By Lucy Corkhill
30th July 2013
Gardening is such a rewarding activity when a little seedling you have grown from seed, nurtured and watered, becomes a big voracious plant.
When I look out the window and see a big overgrown mess, it makes me feel stressed. Even a little tweaking here and there – some weeding, dead-heading etc. – helps me keep on track. Tackling some of the more overgrown areas the other day, I began musing on how similar gardening is to nurturing your family. It’s easy to ignore areas of tangled weeds, dark areas you don’t fancy tackling right now, but after a while you notice that it’s these weeds that are drowning out the light for the little seedlings. So I wrote out a ‘Love Garden’ manifesto for myself, to remind me to nurture and tend to my family in much the same way nurturing my garden helps me feel calm, positive and connected to the earth.
Plant the seeds of love
Your children are the pure manifestation of love. Within each of them, there is the potential to grow into adults who retain the inner love, trust and beauty of childhood. With the right environment and attention, that tiny being cradled in their mother’s arms grows strong and healthy, wise and loving.
Shower with affection
According to family therapist, Virginia Satir, we need 4 hugs a day for survival, 8 for maintenance and 12 for growth. Hugs that last over 20 seconds release endorphins, lowering blood pressure and stress hormones. To really help your seedlings grow, you need to shower them with hugs and kisses, hand-holding, hair-stroking and affection. I read once in a parenting book that when you feel your blood boiling, you should do the opposite of what your body feels like doing, e.g. if you feel like raising your voice or throwing something, instead go for a hug, or a cuddle on the sofa with a drink and a snack. Your little seedlings will flourish with maximum love and attention.
Clear out the tangled weeds
You know that there are areas that tackling. Those tangled, overgrown areas of negativity or stress that have roots leading to deeper issues. You start tugging at the weeds and discover that deeper emotions get stirred. Tackle each weed individually rather than trying for a major overnight clear-out. Be gentle and kind with yourself, and take it at a pace that feels comfortable, reaching out for tools as you need them. For instance, my weedy, dark area is anger and how quickly my temper flares. When I start tackling this area, it triggers other feelings. One tool I have been exploring using is NVC – Non Violent Communication. It’s helping me see where my anger comes from, and how I can express myself clearly without resorting to losing my temper.
Nurture weak seedlings
Some seedlings fail to thrive. There are times when they seem weaker, more fragile, than the others. They need special attention; the equivalent of being moved to a warm greenhouse and tenderly nourished.
Plant out when strong
Eventually, the seedlings are strong enough to make it in the big wide world. This is when you begin to grant them independence, to let them experience life outside the safety and warmth of the greenhouse. They begin to put down roots, creating identities unique to them. You keep an eye on them, make sure that they’re still getting ample affection and providing support where it’s needed. You know that if you leave them to it, they can become smothered by weeds and get weak. They will naturally strive towards the light with your love and attention.
Enjoy harvest time
Though it isn’t the reason we parent with love and affection, the rewards of having that affection returned are enormous. When we get given a kiss or a cuddle, when we see our child flourishing outside of the family circle, when we suddenly recognise that amazing light in our child’s eyes.
Remember to stand back and admire your beautiful garden
All too often, we get caught up in the minutiae of our garden, fretting about the new seedlings and worrying about the weeds. So, it helps to step back now and again and witness the growth of your beautiful family – to notice how much your little ones have grown, to take stock of their unique wonderfulness. All the colours of their personalities, all the incredible beauty of their beings.
Enjoy your garden!
