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I just wanted to ask everyone about shouting…...
I try not to when possible….but lately I've been failing quite a bit. I know that shouting signals a loss of control and can be scary for the child, I know all the reasons not to - but sometimes, I just can not help it. This morning, for example, (and I have been grumpy lately >:( ) I was bfeeding ds to to sleep in the family bed. I do this every morning so dd and I can go downstairs and spend some time together (ds is in a sling for the rest of the time, so this is some free time for us) So, dd has taken to the habit of making as much noise as possible before we leave the room, so as to wake him up - which this morning she managed - twice!
I'm ashamed to admit it, but I was so angry I was shaking! I shouted far too loud at her, handled her far too roughly and threw my book down the stairs in fury (very adult of me ::) ) I have some other 'issues' in life at the moment which are unconnected to the babies, so i am aware that this is a little bit of misplaced anger also, but in general there are times i find it difficult to keep the volume down!
Every day I tell myself I won't shout today - sometimes i manage it :D but other days, i fall far short (everyday at the moment :-[ ) I am well aware that this is a pattern of parenting i simply won't fall into long term, because I am aware of the detremental effects it can have (in terms of the throwing things, and being rougher with her than usual) but it would be nice to hear from some other mamas on this board, who seem to parent in similar ways to me, that they loose it too sometimes. (If you all don't then I've really put myself out on a limb alone here haven't i! :-\ )
Some company please?! ???
You're not on your own Meme. I hold my hands up to not always managing to keep my cool and not shout at my DD. To be hones t there are some days when I just want to runaway and hide. She doesn't sleep through, still bfeeds a lot day and night (she's nearly 27 months old) and I have lost a lot of weight due to bfeeding and running around after her. I'm almost a stone lighter than pre-pregnancy days and I didn't really have the spare weight too loose, so I'm being given a bit of hassle by my parents to stop feeding DD. I'd rather self wean but I'm starting to think about it as I don't want to loose anymore weight as I'll get to unhealthy levels. There are some days when things do get on top of me and as my little one is VERY independent and knows her own mind, she's not always in a co-operative mood, which can lead to a few cross words.
I think we always have a tendancy to think we're all alone with whatever parenting issue we have, the nice thing I've found about this board is that we're not, plenty of other Mums and Dads are going through the same thing at the same time.
Hugs to you
You are not alone Meme. I get like that sometimes too - then I feel even worse afterwards (especially as my two older ones are 8 and 9 years). I know I have had a very bad couple of years with personal things but I try and remind myself it's not the kids fault. Sometimes I can let things just wash over me (like when they are bickering at each other) then other times I feel I'm behaving like a child myself. :(
(((HUGS))) babe - I'm a shouter too. I didn't realise until I had my child that I had years of repressed anger in me and my dd bought it all up to the surface for me to finally face.
She has been my greatest catalyst and I'm a believer that we make soul contracts. I truly believe that my dd came here to mirror my anger so that I could work through child abuse issues and learn a lot about myself.
I feel terribly guilty, but I apologise to my daughter and show her that we all make mistakes.
I think parenting my daughter in a conscious way sometimes brings up the 'what about me' inner child and that is where my anger stems from. It is so sad that my innocent babe gets the brunt of this. All I know is that I am working through things and as time passes I release more and more so that i am more tolerant. I feel this is better than what I had, which was a mother who pretended everything was ok on the outside, when infact everything was boiling up inside. I was absolutely terrified of her, yet she never raised her voice once. Kids see through the facade…...........
I have recently been roaring with my daughter LOL! - it is so much fun and releases a lot of tension. Maybe this could work for you. Instead of getting angry and misplacing it I invite her to roar or shout with me. Inevitably we end up in fits of laughter so it's a great way to change the energy.
Cherry Plum flower remedy is a great one for feeling a loss of control and temper tantrums (we can have them at any age eh? ::))
You are *so* not alone!
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LETS member 35
I am also a shouter but i do think that as i always ask politely or say what i want the kids to do politely, if i feel i am being ignored i do shout - my way of thinking and i say this to them on a regular basis, if you don't like me shouting then please do as you are asked.
My shouting is usually brought on at times of stress though and usually due to pure frustration and as humans i think that anger is a normal reaction. Sometimes it is not the children's fault but they just seem to play up when i least want them to - that said, by now they should recognise when mum is about to start spouting horns and snorting smoke.
You aren't on your own and the fact that you have recognised that you may have got a little too upset and angry is a good thing, i can't say you won't shake with anger and throw things again or scream at your child because the chances are that you will but at least now you can possibly put some stratergy in place where maybe you think before you yell and remind yourself that shouting might upset your litle one - that said, some children just aren't phased by shouting - but then i think that children need to learn right from wrong, i think that shouting is better than smacking, i rarely shout in anger i will shout for effect or at least raise my voice and say it like i mean it.
I think that most parents at some stage will do what you have done.
This is really interesting. When I was growning up I was very calm and hated conflict (there was alot between my father and brother) but then in my late teens early twenties I had a boyfriend whom was very argumentative and when I sat there calm it made him worse and I ended up becoming an angry shouter for many years. My husband is very VERY calm which to start with I found difficult and although ofcourse we do have our moments I'm so much calmer nowadays. On the occasions when I have shouted at dd I've found it to have not had any affect on her and only to made me feel very VERY guiltly (I've been known to sit and sob on the kitchin floor after a rage of anger at her). Now I try to use a deep stern to the point tone which does seem to have more affect, although on occasions I do find one of us needs to leave the room before I explode, that often helps to just calm the situation and think of how to deal with it.
Even my placid dh shouts sometimes.
Starchild - you're my long-lost twin! :'(
The pain and the hope in your journey, I see that reflected in my life too and I thank you for putting it far more perfectly than I could have. Today I have been feeling particularly joyful as I have found that, after an awful few months of really battling the anger and spending so much time and energy redirecting my angry impulses and just PRAYING for real change in my heart, I have not been angry. All day. Not one single impulse to yell or lash out or anything.
I think you'd ahve to be a saint to never get angry and shout as a parent. My daughter in particular has a way of pushing my buttons so exactly, and at exactly the wrong moment. Not that I'm trying to excuse myself, obviously she is the child and I;'m the adult so the onus is on me to remain calm, but boy is it difficult sometimes. DD was awful with tantrums and especially when DS was a baby, we'd ahve some real conflict to the point where I was so angry, she was screaming, DS was screaming, I was crying and I rang a parents' helpline as I didn;t know what I might do if she provoked me further. I don;t agree with hitting children and I'd come so close and really scared myself. As you say, it's not just them, it's the situation, the tiredness the constant lack of persoanl space, it can just get to you after a while. The key thing is how you deal with it, I think. Hopefully kids will learn something useful from seeing you get angry, but deal with it safely. ???
Druid, boat-dwelling, home educating mum of DD1 (11), Aspie DS (9) and baby DD2 (2), & part-time step-mum to 2 stepdaughters, 9 and 7.
Oh crikey, I shout too, when those moments come and you just think "I'm doing my best, why is it all going wrong!!!" If I think I've been short-tempered when I should have been more tolerant, I do appologise, I think it's important to let children know that even parents stuff up sometimes. Bedtimes are always a struggle, you're tired, the children are tired and they are SO SLOW at getting ready for bed, DH has been away all day and I just want to have half an hour with him before it's bedtime and the whole hamster wheel starts turning for another day. But then I feel guilty for getting irate, because we're all tired and sometimes I feel lke it spoils the day.
I think stress from non-child sources flare up too. I haven't spoken to my mother since July and so all her little critical comments keep popping back into my head regarding my parenting and I find myself trying to be a super-duper mummy just to prove the old cow wrong, so when it goes a bit pear-shaped, it's like proof of my dreadful parenting and then I shout, mostly because I'm angry with myself. I feel like I have to be loving granny AND brilliant mummy, to make up for what the children are missing out on, because it's not their fault we've fallen out.
But, unless the shouting is getting out of control, I think it's a normal human response to an overload of pressure and it's not a bad thing to explain to children that we all feel like that sometimes. If we could empty all the clocks out of our lives and deadlines and traffic and just mooch around, turning up to things when the sun was shining, we'd all shout less, but hey, life's not like that! I think you're very honest Meme, it's done me good this evening to switch on and breathe a sigh of relief. "It's not just me then." And, i think if we are worrying about it, it shows that we are still good parents and know our limitations.
Home educating Mammy to DD aged 13, DS aged 12, DS aged 10, DD aged 7, DD aged 3 and DS aged 2 weeks!!
MY ETSY SHOP!
Thankyou SO much everyone! I can't tell you how nice it has been to read through everyone's replies. Dd is with nanny at the moment and I am embarking on de-cluttering the house - the perfect symbol for my mind - if the house is a state, chances are - so am I! ::)
For me it is just as Starchild said - often it is the child in me speaking (or shouting!) out. If dd is having a whiny, shouty day (quite often at the moment, and doubtlessly connected to me, I know) and she's screaming about something so small, I suddenly feel this overwhelming surge of 'what about me?? I want to be able to scream like that - why should she get to cry like a baby and not me??!' I know i often treat dd as though she is older than she is - she speaks like a sophisticated 35 year old so it isn't hard ;D
Don't get me wrong, lots of our time together IS that happy, songs and smiles picture - but I know life can't be always like that - and hey - I'm in good company!
I am though, constantly amazed by the way having dd has pushed me along the road of 'self-discovery' so to speak. I am 22 now, with 2 little ones, and I think I am only now realising how far I have come, and how much I have changed. My parenting is VERY different from anyone I know, including my own mum and it has been from the moment I fell pregnant. I was definitely overcome by the desire to do everything that was in my power to do 'right' by my baby and have been ever since (though it's not always quite so simple ::) )
So - to cut a looooong story short! - i think it has been just these past couple of weeks I have realised that I am no longer a child - I am the mother, an adult. Perhaps that is where the need to shout like a tantruming toddler has come from - my inner child is fighting back! Of course, the fact that I am doing everything so different from the people around me makes it difficult to talk to them because they just look at me and say - why are you making it so hard on yourself?? - just do like everyone else! It is funny how decisions like full-term breastfeeding, co-sleeping, green living and homeschooling are often seen as the causes of the difficulty - when in fact the difficulty is mothering!! Of course it is joyous and wonderful too (I don't want to put anyone else on a 'downer' ;D ) But suggesting that the choices we so painstakingly make are to blame is just so unhelpful! I know that when I shout at dd my mind says - see! you're just like your mum and all the others - you can't really do this the right way. I don't know if that sounds really strange, but i think i beat myself up about things a lot! :-\
Phew!! I'm glad to get that out! It really is so good to have a place to get all this stuff off my chest! But just as Wodgehog said, the very fact we are worrying about this shows that we know what we are doing, and our limitations - and I always believe that knowledge is power - so we're on the right path!
Thankyou all again for making me feel so much better!! ;D (((HUGS))) to you all for being such great mummies!!
this board astounds me - this is not the first time i have headed towards the computer to start a topic, only to find someone else has beaten me to it!
This is also perfect timing as i have had 'one of those days' today. Actually its been building up for a few days - I am 9 weeks pregnant, and feeling the sickness and tiredness. hubby is at work a lot of the time, and when he is here it still fels like i do most of the parenting, oh and we move house on monday!
I have been frustrated with my daughter, and this has been made worse by the fact that she has decided to give up her daily nap even though she obviously still needs it. I have allowed the tv to be on once a day now - so we can both have half hour calm time in the afternoon.
But i shouted at her today - i get frustrated with her as she seems to be disobedient (i prefer to use that to naughty, dont know why) and do exactly the oppostie of what i ask her.
Its funny as i know that she feeds off me - if im frustrated/angry/tense/irritable she can sense it and it affects her behaviour. so in theory i know that if i calm down, so will she, but thats easier said than done isnt it?
I agree about appologising, i always do after i have been angry, and i always word it so that it implicates me - 'im sorry, mummy was frustrated' instead of 'im sorry, but you were so naughty….'
I'm right there with you ecomum! The theory is (as is often the case!) so much easier than the practise- and even though I've read all the books and know that in many ways my mood sets the tone for hers - there are still times I simply can't calm down!
It sounds like you have quite a few stresses at the moment though - moving house being quite a biggy! I definitely know the feeling that you're doing all the parenting even when dh is home - my house is just like that ::) I also hate the excuse from dh that he doesn't do things because i can do them so much better/faster/nicer etc than he can! - how will he ever learn if he doesn't DO! i had to learn - and fast! he's about 3 and a half years behind me on lots of things! -but that comes from being such a capable woman i guess! ;D
What I will say though is that actually our children are very lucky - they have mummies who care about the choices they make for them, who do their best to do things right, and when they make a mistake they say so! not only do they say so - but they respect their children enough to appologise, far more than many mums i know past and present. Ooooh, this thread really has turned my mood around! Now…...if you could only all do the same for me when it comes to tidying….... ::) :D
I, like everyone here also freely admit to the odd shouting session. On some days maybe more than one too. I think, for me, someone hit on it earlier when they said about lack of personal space- sometimes I can feel that I am getting overwhelmed and think 'I'll just pop to the toilet for a minute'- go in and sit down take a deep breath and a cheeky little three year old stick his head through the door saying 'mummy….....'.The other main time it happens is when he does the standard 'deaf' child thing of ignoring me when I have asked him to do something (usually pick some toys up).
I also usually apologise afterwards and explain that mummy gets frustrated and shes sorry and we have a talk about why people get frustared (until the next time)
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[quote author=starchild link=topic=678.msg7454#msg7454 date=1194908719]
Cherry Plum flower remedy is a great one for feeling a loss of control and temper tantrums (we can have them at any age eh? ::))
I bought some Cherry Plum today!