Up until about three weeks ago I have been hugely happy, excited and mellow this pregnancy. I would wake up and bounce out of bed pretty much. I walked far every day and did all of my usual things but more happily. I was excited every time I thought about meeting this baby - who *will* this person be?!!!
But these last couple of weeks. What a difference. I have cried every day, sometimes several times. My body aches, I have discovered I am seriously anaemic (ferritin level at 5, Hb at 8.4) and have been so tired I can hardly get out of bed. Then once breakfast is over, I just want to get back in and sleep.
I am irritable and have no patience for any one or any thing.
The baby too is breech and has been for about a month. I feel, some what irrationally, that it has decided it doesn’t want me, so irritable and grumpy it must hear I am and has ‘turned away’ from being born. I have tried every technique I can find, physically, to turn this baby and do them all day long, to no effect. I used to talk the baby in my head or out loud, now I just feel desperate when I do so and it feel false anyway, like we are not connected. It is making me feel really low. Yet on another level I know these are all *just* my thoughts. And I can change them. I know I could see this as a lesson, or series of lessons: like maybe learning how to actually rest instead of rushing around, or learning that life is fine just as it is and everything will be ok if I let it. Only I am in this place of not seeing the lessons very often. Just the negatives of everything. Like being too tired to do anything (which I totally blame myself for, I truly thought with my arsenal of supplements and careful diet i would be meeting every need, but I FORGOT iron! Which considering my history of anaemia was just stupid). Or that maybe I am just a shit mother and the baby senses this and has changed it’s mind about being born. Which is crazy since it cannot stay inside me forever. I am not being rational about anything. Just emotional and crying half the time. Or trying to sleep.
Sorry. Just had to let it out. I don’t remember this from any of my other pregnancies. I am hoping that it’s all some chemical thing that my new iron regime will sort out. My midwife said that iron depleted women are more likely to get depressed than women with adequate stores (studies show). In a couple of weeks I should have gained a point on my Hb (tying to get it to 10 for the birth), so I am just hoping my mood lifts with it.
Thanks for listening anyway, I know I am supposed to be marvelling in the miracle of my pregnancy, I wish I was too, especially so late when I ‘should’ have my mind pointed towards birth.