Why I Chose to Breastfeed my Baby

I had absolutely no intention of breastfeeding my baby. The idea made me feel uncomfortable; it was bound to be painful and difficult. Bottle feeding would give the baby a chance to bond with her father. I’ve not really seen anyone breastfeed their baby. It just isn’t for me….

All those were things I told myself, and truly believed in the early weeks of my first pregnancy. Back then I also watched Super Nanny and thought she seemed so sensible. I thought I knew how it was going to be. I was looking forward to getting to know my baby, but I thought I already knew myself. What I had not realised was that as the baby is born, so is the mother. And just as she would have a lot of growing and learning to do, so would I.

Things changed dramatically for me. I went from having no interest or intention in breastfeeding to begging to breastfeed her, ending with weeping when she self-weaned at 26 months and I so missed feeding her.

The seed was sown when one morning I woke up and my breasts felt different. They felt heavier, with something somewhere between a tingle and an itch. In that moment, I realised that my body was not paying any attention to my decision not to breastfeed, and were getting ready to feed my baby. Suddenly, I felt that if my body was so instinctively preparing to feed and nurture this tiny new life, then I had to give it my best shot. I couldn’t deny my baby that. Looking back, I now realise that I would have been denying myself, too.

And so I read the NHS web pages on breastfeeding and did the NCT breastfeeding class. Laughably I thought that was that, and I was prepared. Nothing could have prepared me for what was to come. After three days of failed induction I ended up giving birth by emergency caesarean, and although the birth was not as I wished, I did have a wonderful first breast feed with my daughter. It was a magical experience that I can’t put in to words.

Everything I thought I knew about what kind of mother I would be just melted away. The logic that Super Nanny had sold me, the bottles, the formula, and the clinical routines all just melted away. Inside me was a fledgling mother whose instinct was to go to her baby, to hold it, to feed it, and that idea of detached logic was replaced with an almost visceral urge to nurture. This came to the fore in a dramatic way. Just hours after giving birth, I collapsed with undiagnosed eclampsia and had a series of fits. I was given a massive intravenous dose of valium to relax my muscles and stop the fits along with a cocktail of other drugs. I couldn’t open my eyes much less hold my baby, and even when I started to recover, no midwife was willing to tell me I could start to breastfeed my baby.

Every time a new midwife came to see me I would ask if I could restart breastfeeding. Time and time again they went away to check with a doctor, never to return. I felt desperate. It was all I wanted to do, and I was horribly aware that the longer it was left the less likely it was to work. It felt like it was all slipping away from me. After a midwife finally said it was safe, the joy and relief flowed through me just as my milk flowed into my baby.

I learnt in those early milky, messy, leaky days that breast feeding is about so much more than just a method of feeding your baby. It was a way to bond, a way to soothe, a way to calm, to ease to sleep. It wasn’t always easy, and in the early days it was horribly painful at times as one of the medications I was on caused my breasts to feel like they were burning after each feed. I remember kicking my legs in pain as my tiny baby girl latched on to my breast and holding my breath biting my lip to avoid startling her by crying.

But somewhere along the way, it became easier. We both learned together and grew together. We found different positions. After those bumpy early days I looked for information about what I could eat to help support my breastfeeding journey. It was my first inkling of the world beyond the NHS website and the popular mainstream parenting magazines. I found an article on lactogenic foods and then a cook book called ‘The Contented Calf’. I was fascinated by the idea that what I ate could support or even boost my supply, yet confused that the NHS advice regarding diet and breastfeeding is only that ‘you don’t need to eat anything special when you are breastfeeding’ and to take a vitamin D supplement.

My internet research, often undertaken on my tablet whilst breastfeeding my daughter brought me to The Green Parent website. It was so affirming, to suddenly discover that my instinctive way of parenting was a thing. It was natural parenting, attachment parenting. Other people were doing it too! I wasn’t alone.

As we approached six months it seemed everyone around me was debating baby led weaning versus puree feeding, and looking at it as weaning the baby off milk rather than on to food. And yet here were mothers breastfeeding past six months, past a year, past two years. The more I read the less alone and more connected I felt, and the more confident I felt in my choices. As we reached the year mark, a lot of people started to ask when I was going to stop breastfeeding my little girl. My answer was always the same – I would stop when she was ready to. I had come to see it as a developmental phase. Just as she stopped crawling when she was ready to walk, she would stop feeding when she didn’t need it any more.

Until then, I happily fed her whenever and wherever she needed it. You don’t see many two year olds being breastfed, which made it feel even more important to me. If people saw me doing it, hopefully it would help normalise it, and maybe even help another Mum feel confident enough to keep going as long as she and her child want to.

When she self-weaned, it was sudden, and I felt bereft. Although I always wanted to wait until she was ready, I had hoped to have one last feed that I would know was the last one. It wasn’t to be, although I am happy that it was her choice to stop. Two months on, she remembers breastfeeding. She will suddenly push her face into my breasts and say ‘yumyumyum’ and smile. I smile too, because this was a journey I could never have planned, never have anticipated. I wasn’t even going to buy a ticket for this particular ride. But I am so glad I am here, and if I am lucky enough to have another baby, I will feed them for as long as they need me to, and hope that other Mums will feel inspired to do the same. I have a whole list of things I want to explore which I didn’t manage to this time around. Babywearing is top of my list.

My breastfeeding journey has also taught me other valuable lessons. I have come across many ideas in The Green Parent which are new to me, and in the past I would have dismissed some as too extreme for me. But now, remembering how my feelings changed around breastfeeding, I am far more open minded and non-judgemental about other aspects of parenting. You never know what is going to work for you or for your child, and now I am happy to give most things a go.

I also feel far less guilt for following my own path. When many parents around me were taking their babies to lots of classes and development activities, I was firmly entrenched in my fourth trimester and keeping things as calm and quiet as possible. Sometimes in those early days I worried that she was missing out. Now, two years on, we are adopting a Waldorf inspired lifestyle, and I am working on home study courses to fully incorporate elements of rhythmic living into our lives. I can really recommend a free course ‘Lavender’s Blue Homeschool 30 Days to Waldorf-Inspired Preschool at Home.

When other Mums are talking about how many different classes their toddlers are signed up for, I don’t feel the need to apologise for our daily round of colouring, kneading bread dough, playing with blocks, telling stories, observing the seasons and playing in nature. We give each other time to just be.

Coming across The Green Parent has been like discovering the keys to a magical kingdom, a kingdom where mainstream parenting doesn’t have to be the only way. I have made coloured calendar peg dolls to observe the colours associated with each day by Rudolph Steiner. I try and incorporate the grain associated with each day into our menu plan. We
celebrate the seasons. Many of our toys are made from natural materials, and we have managed to avoid all but one noisy one which needs batteries – and spends most of its life hidden behind the living room door. There are no time-outs or naughty step. Instead there is respect, role modelling and empathy. Jo Frost is out, Sarah Ockwell Smith is firmly in.

As a family, we couldn’t be happier. So much has blossomed from that moment when I decided to give breastfeeding a go. It wasn’t just my daughter my milk nourished, but our whole little family.

Naomi lives in a little Victorian cottage with her husband, toddler, and a great many books. Tea and red lipstick are her constant companions as she crafts a Waldorf inspired way of life for her family.