Vivienne Liddell, Deputy Head of Pastoral Care at Highfield School, on why so many children keep quiet, and how parents can make speaking up feel safe.
Anti-Bullying Week runs from 16 to 20 November, and this year's theme is Break the Silence. It's a fitting one. When Highfield School asked its older pupils why children might not report bullying, three in four said they feared being called a snitch. Two thirds worried about how teachers would react, and more than half were afraid of getting into trouble themselves.
Vivienne Liddell spends her working days helping children through exactly this. Bullying, she says, comes in several forms: verbal, including ‘banter’ that goes too far; social, where children are left out, ignored or gossiped about; and online, through group chats, cruel messages and, increasingly, offensive AI-generated images.
Spotting the signs
Children don't always tell us when something is wrong, but their behaviour often does. None of these signs prove bullying is happening, but each is a good reason to start a gentle conversation.
- Changes in eating or sleeping. Skipped meals, eating more or less than usual, or struggling to get to sleep.
- Missing or damaged belongings. If things regularly go missing or come home broken, someone may be taking or damaging them on purpose.
- A shift in friendships. Listen out for names that stop being mentioned, a reluctance to talk about school, or not wanting to go at all.
- A word from the teacher. Teachers see your child every day, so if they notice a change in mood or behaviour, take it seriously.
- Extra vulnerability. Some children find friendships harder to navigate, online and off, and may need more support to feel confident asking for help.
If your child is being bullied
How you respond will depend on your child's age and needs, but Vivienne suggests a few principles.
- Listen first. It's natural to want to charge in and fight their corner, but gather the facts and stay calm. One of the main reasons children give for keeping quiet is a worry that adults will overreact.
- Don't say ‘just ignore them’. Bullying is about an imbalance of power, and this well-meant advice can leave a child feeling even more powerless, as if what's happening doesn't count.
- Ask what happens next. Don't promise to keep it secret, because something needs to be done. Instead, ask who they'd like to talk to about it.
- Pick your moment. Keep the conversation going, but not when they're tired and hungry straight after school. Wait until they're rested and relaxed.
- Leave their phone alone. Taking it away after online bullying can feel like a punishment for someone else's behaviour, and removes their sense of control.
- Talk to whoever is in charge. Once you have the facts, speak to the school, or to whoever runs the setting where it's happening, such as a sports club.
- Steer clear of the other parent. You only have one side of the story so far, and an impartial adult is better placed to help.
- Write it down. Note what you know to be true, and encourage your child to record incidents too. For younger children, a voice recording or drawing works just as well.
Rebuilding confidence
“Spend time with your child doing things they're good at, and help them find joy elsewhere too,” says Vivienne. “If they're being bullied at a club, don't simply leave. Work with the people in charge to make it safe for them to carry on. Praise their character rather than the result, especially when you see them trying hard. And look after the basics: sleep, food, exercise and screen time.”
What good schools do
The best schools, Vivienne believes, never pretend bullying doesn't happen. Instead they talk openly about how they prevent it, spot it early and deal with it consistently. That means a clear anti-bullying policy, ideally written by the pupils themselves, regular check-ins on how children are feeling, and simple ways to raise a worry, from a worry box for the youngest to an online platform for older pupils.
It also means helping children understand the difference between telling tales and keeping each other safe. “Snitching is trying to get someone in trouble for a small thing,” she says. “Reporting is looking out for each other.”
If your child is the one being unkind
No parent wants to hear it, but it happens. “Listen first,” says Vivienne. “Children are still learning, and this isn't fundamentally who they are. Don't react in the heat of the moment. Talk calmly with your child and work with the school, not against it.”
She also suggests thinking carefully about language. Calling a child a bully can become a label that sticks, so it's more helpful to talk about bullying behaviour: actions that are targeted and repeated, and that can change.
Find out more about Anti-Bullying Week and the Break the Silence campaign at the Anti-Bullying Alliance.
With thanks to Highfield School, an independent school for children aged two to 13, set in 175 acres of the South Downs National Park near Liphook, on the borders of Hampshire, Surrey and West Sussex. Its approach to children's wellbeing recently won the Mind Champion category at the School House Awards 2026, and pupils of all ages spend time in its forest school. Follow the school on Instagram at @highfieldschool_liphook.
Survey figures are from 91 Year 7 and 8 pupils (aged 11 to 13) at Highfield in 2025.
