By The Green Parent
23rd October 2018
Truth be told, I did not enjoy my maternity leave days. It wasn’t because I didn’t adore the little bundle. He was a very wanted baby. I enjoyed my pregnancy and I look back at the moment of birth with great fondness.
It’s just… living with a newborn is trying. Whilst friends seemed to have babies that lay around like Persian cats whilst they swanned about doing house work and such, life with my boy was like house sharing with Mr Animator.
The constant need for attention, the unbridled physicality, the addiction to boob. I spent 6 moths mothering what was basically a mini Russell Brand.
Some days, I watched the clock waiting for my husband to return. I don’t think saying that makes me a bad mother. It’s just spoken by a woman who was tired of being milked, pulled at and, through accident or intent, occasionally kicked in the throat by a tiny foot.
Looking for Help
Obviously, me learning the ropes as a new mum and having no immediate family around to take the minion did not help matters. So, when I found myself looking for childcare at 6am after another long night with a grizzly baby, I knew it was time wee boy started spending time in professional hands.
Of course, I was nervous, but I still remember the giddy delight of having my 2-3 ‘stolen’ hours all to myself since baby. Sipping a supermarket coffee next to the minder’s house I awaited a crisis call and tried to relax to a ticking clock.
By the time the pre-arranged return to work date came along, baby boy was doing great in care and I was very ready to wear a non-nursing top. Sitting on my bottom in an office nibbling sugary crumbs (and, ahem, working) seemed nothing short of recreation. Best of all, it was paid! Basically, returning to work seemed like a chance to finally relax.
You know how some relationships get better with a bit of distance? Well, that was me and my son. Those eight or so hours in the day gave me back my separate, personal identity of my own and made me think of how I would spend the weekends with my son in the most joyful way. I had always loved my son, but having quality time with him made me actually enjoy him.
I knew it! I could never be a stay at home mum.
Fast-forward six months in our story. I am sitting on a numb behind, staring blankly at a screen, browsing baby wear sales. It’s 9.30 am. Said behind has widened substantially in the months of using it as a cushion. I stuff a cereal bar bleakly into my mouth and rub my tired, nursery-run eyes.
Facing Challenges
When I went back to work, I knew that things would be different and I was ready for a challenge. I just didn’t think the challenge would be sitting on my bottom for eight hours a day, feigning interest in system integrated user testing.
I thought the details of my daily grind didn’t matter as long as there was good pay, a nice office, cheery colleagues and work that nicely toed the delicate line between stressful and dull. Having a child makes you re-evaluate. Suddenly, I realized a take out coffee and ability to wear a neat outfit counted for peanuts in contrast to that other precious commodity: time.
Just like that, I realized that what I did with my time mattered. It really mattered. I didn’t like what I was doing, I did feel exhausted from being bled dry by nursery fees and commotion and I did feel ready for it all to end.
I quit my job.
Full-Time Motherhood
Yes, I wobbled for a while before the notice was signed. How would we live on half the household income? What would I do if I returned to work again? Could I really cope with the demands of being a full-time mother? The sandcastle of the old ways was being slowly washed away by the sea of change and I had yet to figure out what to do with all the wet sand left behind.
Going back to maternity leave after life ‘resumes’ after baby isn’t something people talk about much. Society gives us 12 months to get motherhood out of our systems before BAM!, the working world waits for you. This system misses a trick. For me, personally, motherhood only started getting enjoyable after my son reached a year. From being an adorable but exhausting bundle or needs and moods, he turned into a wee man that I could actually play with, cuddle and build a budding relationship.
Seeing my toddler stumbling about, imitating my actions, babbling away with endless baby stories made my heart melt. It made me realize that whilst his physical needs were not as acute as in the early days, his emotional needs had never been higher. I wanted to have the chance to teach my son about the power of trust, love and connection. I wanted those lessons to come from me. I realized that a moment has come when we could both benefit from experiencing this world together.
All the good reasons for a two-income household: the financial stability, the ‘keeping my foot in the career door’, the question of my identity… they just melted away. Being with my son made me happy and we would never have this time with him being so small again. It was now or never.
Motherhood, maternity: these are evolving, changing processes in our lives that will not be tied to a government deadline stipulation. Mothering and, indeed, fathering our children fits into a complex network in our lives. You don’t get 12 moths to be a mother. If you are lucky, you get your whole life and, in that life, you are going to live through many evolutions of motherhood that may or may not involve being the sole caretaker of your child.
My maternity leave ended when my child was six months and started again when he was one. I hope I did what was right for my son. More importantly, I honoured what was right for me.
Victoria lives in Glasgow with her calm husband and animated toddler. She is passionate about childbirth and childcare and works as a doula and birth mentor at birthbabyconfidence.com. Find on Facebook at www.facebook.com/birthbabyconfidence
