The day my eldest two, then aged 16 and 14, paddle-boarded around the headland and out of my sight, was the day I realised that my role as a mother was changing and that my babies were no longer babies but well on their way to becoming independent ‘almost adults’
I think there are 5 phases of the childhood/ parenthood relationship.
5 Stages of Parent/Child Relationship
· THE BABY STAGE: when your child is completely dependent on you for everything.
· THE TODDLER STAGE: when they are becoming independent, wanting to find out and do things for themselves, test boundaries, explore and experiment.
· THE MIDDLE YEARS: where they still want to be with you – happily including you in their world, and where they still need reassurance, cuddles and bedtime stories.
· THE TEEN YEARS: basically a repeat of the toddler years - except where you can’t just step in and snatch them back to safety. Instead, you have to stand back and hope they put into practise all those things you have taught them over the years: but sometimes offering a gentle nudge in the right direction when they begin to sway off the path.
· THE YOUNG ADULT YEARS: This is when they are on the cusp of flying the nest – ready to make their way into the world on their own. Perhaps they are at university – returning home during the holidays, or perhaps they are negotiating the world of work and adult responsibilities and relationships. This is when child-parent relationships can either become strained or strengthened.
As parents, our main aim is most likely to bring up our children so that they are happy, healthy and safe, equipped with the skills to live independently as a valued part of society.
Giving Our Children Strong Foundations
Throughout their childhood we can, in the main, have a good level of positive control over this aspiration. We are with them every day and so we get to see what makes them happy and sad, anxious or angry, and can cultivate moments that will bring them the greatest happiness and the least stress.
We get to monitor or control what they eat: we can shop for healthy food and prepare nutritious meals, and we can choose to prevent or limit the amount of unhealthy snacks our children consume.
We can keep our children safe by not exposing them to dangerous situations, and by giving them guidance and support when they are engaged in risk-taking activities such as learning to ride a bike or climb a tree.
We can regulate screen time, instigate bed times so that they don’t get over-tired and make sure they get enough outdoor time and exercise.
Through a nurturing environment, grounded in love, we can give them strong foundations where they will grow deep roots, develop core values and feel anchored and secure, and in time blossom and flourish.
Apart from a few parenting wobbles, the inevitable toddler tantrums and life’s ups and downs, life in the main is okay and we manage to cope.
Everything Changes in the Teen Years
Then the teen/ young adult years sneak up on us and life throws us a curve ball.
Some struggle through teen attitude and rebellion, but for me, I struggle with the loss. Knowing that the middle-of the-night feeds will never happen again, excited squeals of delight and wonder at everyday things we take for granted are now just echoes in my heart; and tiny socks on the line, bedtime stories and splashing in puddles are becoming just memories. It almost feels like a form of grieving – grieving for person and for a time that no longer exists.
But as much as I desperately do not want to say goodbye to their childhood, I know that I have no choice. Life moves on and some of my tiny babies are now almost fully grown into the person they are destined to be, and they are now ready to stretch their wings and fly.
Why We Have to Let Go of Our Teenagers
Letting go is hard when all you want to do is hold on, but if we truly want our children to flourish then let go we must. Just like in the toddler years, there will be wobbles – on their part as they fall down, and on ours as we bravely let them get up and try again without interfering.
It can be so difficult to just stand by and watch them struggle – but we know that if we constantly leap in uninvited, they will not learn for themselves, and could feel judged and undermined, and our relationship with them could then suffer as a result.
But that does not mean that we should do nothing.
Instead, we should use the teen/ young adult years to nurture relationship.
Ways We Can Nurture the Relationship with Our Teenagers
We need to spend quality time with our young people so that we understand what makes them tick: so that we don’t just know, but that we actually understand, what their passions are, what their hopes and fears are, what their world looks like and why they make particular choices.
We need to move from judgement to empathy. We need to let them know that we will love them through everything – even through their mistakes and through the things we may not agree with. We need to welcome their friends, let them play their music loud, experiment with personal style and forge their own identity.
We need to invest time in listening to them and making them feel loved and valued. Our words, and our actions can help to give gentle reminders that we are there for them: making their favourite hot drink or snack when they are studying, lowering expectations for help with chores, a head massage or a hug when they are stressed or tired, or a thoughtful gift for no reason other than we thought they might like it.
It is in these later years that our roles change. Rather than carer we can become friend, confidant and supporter. By growing and nurturing this relationship, we will build mutual trust and respect, and it is this bond that they will be able to fall back on when times are challenging or tough for them in years to come. We will not need to watch them struggle and feel helpless that we can’t step in and help - instead we will be invited in.
By building a strong relationship with our teens now we will build a lasting relationship for the future. Yes, we will still grieve for the child that no longer is, but we can now celebrate all that the child has become, and together we can make many, many more special memories together as we will both be part of each other’s world.
Nettie has been home educating her 5 children since they were tiny, with her eldest now at university. She strives to give her children a childhood where good books, play, time together as a family and time in nature are all valued. She is passionate about home education and helping other home educating families. You can follow her on Instagram at instagram.com/ontheblossomtrail where you can also find links to her home education blog and home education printable resources store.
