doesn’t mean your baby hates you!

Angie

Exactly Angie, what makes you say the baby doesn’t want to come out just because it’s breech? Be gentle with yourself, this is a derivative of normal!

I’m strongly of the opinion that babies lie the way they do for a reason and yes, you can turn some, but for others it isn’t possible and it’s important to accept that and know that the baby really does know best and it’s not that way because it doesn’t want to come out, but maybe because of where the placenta is sited or because of any number of things, shape of the uterus etc…all of which are normal and natural and the baby is working with it. The baby may also still turn, but you mustn’t feel that it is because of you.

I do understand though that all these things, along with the low iron levels aren’t making you feel at ease or happy and along with hormones and tiredness and the low level of iron exacerbating it all, right now it feels like it’s all against you.

Are you doing an IM or NHS homebirth mw? What have they said about you birthing your breech baby at home?

I’m sorry you’re feeling so down at a time when you think you should be feeling peaceful, but you will feel at peace with it when you stop feeling that it’s you and accept it is what it is and that nature is giving you this curve ball to play with.

Hugs x

Spatone can be prescribed

Claire, you have done so so well to have had such a wonderful energetic pregnancy so far. I was told that my iron levels were really good and yet I was oh so tired and grumpy and I think when you are feeling tired everything is hard work and doesn’t seem to be right.

Giles was breech and I was sent for a scan very last minute. The consultant, a very lovely and experienced one took one look at my tummy and said he was breech and when she scanned him he wasn’t. I new he wasn’t because I felt him turn a couple of days before on the way to play school but also couldn’t understand the body parts sticking out because he really did look breech. I decided nothing I was going to do would turn him so didn’t bother.

Hugs

Listen- part of the problem is the ‘shoulds’ you sound like you’re putting on yourself. If you’re *not* feeling a certain way, who says you ‘should’ be? Let go of that claire- it will only add to your frustration and tiredness right now. Its important to take it a day at a time- physically you’re having a really tough time so its no wonder you’re suffereing emotionally- the two are not separate. With regards to little one being bum down- you’ve got weeks to go- she has plenty of time (and space) to move. Try not to let that override your thoughts just yet- you have enough to be contending with. Just be gentle with yourself right now- pregnancy, in all its glory, is tough on the best of us. I don’t believe for a minute that everyone has sheer delight every single day during pregnancy. We might marvel at the life growing within us, yes, but it doesn’t mean its easy on our bodies or our souls. Thinking of you- you know where I am if you need to offload. X

Sending turny vibes and iron-improving thoughts. What everyone else has already said: every pregnancy is different, and you’ve done *amazingly* so far - your knitting, child-wrangling and general walking-about-the-place-despite-hugeness is inspirational. I know it’s really hard to do, but just try to be easy on yourself - the baby already loves you to bits, and will continue to do so once he/she is earthside. :o)