You're managing gift lists, coordinating family schedules, keeping everyone fed and happy, and trying, somehow, to make it all feel magical instead of exhausting. We talk a lot about creating memories for our children. Less about the parents' nervous system that's supposed to hold it all together.
That's where intentional connection comes in. Not perfection. Just the ability to stay present when everything around you is pulling you into reaction mode.
Below are five shifts you can make before and during the holiday period. They're not about doing more, they're about choosing differently.
1) Claim Your Space First
Everything we try to create for our families - calm, joy, presence - starts with us. And most of us arrive at the holidays already running on empty. We feel guilty taking time for ourselves. So we push through, but you cannot create connection from depletion.
So before the holidays begin, claim actual space for yourself. Not stolen moments. Not bathroom breaks. Real time that's clearly communicated and guilt-free.
Here's how:
- Decide what you need: whatever restores you.
- Communicate it clearly to your partner.
- Don't apologise for it, offer to return the favour.
Last year, a mother told me she spent every holiday resentful. Always cooking, hosting, managing everyone, and by Boxing Day she wanted to disappear. When I asked if she'd ever just asked for time off, she looked shocked. "Can you do that?" We worked through it. She told her husband: "On Boxing Day I'm sleeping in, going to the gym, having coffee alone." He agreed. She came back energised. Actually present with her children instead of resenting them.
The principle: Your capacity for connection starts with protecting your own nervous system. If you're depleted, everything you give feels like an obligation.
2) Set Expectations Before It Starts
True connection requires intentionality. And that starts before anyone arrives. Most holiday tension doesn't come from actual conflict; it comes from unspoken expectations colliding. You think you're leaving after lunch. Your mother-in-law thinks you're staying for dinner. Your child thinks they're opening presents at breakfast. You've planned it for after lunch. Nobody's said any of this out loud. Then everyone's disappointed and no one knows why.
Here's what to do instead:
With your children: Tell them the rhythm of the coming days. Children need structure; they relax into it. Knowing what's coming helps them feel secure.
With the adults: Set clear boundaries early. It might feel awkward. Do it anyway.
A father I know well used to arrive at his parents' house already tense. His mother expected them to stay all day. His kids were overstimulated within an hour. He spent the whole time trying to keep everyone happy while wishing it would all be over soon. So we reframed it. He set the tone early: "We're coming at midday, staying for lunch, leaving by three." His mother pushed back. He held the line. By the second year, she'd adjusted. She even thanked him, saying knowing the plan helped her prepare differently.
The principle: Clarity makes room for joy. Clear boundaries now, prevent the tension that corrodes connections later.
3) Don’t be afraid of meltdowns
Small children experience the holidays with every sense switched on - lights, smells, sugar, noise, excitement. It's overwhelming. When they unravel, it's not because they're ungrateful or badly behaved. It's because their nervous system is flooded. Overstimulation looks like defiance. But it's really exhaustion in disguise. So help them before they hit the wall.
How to do this:
- Build breaks into the day;
- Keep snacks nearby;
- Watch for the signs;
- Intervene with care, not discipline.
Imagine a five-year-old bursting into tears halfway through Christmas lunch. "He'd been so happy all morning, then suddenly it was like a switch flipped.” What was happening right before the tears? “Everyone was talking loudly, passing dishes, Grandma was taking photos - it was a lot.” Exactly. When you see the signs, step in: "It's been such a big day, hasn't it? Let's go somewhere quiet."
The principle: Connection at that age is about presence, not explanation. Your calm voice and open arms teach safety better than any lecture (or shouting).
4) Give Teenagers Recognition
Teenagers arrive at family gatherings caught between two worlds. They love their family, but they're also desperate for independence. Family events can make them feel trapped: too old for the kids' table, too young for the real conversations. And when they feel invisible or infantilised, they react, sometimes by withdrawing, sometimes by causing disruption.
What you can do:
- Give them real roles, not token tasks: "You're in charge of music today" or "Can you help me with the main course?"
- Communicate the plan with built-in autonomy: "Lunch is at two. After that, you're free - walk, friends, whatever you need."
- Ask their opinion like you would an adult: "What do you think about timing for tomorrow?"
A mother I worked with was baffled by her 15-year-old daughter's behaviour at every family gathering. "She's sulky from the moment we arrive. Makes snide comments, stays glued to her phone, and once she made her little cousin cry." When we explored what might be driving it, the mother realised: "Actually, now that I think about it, everyone does talk about her like she's not there. 'Oh she's at that difficult age,' 'Remember when she used to love dressing up?'" We shifted the approach. So this time she suggested: "This year, I need your help. Can you organise the gift exchange and keep an eye on the timing for dinner? And after lunch, you can leave if you want." The daughter said yes. Christmas Day, she ran the gift exchange beautifully. She was funny, engaged, helped her mum in the kitchen. After lunch, she stayed. By choice.
The principle: Teenagers want to be seen as who they're becoming, not managed as who they were. Give them space within structure, and they'll lean in instead of pulling away.
5) Repair After Conflict
Sibling tension during the holidays is inevitable: too much togetherness, too little space, too many opinions. But conflict doesn't mean failure. It's how children test fairness, express needs, and learn boundaries.
The connection doesn't happen in the absence of conflict. It happens in how you repair it.
How to do this:
- Don't get involved unless they need to be kept physically safe;
- If you do step in, keep your tone neutral: don't emotionally charge the situation;
- Notice the repair later.
Two brothers fighting over the TV remote. Both had been fine all day, but now they're screaming. The father walks in, sees the chaos. His instinct is to demand they stop, fix it immediately. Instead, he takes a breath. Keeps his voice level. "I can see you're both really upset about this. Take a moment. When you're ready to talk about it, I'm here." He doesn't force it. Just leaves the door open. Ten minutes later, they've sorted it themselves. They worked out turns. That evening, the father notices the older one offering his brother first choice of dessert. Says nothing in the moment. Later, privately: "I noticed how you let him choose first at dessert. That was generous."
The principle: Those quiet acknowledgements are where connection actually grows, not in perfect behaviour, but in the repair that follows conflict.
What Really Matters
Before the holidays begin, ask yourself: what do I want this to feel like? Not what it should look like. Or what everyone expects. What do you want to feel?
Maybe it's quiet. Maybe it's laughter. Maybe it's a perfectly set table, and that's fine too.
The point is, it's yours to define.
Intentional parenting isn't about getting it right. It's about choosing with awareness. You can decide what joy looks like. You can create your own rhythm. You can say no to what drains you and yes to what restores you.
The magic of the holidays isn't in the wrapping or the rules or the rituals. It's in the moments when you stop trying to hold it all together and realise: you already have what matters.
Giulia Galli is a parental coach and author of When a Parent is Born. She helps parents build confidence, calm, and connection through intentional parenting.
Follow @reegal_coaching
Substack giuliagalli.substack.com
Visit www.reegal.co.uk
