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Do any of you get judged for the way you parent? Every now and then my family drop a bomb shell and it always shocks me that they don’t understand why I parent the way I do (or maybe I just forget). We have been having some difficulties recently with DD and was finding things particularly hard. Apparently according to my family I have reaped what I have down. Because I use a child centred approach myDD makes all the decisions and does what she wants. This is absolutely not true. We parent with respect, give her choices, listen if she’s upset, accommodate her little quirks etc. The worst thing is I always feel the need to explain why I do things and they just never ‘get it’.

SAHM and loving it to DD Feb 09

“Don’t go through life, grow through life.” - Eric Butterworth

I used to sometimes feel like that when dd (my oldest) was little and sometimes also when ds1 was small and I had both of them - especially by people who had at least two children older than mine who had “been there done that”. But I now have 3 and I am totally confident in my approach. Sometimes I still get “advice” but it goes right over my head as I know I am doing what we do in the way we feel best so it doesn’t bother me anymore. Was expecting to get more opposition to HEing ds2 but I’ve actually had mainly positive responses from anyone who matters. (Not that he’s school age yet anyway!) Even the ones who have similar aged children and wouldn’t dream of doing it themselves have said that they think it’s great but they couldn’t do it (I’m sure they could!). You don’t need to explain to anyone why you do what you do - just say that it works for us. Difficulties arise no matter what way you parent so they can “blame” the way you parent if they want - but I’m pretty sure their parenting journey wasn’t all plain sailing either!! You don’t need to explain yourself - just nod and smile and carry on with what you’re doing. Hugs. x x x x

Oh yes - the whole ‘rod for your own back’. It use to upset me but I’ve learnt to let to it go. I feel comfortable with how I parent my children and I know them better than anyone else. I think it depends on peoples expectations - my eldest is often told off by my family for ‘answering back’ for example whereas I simply see it as her asking questions and challenging which is good as I don’t want her blindly following her peers as a teenager! I’ve developed a technique of listening to advice while actually not listening at all so that it does bother me.

Learning from my beautiful daughters everyday

We do not own the world, we borrow it for a while from our children

Your children, your choice.  They go through difficult patches regardless of how they are brought up - in my case any opposition or disagreement when I was growing up was met with a smack or similar.  I lived in fear of my mother.  I’ve had to learn to be an individual because being anything other than what the adults in my life ‘expected’ me to be was not allowed.  So, with my kids there’s time and space….to scream and shout, to disagree.  There is space for discussion but there are also boundaries - and we always reinforce kindness in everything we do.  I make a point of apologising if I’ve got cross or got it wrong.  As far a possible there’s a no shouting rule in the house.  My DD has just gone through a really challenging few weeks.  It is exhausting but I hope by being consistent and coming back to a point of respect that we will all have better and happier relationships.  Hang in there, do what you feel is right and when criticism comes your way either let it roll off you, or maybe ask gently why they feel its appropriate to say such things as they are neither kind or helpful.  x

Thanks for your replies, I think my expectation of others can be part of the problem. Expecting them to understand, get involved, be interested etc. Letting go of expectations I think is key. Good to know I’m not alone x

SAHM and loving it to DD Feb 09

“Don’t go through life, grow through life.” - Eric Butterworth

There is a book called ‘Mother Styles’ which really helped me to understand why other people could not accept the way we parent.  Unfortunately, such people tend to be, by definition, closed to new ideas and so could not accept the fact that different people have different personality types either.  I am not sure whether knowing that some people *can’t* be open to new/differnet ideas due to their personality is liberating or infuriating - both I guess!  But well worth a read.

BTW I could ahve written your original post too smile

Thanks greeneve sounds very interesting, will look it up x

SAHM and loving it to DD Feb 09

“Don’t go through life, grow through life.” - Eric Butterworth

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