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Where can you ask for help when you cannot think of anything else to do to help behaviour in a child? My son is 3 1/2 and several times every day is a break down of him screaming, misbehaviour, ignoring basic stuff or laughing at me, putting himself in harm or breaking down in to tantrums/fits.
Please don’t just post that my child’s the same, I keep reaching out for help and getting the same back with no actual suggestions of how to help or where to ask for help. My husband is losing it and I am not far behind.
Please be sensitive x
Treat the earth well: it was not given to you by your parents,
it was loaned to you by your children.
We do not inherit the Earth from our Ancestors,
we borrow it from our Children.
LETS number 64
Do you feel this is more than just age/frustration etc?
Have you looked at allergies? I know it sounds crazy but i know you guys have some sensitivites and sometimes allergies can manifest themselves behaviourally.
How would you feel about a referral to see someone more ‘professional’? Im not exactly sure in which direction you would be pointed in, but im almost certain if you asked for a referral with conviction that you felt you needed one, S would be given one.
I think that you know your child best and really should seek the support that may be avaliable to you.
Big, massive hugs to you. You are holding a lot together and you need to know how amazing you are doing xxx
I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time. It can really drive you to distraction, the behaviour of your child. I have no experience of something as serious as you;re describing, but of the top of my head, I would go and talk to: their preschool or nursery teacher (if he goes to preschool), your health visitor (if you have trust in their way of working and judgment, some are brilliant, others not so much), your GP. These people can all discuss your son’s behaviour with you, in the case of a teacher, whether he displays similar behaviour in their setting and how they tackle it. A health visitor and GP can refer you to child behaviour experts for help. Also, is there a Sure Start centre near you? They have child behaviour ‘experts’ on board who can help you implement parenting strategies that will help you manage his behaviour.
I hope you get a good response form the people you;re going to tun to. Sometimes you have to try several people until you find someone that works for you and your family. All the best!
(Lets number 63)
I really feel for you. The professional possibilities are… Health visitor (one you click with if you are lucky enough), any friends or contacts who are child counsellors or therapists, actual play therapists or child counsellors etc. I know you don’t want to hear “we’ve been through it” but we have tried these people when desperate. I also turn to well chosen books and friends, and cannot underestimate the power of finding what works for you and your husband as a personal let off steam / relax technique, even if it is just a mini meditation of seconds within the day. Thinking of you, it is very very hard x
Mum to two boys, Roan (Nov 08) and Jude (Oct 11) and a little girl, Amalie (Jan 14). Trying to parent as gently and lovingly as I can.
Find your local Children and Family Centre (Sure Start) they should have the contacts for you- they may run courses and workshops in behaviour issues.
can you explain a bit more his reasoning behind his behaviour, not what you think but his thoughts and then your reaction to his behaviour. I’m sure his reasoning is completely ‘‘ridiculous’’ in anyone but his mind but looking at what he believes to be a completely serious and appropriate reaction may help you to start to get to him before kick off.
It took a while for me to work out that when my youngest exploded that I needed to go straight to her and hold her or just sit by her, sometimes she stays on my lap and snuggles into me still screaming but if I try to put an arm round her or talk it’ll set her off again I basically have to just sit there with my arms hanging down by my sides, it’s like she wants to be in control by showing me she doesn’t want me touching her or talking and she is really angry with me but she still has the need to be physically close but on her terms.
The hugging it out works well for my youngest whereas my oldest gets over it more quickly if she is left alone or distracted.
I’m just reading how to raise your sensitive child which is really giving me some insight into things I had never considered before, like having trouble with transitions even if it’s from play to the dinner table or from getting from in the car to out the car, that one is driving me loopy at the moment.
I’d love to help but without knowing of an actual incident, before after etc it would be hard to comment. try next time it happens to write down what he was doing when it started, when his last food/drink was, what time of day, if he had been out the house, siblings involvement, parents reaction etc.
hope you get some good advice
SAHM to Tillie 21/09/2007 and Ivy 31/08/2009.
The aim of education should be to teach us rather how to think, than what to think - rather to improve our minds, so as to enable us to think for ourselves, than to load the memory with thoughts of other men. ~Bill Beattie
Following on from wondermob- yes, I found a way to deal with my youngest son’s explosions in the end. He needed (and still needs) space, no one to talk to him or touch him or even look at him. He was almost embarrassed at his behaviour/emotions and needed to have a ‘way out’ while saving face, rather than drawing any attention to it. I have also learned to live with the small stuff and save my energy. Maybe he is ‘getting away’ with some awful behaviour/actions but then again I need my sanity.
Also just distraction and me playing the fool helped break the ‘moment’ and could bring him round to laughter rather than rage.
With my eldest son I started to write down when an episode happened- the before/during/after. It helped me see in the end that they were becoming less frequent and even now I can look up in the book and think wow, it hasn’t happened now since xx date. The only pattern I found was either tired, or didn’t get his own way- not so helpful! But when he got older (7-8yrs) I could later refer to the book to talk about it with him or show the episode is not forgotten or ignored or ‘okay’, as at the time of the episode we often just could not ‘talk about it’ as he was not communicating in any functional way for a long time after or we had to just get on with the day/school/outing etc.
I would have a chat with your local health visitors. They may have some suggestions you haven’t thought of our might be able to get you a referred to your local paediatric team who could be able to do some work with you to get to find out what the problem is and work with you to try and make things easier for you all.
It’s certainly the best place to start especially if it’s driving you and your DH to breaking point.
Sending lots of hugs your way
Firstly big hugs, because it can really push you to the edge and it’s exhausting.
I agree, a good place to start to seek help is your health visitor (if you have one you feel comfortable with), or the sure start children’s centre (the health visitor may well refer you to the children’s centre anyway). You may well find that the approach they suggest to deal with the behaviour is not the kind of route you wish to go down, but just having someone talk through things with you and give suggestions, even if that’s a sticker chart/ time out approach (and I’m not judging these approaches, they work for some children, not others (including merri). Some parents are happy with them, some not so). It’s worth looking at the basics, which you probably already have- tired, hungry, sensitivities.
I have used the children’s centre support when I just didn’t know what to do with merri, the lady came out to see us at home and gave suggestions but didn’t judge or push if I said they weren’t compatible with my parenting philosophy. In the end what actually helped me was to have talked through the problems with someone who understood, didn’t judge and didn’t match it with a story of their own children. I think in our case some of the behaviour was down to my very high stress levels rubbing off on merri, and also her wanting control, my attention, but not being able to deal with the feelings caused by this. I found the book love bombing a useful read (I think there’s a website with the info on too), and tried applying some factors of that (a full on love bomb is impractical for us at the moment). I can lend you the book if you think it’ll help? x
Mummy to 4 little pixies: Seren (feb 08), Merri (may 09), Nerys (june 11) & Lyra (April 13)
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I’d second Love Bombing - it’s a brilliant book, and Oliver James is a very talented man.
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You could go to your GP or you could even contact social services, they’re there to help families.
With Lewis I talked it over with the health visitor, who referred us to a paediatrician, and we got support through him.
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