Melissa Corkhill

By Melissa Corkhill

07th January 2009

Giving your child positive loving messages encourages him to be the best he can be and offers the chance of greater understanding. Try these ten simple steps to avoid recrimination and punishments.

Melissa Corkhill

By Melissa Corkhill

07th January 2009

Melissa Corkhill

By Melissa Corkhill

07th January 2009

Here are ten alternatives that give the child only positive, loving messages:
1. Prevent unwanted behavior from occurring by meeting your child’s needs when they are first expressed. This is perhaps the very best approach. It not only prevents misbehavior, it tells the child that you truly love and care for her. With her current needs met, she is free to move on to the next stage of learning.
2. Provide a safe, child-friendly environment. There is little point in having precious items within the reach of a toddler, when they can be put away until the child is old enough to handle them carefully. For older children, provide opportunities for active play.
3. Apply the Golden Rule. Think about how you would like to be treated if you were to find yourself in the same circumstances as your child, then treat your child that way. Human nature is human nature, regardless of age.
4. Show empathy for your child’s feelings. Even if the child’s behavior seems illogical, the underlying feelings and needs are real and need to be taken seriously. Saying things like, “You really look unhappy” is a good way to show a child that you care about their needs and feelings.
5. Validate your child’s feelings so he knows that we understand and care, that it is acceptable to have whatever feelings are present, and that he will never be rejected for having any particular kinds of feelings. For example, “That scared me too.”
6. Meet the underlying need that led to the behavior in the first place. If we punish the outward behavior, the still unmet need will continually resurface in other ways until it is finally met. An example here would be, “Are you feeling sad because your friend moved away?”
7. Stay on your child’s side. Whenever possible, find a “win-win” solution that meets everyone’s needs. To learn conflict resolution skills, consider a course in Nonviolent Communication.
8. Reassure your child that she is loved and appreciated. So-called bad behavior is often the child’s attempt to express her need for more love and attention, in the best way that she can at that moment. If she could express this need in a more mature way, she would do so. For example, you might ask, “Would you like to read a book with me so we can have some time together?”
9. Provide positive alternative experiences and productive activities. Offer crayons, read a story, put a young child in the tub for water play, or enjoy a walk outside together. This can shift the focus away from a situation that has become too stressful to resolve at that moment: “Let’s make some play dough!”
10. See the good. Ask yourself “Will I look back at this later and laugh?” If so, why not laugh now? Seize the opportunity to create the kind of memory you will want to have when you look back on this day. The most challenging situations can be defused by the timely use of good-natured humor: “Oh, no, you and your brother painted each other green? Wait, let me get the camera!”
With thanks to Jan Hunt of The Natural Child Project.

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