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I have had one of those days today and it's only lunchtime! I do hope someone can reassure me that I'm doing ok because I'm really fed-up right now. Just back from the dentist and as was not entirely unexpected, DD, whose first visit it was, screamed the place down and refused to even look at the dentist let alone open her mouth at all. DD is getting on for 5 years old now and I'm really fed-up with her being like this. She does it at the doctors, in the supermarket or library if there's more than about 10 people there, anywhere she thinks is too noisy/hot/cold, she even did it for the entire day she was supposed to be a bridesmaid despite looking forward to doing it allegedly and saying afterwards that she enjoyed it!
She is the very definition of the 'high need child', the 'highly sensitive person' and various of those kinds of definitions and I do my best to accommodate her needs in this regard, being similar in personality myself but I'm really getting fed-up with people implying that I ahve 'made' her like this with the way we bring her (and her brother) up. Everyone else who raises children in an 'attached' way seems to be able to point to their behviour as 'proof of the pudding' - is it only me whose child is difficult despite being brought up as attached as possible? In sane moments I know that brining her up any other way would ahve made her even more difficult but it's very hard to believe when she's kicking off in public yet again, and your mother-in-law is clearing bursting to piont out that my weird ways aren't working.
GAH!!!!!! Someone cheer me up…

Liz grin x

Druid, boat-dwelling, home educating mum of DD1 (11), Aspie DS (9) and baby DD2 (2), & part-time step-mum to 2 stepdaughters, 9 and 7.

Hello Liz,
Sorry to hear you are feeling a bit down,  it really isn't your fault, children have their own personalities and you are clearly a great mum, so it isn't you.  My eldest son can be trying at times, he can be so bossy, and some days everything has to be exactly a certain way or he kicks up a huge fuss- if you give him the wrong spoon, for example, you'd think it was the end of the world!  Perhaps it's just the way kids work out their own boundaries and things like that. Your daughter is probably very bright, which often goes hand-in-hand with being sensitive- like you, I consider myself 'sensitive' as well, I read a book about it, and sensitive people are almost TOO aware of what's around them, and can easily get knocked off balance. As to what you can do, well it's hard to know, some days it's easy to humour your child, other days it's harder.I suppose it's best to try to stay calm and not take it too personally,  and distracting the child who is kicking off often works (though I suspect not always)!  I'll have a look in the book I mentioned, I can't remember if it mentions anything specifically about children.
All the best, Sarah.

I'm just going to send you a bunch of (((HUGS))).

You know deep down that you are doing *more* than ok. We can't change people's opinions of us, but we can change the way we allow them to affect us. When we're feeling good, healthy and energetic it's easy to see thoughtless comments as 'their stuff', but there are days when we even doubt ourselves.

I'm mama to a highly sensitive too and I would just pull back the pressure. I find that works wonders. Feeling under expectation can really rock the core of a sensitive soul.
I'm not talking about letting dd get away with bad behaviour, but really work out what is important and what you can let go of. Then make firm boundaries about the things that DO matter and let the rest go….............

I really hear your frustrations, but it's like you mention at the end and you KNOW this is the truth. If you didn't parent in the respectful and loving way you do, your child would probably be 10 times worse.
Lots of reassurance, hugs, which I'm sure you do anyway and building up your daughter's self esteem will get you through this.

The Bach flower remedy of Walnut is really good - it helps protect against any changes and transitions and protects from outside negative influences.

I think alot of this 'acting up' is in fact, extreme overwhelm. The situations you talk about are very pressurised - being the centre of attention at drs and dentists, crowded supermarkets and being at the centre of attention as a bridesmaid. Those are pretty big things to have to face. I'm sensing that your daughter, contrary to what it looks like, is asking for your help and support. She dodesn't feel safe and she wants out. The only way she knows to get what she wants is to do what she is doing.

As parents we have to teach our angels better ways to get their needs met and it's a constantly evolving thing.

one tool I find particuarly helpful is EFT. You can find out everything you need to know for free at emofree.com. Your daughter is old enough to be empowered with this. My daughter uses it alot.

Much love to you; I hope you are feeling calmer now.

Starchild x

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LETS member 35

Hi Julysea

sorry to hear you are having a rubbish time! just a quick note really to say have you read the book - the highly sensitive child? i remember when i found it a few years ago i nearly cried in the bookshop when i realised how it described my eldest son, at nearly seven he still screams like a maniac when we have to go to the dr's or anything has to be done to him. He still will only wear certain clothes and has to wear his socks inside out so the seams dont irritate him! & is similar with busy noisy places etc he is massively high maintenance…....so i know where you're coming from. I am also a highly sensitive person and also try to work around him and his needs but sometimes it will present problems. Sounds like you are doing a great job just remember there is only so much you can do, keep up the good work you shouldnt doubt yourself!  ;D (i'm sure she'll turn out great in the end  wink) my mum is also a highly sensitive person but was brought up in a household where that was not allowed and she still turned out fine so i'm sure you're daughter will thrive with your care and trying to accomodate her needs. Sorry if this is a bit rambly i should be somewhere else!

Lucyx

Thank you everyone, you ahve really helped! You're right, I do know deep down that I'm doing the right thing by DD, but some days it's just so hard. Being quite sensitive and (very) introverted myself, I find it really hard to cope in public when DD is acting up.
Starchild, you're right that it's when DD is under pressure that she reacts like this, and I know she needs help then, but she makes it so difficult to help her - denying there's a problem, refusing to talk about it and just insisting she's 'tired'. She is just so overwhelmed by things that she can't even bear to talk about it, which makes it hard to help her. I'll check out the website you mention. We already try to only insist on things which are worth the fight, but I get so weary on days when she won't co-operate with anything. And so embarrassed dealign with her in front of an unsympathetic audience who are obviously thinking 'if that ws my child…'
Wiilowarrior, Lucy, I have got the Highly Sensitive Person book  and it definitely refers to me as well as DD, but I may ahve to get the Child one too and see if there's any techniques that might be helpful in it.
Sarah, your son sounds exactly like my DD. I'm glad I'm not alone!
Thanks all!

Liz grin x

Druid, boat-dwelling, home educating mum of DD1 (11), Aspie DS (9) and baby DD2 (2), & part-time step-mum to 2 stepdaughters, 9 and 7.

Unfortunately, my daughter wants quiet time on her own…but with someone! Talk about contrary Mary…  ;D

Liz grin x

Druid, boat-dwelling, home educating mum of DD1 (11), Aspie DS (9) and baby DD2 (2), & part-time step-mum to 2 stepdaughters, 9 and 7.

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