By Lucy Corkhill
18th October 2012
One Couple’s Experience of the Adoption Process
THE BEGINNING
We moved from our home aboard a 1920s cruising yacht in order to start the process. The agency wanted to see that there was a spare bedroom and plenty of room for a little one to grow up in. Initially, we talked about adopting siblings as these are some of the ‘hardest to place’ children in the UK. In the end, we decided to start with adopting one child and then add to our family in the future. In September 2011, we went along to an introductory meeting to be told about what to expect and the needs and backgrounds of children needing adoption in our county. In November, we were visited at home by two social workers who assessed our house and asked us lots of questions about our application. It felt like a long wait until January 2012 when we started our adoption workshops. There were eight couples on the workshops, four of whom had been unable to start their own families, and four of whom already had children but wanted to add to their families through adoption. In the first day of the workshops we covered loss – for the people coming to parenthood through adoption and the children they will adopt. It was an emotional day. In the following days we learnt about adoption today. Up until thirty years ago, adoption was focused on the needs of the adoptive parents and the idea was that matching illegitimate children with childless adults was an instant recipe for success. Closed adoptions were the norm and many adopted children didn’t find out about their adoptions until they were adults, if at all. This kind of set up left some deep scars for all concerned, but particularly for children trying to make a sense of their identity.
FINDING OUT ABOUT ADOPTION TODAY
In the 1970s, with the backing of extensive research on adults who had been adopted, children’s rights campaigners began to ask for reform. These days, adoption is child-focused rather than adoptive parent-focused. Very few children are ‘given up’ for adoption and most are taken away because of difficulties in their birth families ranging from drug and alcohol problems, to neglect, abuse and chaotic living situations. These little people have often witnessed more in their short lives than most of us have to experience in a lifetime. Their health and development may well be compromised by their early life and they often experience social difficulties, such as making attachments and trusting adults. These are challenges that can last a lifetime and an adoptive family needs to be able to offer a secure, loving, safe and nurturing space for these children to begin to understand their past and move forward in to a positive future. On our workshops, the social workers talked often about adoption requiring “not just parenting, but parenting plus”. Contact with birth families is actively encouraged through safe mediums such as ‘letterbox’ (writing an annual letter which is directed through the adoption agency) in order for adoptive children to forge their own identity as they grow up, and enabling them to begin to make a sense of their history and who they are.
THE HOME STUDY
It was an interesting and tiring few days, and we all came away more determined than ever to adopt a child in need of a loving family. We also made friends that we have grown ever closer to in our respective journeys. In March 2012, we began our home study. A social worker came to our house about once a week for a little over twelve weeks. We talked about everything; our family history, our relationships, our backgrounds, our beliefs, our challenges and our hopes. There is no stone left unturned and for people who have spent most of their life avoiding intrusion from ‘authority’ it was an interesting process to say the least! CRB and medical checks need to be completed, financial statements handed in, a ‘chronology’ of what we were doing for every year of our lives to date, interviews of family and friends conducted. This all adds up to a very long and detailed form (ours was 50 pages!) which gets sent off to 12-15 independent advisors on an adoption panel.
We were lucky to be matched with a wonderful social worker who became a friend. The whole process, whilst at times emotional and often exhausting, was actually an extraordinary opportunity to reflect deeply on ourselves in preparation for parenthood. A friend of mine whose pregnancy was running in parallel to our adoption said she wished she’d had the same opportunity to question and analyse herself and her partner! Home study definitely makes you stronger as a couple, more aware and reflective, and gentler with one another. When one of us was flagging, the other was able to lift the mood, and vice versa.
OUR ADOPTION PANEL DAY
Our adoption panel day was 11th July. We entered a room of 12 people, all involved in adoption or fostering either personally or professionally. In front of each of them was our huge form, so they knew pretty much everything there was to know about us! They asked us questions about our capabilities as parents, our families, our views on education and how we would manage potential challenges our adoptive child might have, along with other questions about lifestyle etc. At the end of the panel, we were invited to go to a waiting room whilst our social worker answered some more questions about us. Then they came in to the room and told us that their recommendation was…..APPROVAL!! We were so delighted, as now we could get on with focusing on our little boy.
OUR LITTLE BOY
In June, our social worker had told us about a six month old baby living with foster carers. Though her description and information was brief, we fell in love with him immediately. After speaking to her, I asked my Goddess cards for some guidance and the card I drew? – Isis, Goddess of Mothering. In the months following the panel, we met his foster carer and were given photos of him to look at. We fell deeper in love. On 10th October – our 12 year anniversary – my husband and I went before a ‘matching panel’ to be approved as adoptive parents to our son. More paperwork had been submitted on why we were the right match, and we’d written a lot for that but we were still nervous – so much hung on it going well! When they came into the waiting room after the panel and shook our hands to congratulate us, we both burst into tears!
MEETING HIM FOR THE FIRST TIME
A flurried week of preparing his room, buying second-hand stuff and borrowing from friends, we prepared to meet him for the first time. After an ‘introductions planning meeting’ with all his and our social workers and the foster carers (which lasted an interminable two hours!) we followed the foster carer back to her house. I can’t really put into words the magic of seeing him for the first time, but it blew us both away. There he was, with his own unique and wonderful little personality, full of mischief and smiles and laughter. We spent an hour with him and I was blessed with several cuddles and some kisses, whilst my husband’s beard proved incredibly interesting for little fingers to tug at! We will be building up the time we get to know him over the coming weeks at his foster carers and then, before too long, we will bring him home. It has truly been the most awesome adventure, and it’s only just begun…
