What beings with a little alarm from our internal warning system can quickly snowball and manifest itself in a variety of complex, and often counter-productive ways. I can’t pretend to be an expert on the complexities of the human psyche, but I am sharing my own experienced of manifestations of guilt when it isn’t fully processed.
When I was 19, I fell in love with a boy I had met by chance on an internet forum. It was, and remains, the most powerful connection (save for my wonderful children) that I have ever experienced and could ever hope to again. The only problem was, I was already in a relationship and this boy lived hundreds of miles away. My existing relationship was with another very nice boy who, I felt, had been there for me through some difficult times. I relied on him in some unhealthy ways to prop up my own flagging sense of self worth and he doted on me. I was, selfishly, scared to break his heart. I say selfishly, because I was working on the assumption that he might never get over it. He had pursued me throughout my teenage years and had had me on a bit of a pedestal. So, I struggled. I cared a lot about him and instead of being straight with him, I spent the better part of a year leading a bit of a double life; staying with him but loving and being emotionally involved with some-one else. Inevitably, things came to an end when I found the courage to leave him and begin a proper relationship with the person I truly wanted to be with. That was 7 years ago now and I now have two beautiful children with that boy I met on the internet.
But, I carried that guilt around until fairly recently. Not long after I left him I began to experience symptoms of anxiety: Panic attacks; palpitations; feelings of dread. The guilt had begun to manifest itself as health anxiety, with me focussing on myself obsessively and worrying daily about a variety of different health related problems. I was a wreck. Meanwhile, my ex had taken up a new relationship with drugs and in my guilt I was loaning him large sums of money on my measly student budget whilst he squandered his 18k salary on drugs and spiralling debts. And even once he recovered from this temporary blip, our mutual friends slowly stopped inviting me to social gatherings, because I was the one who had moved on and my ex was the one left behind. They meant well, trying to protect the feelings of the injured party, but I spent the best part of the following year alone in a student bedroom slowly driving myself mad with guilt, dread, anxiety and a spiralling sense of self esteem. My partner, unfortunately, still lived miles away at his own university and our meet-ups were short and infrequent. Until I snapped, walked away from my degree course and went to live with him. And although I managed to complete the course from afar, I still spent years in a state of near constant dread and anxiety. It was ruining my life and if it hadn’t been for the strength and love of my partner, I would likely have spiralled into the depths of a deep depression.
The guilt over-shadowed everything, every happy occasion I became convinced would be “balanced” by disaster. I couldn’t allow myself to be happy. It wasn’t until I visited a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist that I realised my feelings of anxiety were tied into feelings of worthlessness. I didn’t deserve to be happy. I was bad, I was worthless and everyone knew it. Or so I thought. But a little work on my behaviours saw a dramatic improvement in my anxiety. But it was always there, waiting, ready to pounce whenever life got a little bit stressful.
It wasn’t until some years later, after a lot of soul searching and a whole lot more dedication to taking care of myself, that I realised why I felt so worthless. The feelings of guilt, despite causing me tremendous pain for 6 long years, hadn’t really been obvious. The immediate feelings we associate with guilt had gradually faded away and were, instead, replaced by the physical manifestations of failing to effectively process and let go of that guilt.
I started to remember things. I started to see things differently. Like the year he spent hanging around with someone who repeatedly suggested taking him out to meet new girls, both in front of me and privately, and revelling in the fact. And the fact that I had gained 5 stone over the course of our relationship and my self esteem had spiralled dramatically. I remembered loaning him all that money as he indulged his damaged ego and him thinking nothing of taking it from me. I remember him listening to me cry down the phone because our friends weren’t interested in me anymore, to be met with an impatient sigh. I realised that I had made a mistake, that I was young and that I had done what I had with the best of intentions. I realised that he wasn’t the injured party, that there were obvious problems in the relationship from the beginning and whilst I take full responsibility for the dishonesty, I also realised that I could forgive myself. Not because he wasn’t the nice and blameless person I’d always thought he was, but because I wasn’t a bad person. I was just a person, very young and very inexperienced who had gotten herself into a bad situation and the consequences were simply unfortunate.
So, I forgave myself. I let go of the guilt.
And since then, I’ve been anxiety free. My self-image is much improved and I was able to focus on my health and get down to a healthy weight. Suddenly, I deserved to be happy. I deserved to be healthy. My confidence soared and I was able to be my true self, a better partner and a better mother.
All of the guilt, the blame and the misery had achieved nothing. Instead of letting it go with an apology, an explanation and moving on, I clung to the guilt as I watched my ex descend into a dark place and as my friends walked away and I didn’t let it go. And none of it was worth it.
We all make mistakes. We can’t hope to be perfect and we’d have nothing to teach our children about the world if we were, better yet we allow our children to be imperfect humans when we accept that the same is true of all people – ourselves included. I regret what happened and if I could go back and change things, I still would. But I would sooner change the years wasted, lost in the guilt. Precious years I will never get back.
