By Louise Kinnaird

23rd February 2017

Children who are given the emotional support and physical affection they need are more likely to be able to empathise

By Louise Kinnaird

23rd February 2017

By Louise Kinnaird

23rd February 2017

Your child runs over to help another who has fallen over and hurt himself, other children just stand and watch. You swell with pride, your child has just demonstrated empathy. But was it something you did to instill his concern for others or was he born with it? And what does this show about the kind of adult he will become? ‘The essence of empathy is the ability to stand in another’s shoes, to feel what it’s like there and care about making it better if it hurts,’ explains Bruce Perry in his book, Born for Love: Why Empathy is Essential, and Endangered. Empathic children are aware of their own feelings and can distinguish their own from others, to imagine how others might feel in a given situation and respond in a comforting way. According to Perry, this skill will enable them, later on, to do better academically, have stronger friendships and relationships and to be more likely to have successful adult careers.

Studies show children come into the world with the potential to be empathic, ‘We are genetically predisposed to care for others,’ says Perry. And we are witness to it soon after our children are born. Most parents, very early on will witness their babies trying to imitate facial expressions, sticking out his tongue after his father stuck out his. It is this mirroring on which our ability to empathise rests. Mirroring is in our genes but for this to develop into empathy these skills must be nurtured. It is an individual’s social experience, a process of interaction with others that determines the extent of our empathic capabilities. Empathy emerges from the development of our stress response systems. Various hormones; oxytocin, dopamine and endogenous opioids enable a child to bond with his parents, and if they consistently meet his needs when he is scared, hungry or uncomfortable, he will develop a healthy stress response system.

mothering and modelling

Children who are given the emotional support and physical affection they need by a parent are more likely to be able to self-comfort and later on, extend that comfort to others. Studies show that children have a greater capacity for empathy when their own emotional needs are met at home. It is the repeated modelling and encouraging of empathic behaviour by carers that enables it to become part of the child’s behaviour. His relationship with his mother shapes the way he perceives and responds to the world, and how he forms and maintains relationships, but it also affects a baby’s ability to control his responses to feelings, thoughts and experiences.

Research suggests that children as young as 14 months are able to offer help to others. And as they near two, they begin to realize that they are a separate person with their own thoughts and ideas and may show early signs of empathy by offering a teddy to a parent or another child who is unhappy. Typically around age four, children begin to associate their emotions with the feelings of others. By six or seven, a child can take another person’s perspective and offer appropriate help when they are suffering. It takes longer, some theorize as late as adolescence, for a child to begin to empathise on societal issues that they cannot relate to, such as homelessness or discrimination. When we nurture empathy; praise appropriately; and know and appreciate who our children are and maintain their trust and respect we strengthen their sense of self. This enables our children to consider the perspectives of others including conflict with siblings and peers, and people who are from different cultures or backgrounds.

So why should we encourage and nurture empathy at home? Promoting empathy at home has huge implications. Being more able to regulate his own behaviour, an empathetic child will make decisions that are right for him but without hurting others or seeking approval or acceptance. He is more likely to reject negative peer pressure and destructive behaviors such as bullying, aggression or violence against others.

lack of empathy

We can see the importance of empathy if we consider children who clearly lack it, the implications of which can be harmful both to the child himself and others around him.

Trust and consistency in a child’s life are important for his development of empathy. Simply put, a child who experiences inconsistent care or does not trust that his needs will be met will develop problems in his ability to empathise with others.

It is theory of mind that predicts what others might think and do, but in an extreme home situation where adults are deceitful or inconsistent, children may grow up using the theory of mind skill to deceive rather than to help. He might put himself in someone else’s position, not to understand or connect with that person but to discover the best way to manipulate him. His own early emotional needs had been ignored and as a result he will be unable to recognise the needs of others.

The adaptive nature of human temperament ensures that a child with a stressful home life is constantly on the defence, which can make him anxious and emotionally volatile. He is unable to forge trusting relationships and having become accustomed to fear inside the home, he is less likely to be frightened by experiences outside the home, and may deride the fear in others too and will be less likely to avoid scaring or hurting them, leading to bullying. A child with an angry temper will ensure others are fearful of him therefore ensuring others avoid and are less likely to challenge him. For a child like this, punishment is not likely to have the intended impact. He will lack sensitivity to both positive and negative experiences, and, not feeling much of anything, he is likely to seek out more intense experiences, leading to risk taking and stimulation seeking, addictions and compulsive behaviours with less concern for the effect of his actions on other people.

However, there is hope for these children because research has shown that even if we are born into highly stressful situations our empathic skills can be improved in a supportive environment later on.

nurture empathy

In the face of adverse behaviour from a child, a parent who stays calm and processes their feelings models healthy emotional management. A tall order, some parents might think, but if we consider that by being shouted at, children who are punished for undesirable behaviour do not develop an internal sense of right and wrong; they merely learn to comply with the wishes of the parent. If we approach bad behavior with compassion and try to explore with our child how his behaviours affect others, we are likely to be more successful in raising empathetic children who learn how to relate to others. A child will learn a valuable lesson by discussing how his actions affect others and we can help this process by asking questions such as ‘How do you think your friend is feeling? What could you do to help?’ When our children are very young we naturally help them to identify basic emotions such as happy and sad and may be later we’ll help them understanding feelings of disappointment, frustration, excitement, nervousness, fear and so on. Once the child understands their own feelings, they can understand others as well as when their actions affect someone else. For instance, if the child felt sad when a toy was taken away, later they can recognize that another child may feel the same way if their toy is taken away. Nurturing empathy in our children can be a long process and there are many barriers to it along the way. We can’t expect our children to feel empathy for others when they are experiencing overwhelming feelings of their own. But we can have conversations that addresses their feelings and the issues of importance in their lives, which will not only provide them with the empathy that they may be needing but will also model this approach to them for the future.

societal benefits

Empathy is about putting ourselves in another’s shoes, understanding others’ perspectives. It is essential if society is to work and it is a fundamental skill for the individual who wants to succeed at life. We need empathy to embrace differences, build relationships and communicate effectively.

By creating the kind of environment that nurtures empathy in our children, parents have the power to drastically alter a child’s perception of others and of himself and can have a profound impact on every other measure of behaviour. An environment where children demonstrate through daily activities a capacity for listening to others’ perspectives and resolve conflicts is an effective one.

Empathy plays a more important part in our lives than we might think, it is a fundamental part of our development and without it society would decline. From the effectiveness and impact of our parenting methods to the relationships between our child and others, a more empathic environment can encourage collaborations and communication and can reduce misbehaviour thereby improving the whole family experience.

Louise is a mother to two boys and a part-time writer based in Glos. She writes regularly on parenting issues for The Green Parent magazine.

HOW TO CREATE AN EMPATHIC ENVIRONMENT

• Make talking about feelings and emotions part of everyday talk and keep discussions about emotions open and honest.

• Look at books and pictures showing various emotions and empathic scenes.

• Ask questions about how your child is feeling to encourage empathy

• Encourage meaningful ways to show kindness. • Be an empathic role model. Demonstrate verbal and non-verbal strategies to let a child know you understand how they feel.

• Encourage children to solve their own conflicts empathically.

• Provide children with opportunities to engage in empathic pro-social behaviour such as helping out at home, or a poorly relative.

WHAT EMPATHY ISN’T

Permissiveness You can (and should) set limits as necessary. And then acknowledge his unhappiness about those limits. Don’t be defensive. It’s important to your child that you be able to tolerate his disappointment and anger.

Solving the problem The point is to let him get past his upset so that he can begin to think about solutions himself, not to solve it for him. When he expresses his feelings about something, you’ll want to listen and acknowledge, rather than jumping in with solutions. That means you’ll have to manage your own anxiety about the issue.

Agreeing Accepting his feelings and reflecting them does not mean you agree with them or endorse them. You are showing him you understand, nothing more, and nothing less. And if you’ve ever felt understood, you understand just how great a gift this is.

Probing “Tell me how you feel” is not empathy. Empathy is mirroring whatever she’s showing you.

Trying to change the feeling or cheer the person up Empathizing with the bad feeling is the fastest way to let it dissipate. Arguing her out of the bad feeling just pushes it under, to resurface later. Once she has a chance to notice, accept, and maybe express the feeling, she will feel ready for “cheering up” in the sense of a change of scene and topic. And you’ve given her the message that ALL of her is acceptable, including her yucky feelings.

Arguing with the feeling That just invalidates him.

WHAT EMPATHY IS

Listening without the pressure to solve anything Don’t take it personally. Breathe. Detach.

Acknowledging and Reflecting ‘You sure are angry at your brother,’ or ‘You seem worried about the field trip today.’

Resonating Match your reaction with his mood. Being a bit downcast because his team lost the soccer game doesn’t merit a reaction from you as if someone had died. Similarly, mechanically parroting ‘It can be hard when your boyfriend splits up with you,’ is likely to evoke hysteric rage from your teenager. Keep it real.

MORE INSPIRATION

WATCH Roman Krznaric’s TED talk and his video on the Six Habits of Highly Empathic People at romankrznaric.com/videos

READ Born for Love, Why Empathy is Essential, and Endangered by Bruce Perry

EXPLORE Jan Hunt’s Natural Child Project at naturalchild.org for articles and Q and As around raising empathetic children.

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