By The Green Parent
08th February 2021
Going the extra mile means everything with a new baby in the mix. As life with a little one begins, parents often find themselves sleep deprived, overwhelmed with a list of to-dos as long as their arm and the feeling that there’s never enough time in the day to do it all. New parents often believe that in order to meet the demanding needs of the baby, they have to sacrifice the needs of the relationship. There is a sense that “I can either be close to my spouse or my baby, but I can’t do both.” This leads to resentment and isolation. But studies have shown that couples can be engaged parents and protect their relationship without sacrificing the bond with their child.
Sinead Smyth is a Certified Gottman Therapist, Trainer and Consultant at eastbayrelationshipcenter.com who believes that the best gift you can give your baby is a happy relationship between her parents.
Be honest. Did you have any idea what you were getting yourself into when you talked about having kids? Did you expect a few sleepless nights but then, bliss? If she’s your second or third, did you expect smoother sailing?
Nothing is supposed to be more joyful and fulfilling than the birth of a baby. After all, they are adorable, sweet smelling and so vulnerable, calling on all our instincts to protect and nurture, and we love them, fiercely. When the reality of sleep deprivation, colic and endless nappies sinks in, we understand that nothing could have prepared us - for both the precious moments of joy and the major stresses of parenthood. A landmark thirteen year study conducted by the leading U.S. relationship researcher, Dr. John Gottman, in Seattle, uncovered this startling fact - that in the first three years after babies were born, approximately two-thirds of parents experienced a “significant drop” in their couple relationship satisfaction.
Given that there are about 800,000 babies born in the UK every year, that is a lot of unhappy new parents. While the work of parenting a baby certainly takes a toll, it’s also the shifting of the relationship from “us as a couple” to “us as parents” that creates the distress in relationships at this time. Emotional and physical intimacy deteriorates as new parents can barely find the time to shower, never mind have fun or have long conversations anymore.
New mums can experience a big drop in sex drive and become very involved with the baby, which means they have less to offer their partners emotionally. New dads, sometimes feeling left out, can put more energy into their work. This is a time when conflict and hostility between partners can dramatically increase, with both partners feeling unappreciated and more withdrawn and isolated from each other.
This outcome is not, of course, a given. The Gottman research found that one-third of new parents continue to be happy and connected with each other, and the study also revealed what those couples were actually doing that nurtured their own relationship, as well as their baby’s development.
So what did those happy new parents do? What are the actions you can take today that will help your relationship thrive?
GENTLY DOES IT
These happy couples managed the inevitable stresses of parenthood very carefully they were slower and gentler with how they argued. If you want to follow in their footsteps, try to bring up problems without criticism or blame of your partner, and listen to complaints without defensiveness. Keep yourselves relatively calm when arguing. If you get physically charged up, take a break, soothe yourself. When things go awry between you, hit the brakes, and recognize that there are two perspectives in any disagreement. Remember that when you’re not exhausted, you probably still like, even love each other, so give the benefit of the doubt as best you can. When the wheels come off, as they do even in great relationships, take a few minutes later to reconnect and repair.
FRIENDS AND LOVERS FOR LIFE
Remember when you first met and you couldn’t get to know enough about each other? Endless curiousity, planning dates, focussing on everything that made your partner special to you. The satisfied group in the research continued to ask questions and remained interested in each other. Recognising that being a parent changes everything, continue to ask questions about how your partner thinks, feels, sees the world now, how have things changed for him/her? If we stay connected in this way, research has shown that this is a building block to lasting friendship, intimacy and even great sex. Couples who thrive after having kids also tend to be on the lookout for what’s going well, as opposed to scanning for mistakes and nursing grudges. If we take a leaf out of this book, we can express appreciation and gratitude even when tired and stressed. We’ll also try and leave something (even a tiny bit) in reserve to be able to respond to each other’s needs for emotional and physical connection. Accept that your sex life is going to be different, at least for a while, but verbal and physical affection tends to be the spark that lights the fire.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO BUILD FOR YOUR FAMILY?
Have intentional conversations about what values, priorities, and beliefs are important to you both now that you’re parents. The happy couples in the research talked about what traditions and rituals they wanted to pass on to their children, using these conversations as a way to build a legacy and a family culture. They shifted from a “me” focus to a “we” or team focus to building their family. These conversations can be grounding and a way to maintain connection between you keep a bigger perspective on what all of this madness can be about.
Join us tomorrow for part two in keeping your relationship strong during this important transition.
