By The Green Parent

08th November 2013

With as many as 1 in 6 young people in the UK suffering from some form of anxiety disorder at some point in their lives and many more having regular feelings of “intense” generalised anxiety, we are seeing an increase in anxiety cases year upon year. Over the past 70 years, the numbers have been rapidly increasing. And whilst some cases of anxiety develop later in life for unrelated reasons, a large number of cases can be traced back to childhood.

By The Green Parent

08th November 2013

By The Green Parent

08th November 2013

When we think about anxiety, and it’s closely related cousin depression, being linked to childhood we often think of situations of abuse and neglect. Perhaps we might think of more accepted, though controversial, parenting practices such as “Cry It Out” or “Time Outs” and their links with mental health disorders. In fact, we might be surprised to learn that many loving parents are inadvertently sowing the seeds of anxiety in their children regardless of their parenting ideals.

A major contributor in anxiety cases is the feeling of powerlessness and inability to deal with a lack of certainty. Whatever the specific concern, a lack of control is often at the heart of the issue. Looking to childhood experiences, it’s important to remember that the way our children look at the world begins with them viewing it through the eyes of their parents. However they feel about things and their mistrust of situations and, indeed, their child’s own abilities plays a large role in how the child feels about themselves and their world.

if we hover over our children at the park because we fear that they might hurt themselves or we tell them not to climb up a slide or run too fast and generally micro manage their free play then we are undermining their self-belief. If we restrict their ability to make choices about their life and remove their own sense of control over their world then we foster a sense of powerlessness which later manifests itself as anxiety when they suddenly find themselves alone in the world with the expectation that they are suddenly capable of making choices for themselves.

Parents who micro manage their child’s food intake, who demonise certain foods and who remove their child’s freedom to listen to their body and make good decisions for themselves are disadvantaging them in the long term by not allowing them to learn these important lessons by themselves in their formative years. Instead, they often adopt behaviours that have been instilled rather than fully learned and understood. Similarly a parent who restricts the freedom of their teenagers through strictly controlled internet access, pocket money and more might find their children unable to cope when they leave home which tends to manifest itself in the form of an anxiety disorder and sometimes some degree of depression.

Freedom is, truly, one of the hardest things we can give to our children. Letting go is a gradual process and one that many parents struggle with. The balance between protecting and smothering is so often misunderstood and the unfortunate consequences involve the long term happiness of our children. From the simple cajoling of a child to get into their clothes because they usually love the park and will inevitably be disappointed when they realise they’ve missed the opportunity to go, to more stressful situations such as a sleepover at a new friend’s house – handing over the decision to them is to allow them to learn from that disappointment and to show them that you trust their judgement with their friends. By controlling them, we subtly tell them that they aren’t capable of making a good decision for themselves when the truth is that we often underestimate our children and their abilities to cope with disappointment or mistakes and their abilities to make good choices when faced with the temptation of TV or junk food freedom. All too often we let our anxieties rule the decisions we make for them rather than simply trusting that they are capable. They learn best through the behaviour that we model as adults, not that we attempt to mould within them.

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