Dh and I are going through a rough patch at the minute. All we seem to do is argue. I feel that we’re pulling in different directions and wanting different things out of life. He still resents the fact that he isn’t single, we are broke and he can’t go out and party whenever he feels like it. His friends are all single and childless so have the funds and the time to go out and do lots of exciting things.
We home ed our 3 girls, I don’t drive and couldn’t afford to learn, and most of the groups around here are in rural locations that I just can’t get to on public transport, so I feel very isolated most of the time.
Most of our arguements stem from lack of money, mostly as dh feels hard done by - that he works hard all week yet doesn’t see any of the money ( that it pays for the house, our bills and the food that we all benefit from?!?)
I’m very stressed out and run down, I’ve had a cold for the last 3 weeks, and am feeling worse. My excema is playing up and I’m really down. I can see the effects of our constant rowing beginning to take effect on the girls too. Dh has no time for them, is very bad tempered with them - swearing at them if they do the slightest thing wrong. If I tell him to be nice to them he says ‘well, they’re mean to me’ - um, I thought he was meant to be the grown up;-)
I don’t know what to do, I can’t keep living like this, but I really don’t want to give in and split up without trying. DD3 is 8 months, so I’m still pretty exhausted from baby looking after, and by the time evening comes all I really want to do is go to bed - but apparently this makes me boring :-(
Sorry for the rant, I’m just stuck right now and need to do something!!!!!
x
Anything that I say will be easily said not easily done, I know that but I truly belive that problems are only solved through communication. Telling the forum followers about it is a good first step as you’ve got it ‘out there’, so talk to your partner. I understand it’s probably not what he’ll want to do but it’s necessary - in my opinion - to get yourselves over this hurdle. Lots of people go through this and regardless of the outcome of your dialogue, something’ll change, which is what you’re after. Just sit down, be calm and rational so he can’t use the hysterical woman card and explain your feelings. Give him his reply space and time and make a decision from there. It’s a start. Good luck, keep your pecker up, old girl! Love and support vibes coming your way! x
He needs to grow up. He has 3 children and wife… was it a shotgun wedding? Did you sneakily get pregnant 3 times?????
I notice you write “..... I don’t want to give in and split up without trying.” Does this mean your DH has suggested this already? If he has then it kinda sounds like he’s given up and does take two to make a relationship work. Money worries are horrible and I do understand his peevishness at the lack of money. I use to feel the same when I was living with myhsuband and despite us both earning good salaries we never had any money left over after paying bills, food and travel to work. And then my ex (Rye’s dad) was the same too, he earned a good wage but everything went on a house he really shouldn’t have been given a mortage for and lots of loans, bills etc so he has nothing at the end - can’t even give me anything toward Rye.
It really does sound like you guys would benefit from some counselling and maybe going to CAB or even your bank and asking if they can look at your finances and see if there’s anyway to ease the burdens a little (without taking out loans of course - that was my mistake with my husband -being suckered into consolidation loans that were never the solution they first appear).
Speaking to the girls in such a manner is really not on - you’re right he is the grown up and his response is incredibly childish and moronic. Could you prehaps email him and write something along the lines that you’re concerned abourt his relationship with his daughters, worried about the effect the rowing has on them and what does he suggest to improve the situation? No blaming etc.. maintain a reasonable tone and try also to put yoruself in his shoes. The last thing you want to do I know.. but it might help you to feel a little more empathatic toward him rather than resentful so comments he makes that I suspect, in part, are childish reflections of his unhappiness and frustration don’t irritate you so much. And remember, men really, really are shite at expressing themselves and it take patience and some gentle coaxing to get them communicating.
Sorry to hear you are having a rough time Polly, I would agree that communication is the key to sorting things out even if it is the most difficult option sometimes. Get it all straight in your head first and if it feels too daunting, write it down in a letter and then give him some time to read and digest it. Having a go at the girls is less than ideal and they will feel it, maybe it just needs explaining in really basic terms as maybe he is stressed and doesn’t realise what he is doing?
I hope you can sort things out quickly as the run up to Christmas is stressful even when you are not directly involved in the running about and manicness it is difficult to avoid sometimes.
Good luck, sending love and best wishes your way.
sarie
He needs to grow up. He has 3 children and wife… was it a shotgun wedding? Did you sneakily get pregnant 3 times?????
He has suggested in the past I ‘got myself’ pregnant with dd1.
When we got together, I’d just come out of an abusive relationship, was alcoholic, anorexic and had just taken an overdose. He was the only person who I could turn to at that time. We had a very intense 6 months - got together beginning of March, I moved in with him in april, we eloped in the august, spent 2 weeks convincing people we HADN’T got married because I was pregnant only to discover that actually I was. As I said I was anorexic, had been hospitalised for it, I’d had no periods for 3 years, the doctors had told me it was likely I wouldn’t be able to concieve. And yes we weren’t using contraception but that was a mutual decision.
We were 21 at hte time, and after finding out I was pregnant dh was devastated - he literally spent a couple of weeks in tears - that he felt he was too young and didn’t want to be tied down. I offered him the chance to walk away then, but he chose to stay (mainly I think because he was worried about what others would say). i
Joxy - 04 December 2009 07:59 PM
I notice you write “..... I don’t want to give in and split up without trying.” Does this mean your DH has suggested this already? If he has then it kinda sounds like he’s given up and does take two to make a relationship work.
He asked me yesterday if I wanted him to move out, and said he couldn’t live here anymore as everyone makes him angry. I told hime that while I didn’t want him to move out I also couldn’t keep living like this.
We’ve been here before, but not quite so bad. he’ll be fine for a while, then suddenly he’ll seeem to start resenting having a family again. He just wants to be out on the town enjoying himself. I love him very much, but I can’t live my life being so unhappy. Whenever I try to talk to him he just tells me I’m having a go again, even if I’m calm and not shouting. He’ll clam up and not listen.
We’ve had a much nicer day today as he’s been at work :-( It makes me feel terrible to say that but it’s true.
Oh, Pollyfungle, it sounds like you’re being really strong. I can’t seem to think of anything to say to help, other than I’ve read this and am thinking of you. Stay strong.
w.w.
He really needs to grow up. He can’t go out on the town anymore, end of. Even if you two do split up, he still has the responsibility, emotional and financial of two daughters. So really it’s a giant waste of breath for him to keep running in these circles, because he has jointly created three new lives and they, and you, are his priority now. He can fight against it all he wants, but that’s the way it is, and the sooner he accepts that, the happier he will be.
My OH has tried this on once or twice, but it was easier snapping him out of it because we don’t live together, but I fully anticipate this being a huge source of trouble for us in a year or two. Funny how sometimes men just can’t grow up when they most have to, isn’t it?
He’s also blaming you for his current unhappiness, that’s so unfair. i think he probably knows how unfair that is, and it makes him worse.
I think maybe he needs to…. sorry this is going to sound cheesy…rediscover the joy in having a family…
Sometimes i get a bit itchy beneath the saddle re: not being able to do some things other kids of my age do. You know, it’s been a long day and three of my friends text me asking me to come out, and I can’t. But when I slow down and stop subconciously competing, I realise that I’m actually happy enough making seed cookies and chasing the dog around the field.
However if this is going to be a long term thing, him wising up, and it’s affecting the girls, you might be sensible in asking him to go and live at his mum’s for a week until he gets his head together. Not splitting, just..resting. Not appreciating what you’ve got til it’s gone and all that.
I think maybe he needs to…. sorry this is going to sound cheesy…rediscover the joy in having a family…
I agree feathers, I’ve told him that rather than wanting what he doesn’t have, he should be grateful for what he does have. I know a couple of his friends have told him they’re jealous of him for having a family. He’s not satisfied by the day to day life of a family, if we’ve been out somewhere or done something special then he’s not so bad, but just day to day plodding about, playing games in the house, going for a walk etc just don’t interest him.
It seems to be a phase thing - we’ll have months at a time when he is happy being a family man, but then the longing for something else sets in and we’re back to this again. I’ve had 7 years of it, and I’m really wondering this time why am I bothering?? If things haven’t changed in 7 years are they likely to anytime soon?
I don’t have anyone I can go stay with, my mum has a tiny one bed house - no good for me and 3 littlies, I couldn’t cope with my stepmum for more than a day, I’d feel uncomfortable at dh’s folks, my brothers in California and my sisters in kent and I can’t even afford the train fare there! I’ve thought about asking him to stay on a friends sofa for a week or so, but know he’d take it terrible - not just see it as a chance for a break and a think for both of us
Sometimes i get a bit itchy beneath the saddle re: not being able to do some things other kids of my age do. You know, it’s been a long day and three of my friends text me asking me to come out, and I can’t. But when I slow down and stop subconciously competing, I realise that I’m actually happy enough making seed cookies and chasing the dog around the field.
Me too, I haven’t been out since dd2 was 4 months old (she’s 3 now), occasionally I look at my friends who are the same age but with no children, see them out every weekend, having fun and wish I could be too. But on the whole I am happy with my life - I enjoy being home with the girls, enjoying them whilst they are small.
10pm - he’ll be home any minute - can’t say I’m looking forward to it :-(
Maybe try asking Dh what he wants from life ? He seems to have issues about not knowing what he wants.
Maybe you could both sit down and talk about what you want from life . Maybe its that you both essentially want the same things , A happy loving family life with a bit of time to yourself and the occasional night out?
It sounds as though your dh wants to be able to go out but perhaps feels guilty for blowing finances on a drinking session and then takes it out on you and the girls? ( Which isn’t acceptable but might explain his behaviour )Maybe if you arranged so that you both get to go out once in a while he wouldn’t feel so guilty and would also get to spend time on his own with the girls and not feel quite so resentful?
Failing that maybe just try giving him a hug and telling him that you still love him ( that sounds really crap doesn’t it? I think that sometimes though , for me anyway, when you go through a bad patch its easy enough to just feel resentful and bitter all the time , and once someone breaks the ice so to speak it sort of helps )
Sorry is that any help? Or just very preachy?
Hope you manage to work something out and well done for having the courage to post.
((( hugs )))))
Failing that maybe just try giving him a hug and telling him that you still love him ( that sounds really crap doesn’t it? I think that sometimes though , for me anyway, when you go through a bad patch its easy enough to just feel resentful and bitter all the time , and once someone breaks the ice so to speak it sort of helps )
not preacy hun. I think I do need to make a bit more effort, I’m so busy looking after the girls 24/7, that it’s easy to forget to make him feel important!! He said the other day that no one needs him.
We had a hug (and some ) last night when he got home from work, and he got up this morning and so far hasn’t shouted!!!!
He goes out once a week to play poker at a friends house, once a month he works on the door at a club for a friend for a couple of hours, he gets paid in beer so he stays out after and parties. I know that’s not enough fo him tho.
well the good mood didn’t last long, stormed off to work in a huff because I’ve only got enough cash to pay for the girls drama lesson today then I’m out till Monday. And he’s blown the money I’d budgetted for his christmas shopping on god knows what - looks like santa won’t be visiting me!!!
Told him I’m not that bothered abou the presents or lack of, as long as the girls have stuff that’s all that matters. Still he’s bad tempered again as we have no money :-( ho hum
I agree with whoever said to have a frank talk about what you both want from life. What are his dreams, what are yours? Myself and DH have also been having a bad patch and I felt we just werent going in the same direction, and like you have money worries (dont we all!!). We realised that we are both different, but we also realised with a lot of give and take, we can move together in the same direction.
Sometimes just talking it through, and having someone really listen and understand, is enough, even if day to day life stays the same. Is it just nights out or lack of that bother him? It sounds to me like he’s grieving a ‘lost’ youth. What exactly does he feel he’s missed out on? I know others are saying he needs to grow up etc, but I think his feelings do matter, and the feelings about maybe feeling envious of his friends, are quite natural.
The responsibilty of his 3 children will be there regardless of whether you stay together. I agree that if things feel really bad then maybe some time apart would help. Just give you space to evaluate everything.
Thinking of you Polly, with the added weight at this time of year theres always something that needs time, effort, money and maybe he doesn’t realise just how bad things are? I hope you can sit and talk it through at least for your sanity and most importantly the girls happiness
Don’t you wish you had a magic wand sometimes?
sarie
. Is it just nights out or lack of that bother him? It sounds to me like he’s grieving a ‘lost’ youth. What exactly does he feel he’s missed out on? I know others are saying he needs to grow up etc, but I think his feelings do matter, and the feelings about maybe feeling envious of his friends, are quite natural.
I think he is grieving a lost youth. He was a big party animal before we met, as I was cleaning myself up I made it clear then that I wasn’t interested in returning to my wild ways, and that if he didn’t want that then we should split up. He was alright for a while, when I was pregnant with dd1 and when she was tiny. he’d go round to a friends house for a drink and smoke a couple of evenings a week and seemed content with that. We moved across here to North Wales when dd1 was 1, and he made new friends with people who were single and childless and were out drinking and getting high all the time. THings were pretty bad after that until I was pregnant with dd2, then he did seem again to settle down and be happy at home with us with just the occasional night out. ANd again, after a while he went back to going out all the time.
He wants the best of both worlds - family when he wants it, yet to be able to go out whenever he feels like it too.
) last night when he got home from work, and he got up this morning and so far hasn’t shouted!!!!