By The Green Parent
10th February 2021
Yoram Sisso, author of Insights into Relationships explains why couples struggle with their relationship after having children
Relationships are like a garden, you should continuously nurture and take care of it in order for it to flourish. It is like a closed ecosystem, and every change affects its balance. Many couples experience a change in their relationship after having children, and they struggle to keep it stable. Many new responsibilities come with having a baby, and therefore the role division between the couple needs to be redefined. Who wakes up in the middle of the night? Who changes nappies, who gets to sleep in on Saturday morning and so on. On top of it the new mother experiences physical and hormonal changes that affect the relationship ecosystem, which can result in distance and lack of intimacy between the couple. The child’s need for warmth and love come at the expense of close contact between the pair. The uncertainty of this new situation brings stress and chaos into the relationship and the mundane duties that come along with it can kill the spark. So, what can we do to regain balance?
1 Communicate - schedule time to sit together and talk with each other every day, a short but meaningful conversation. Share your feelings or difficulties, talk about your needs and insights, the changes you are going through and how it affects your life. Speak in simple words and allow your partner to express himself/ herself without cutting their thinking process with your own insights, expressing emotions is hard enough without you adding your own input into the pool. Accurate and tuned communication is a mainstay of relationships.
2 Act of Love - In order to get intimacy back in your life, you need to do something that expresses your love to your partner, make a love action: hug your spouse for more than 30 seconds, complement each other, say you are sorry. Remember that the most important thing is to get closer, so put your pride and ego aside, don’t look for who’s right and who’s wrong. Don’t drag an argument for too long, take a breath, cool down and remember that act of love can get you back on the path of intimacy and closeness.
3 Role Planning - don’t just assume that you will figure it out what each one of you should do. Sit together and talk about the new responsibilities chores and duties that come along with your new situation and try to divide it fairly between you. But try this from time to time: voluntarily, without being asked by your spouse, take one of his/her responsibilities when your partner is stressed or tired. This can have a great impact. Remember that in the closed circle of a relationship what goes around comes around.
Yoram is a father to three young girls and married to Einav. He is a seeker, a self-contemplative practitioner of relationships and, according to his wife, a professional husband! He provides couples counselling as a community service and has just published his second book Insights into Relationships.
