By Lucy Corkhill
03rd July 2013
I have to admit I haven’t read the book, but I was fascinated by the media interest in the “Top Five Regrets of the Dying”. The “Five Regrets” seemed to resonate with people, and Ware ended up turning the idea into a book in response to the media interest.
We all hope it will be Edith Piaf’s Je Ne Regrette Rien that we’ll be humming in our final hours. For me, this involves having lived a full, fulfilling and happy life. But the truth is, we don’t know when our number’s up, and if there’s one thought to scare the pants off me – and to goad me into action – it’s this: “what would you do if you had just a week to live?” People who have survived life-threatening illnesses or near-fatal accidents often report feelings of liberation – they finally feel free to live the life they dream of. Running in parallel to this is, of course, the notion that most of us live the life that is expected of us and behave in the ways we assume are expected of us. Back in 50 BC, Cicero was reminding us that “Man is his own worst enemy”. If we could free ourselves from our own and others’ expectations (perceived and real), what life would we create for ourselves and our families?
Reading the five regrets, it occurred to me that cultivating a practice of mindfulness in life would enable us to avoid – or at least diminish – them. Aiming to take our life moment by moment, to enjoy the good things and to let go of that which doesn’t serve us would help. And, as Joseph Campbell so wisely put it; “Follow Your Bliss”. The fifth and final regret is “I wish I had let myself be happier”. Not “I wish I had been happier”, but “I wish I had let myself be happier”. This resonated for me because I know that the potential for experiencing happiness in my everyday life is in my hands, but it’s often very easy to forget this fact! As Gretchen Rubin writes in her book The Happiness Project:
“…people have an inborn disposition {to happiness} that’s set within a certain range, but they can boost themselves to the top of their happiness range by their actions….It seems obvious that some people are naturally more ebullient or melancholic than others and that, at the same time, people’s decisions about how to live their lives also affect their happiness.”
As Ware comments on her blog, people facing their final days and hours have a huge amount to teach us. It’s the wisdom of someone who’s been there, facing the reality that will come to us all. By sharing it, Ware is offering us all the chance to live a life that’s a little richer, warmer, more loving, giving and happy. And, perhaps most importantly, more true to our dreams.
The Top Five Regrets
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
“This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.”
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
“This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.”
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
“Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.”
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
“This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”
What to read:
Bronnie Ware, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing
Marie de Hennezel, Seize the Day: How the dying teach us to live
Philip Gould, When I Die: Lessons from the Death Zone
Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun
